Health and Transportation: Smart move.

Smart move.

By You won’t believe what happened next - 10/03/2018 01:30 - Denmark

Today, I learned that when airport security jokes that he's going to eat your box of donuts, you should not then joke back that he shouldn’t "because the powdered sugar is really cocaine". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 017

You deserved it 5 770

Health Transportation

Another great day to be alive

Slow moving accident

Damn kids!

By Carla - 12/11/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 729

You deserved it 415

By ccc - 15/05/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 026

You deserved it 4 407

Like a virgin

By chchboy - 22/05/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 025

You deserved it 7 077

By ilivehere - 17/07/2013 14:20 - United States - Moline

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 469

You deserved it 4 384

By Anonymous Cunt - 24/11/2012 19:38 - Netherlands - Blaricum

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 948

You deserved it 17 577

By ladytyy - 27/07/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 130

You deserved it 3 555

By CatLady - 06/01/2014 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 143

You deserved it 9 624

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 471

You deserved it 5 173

By Therunawaymoh - 11/10/2018 12:00

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 468

You deserved it 315

By JustLeaveThem - 25/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 657

You deserved it 268

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 20:55 - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 659

You deserved it 12 788

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 227

You deserved it 3 642

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 15:09 - United States - Beacon

Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey, how else is a guy supposed to get laid?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 914

You deserved it 7 013

By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a haunted hayride with my crush and friends. I got scared and screamed so he put his arm around me and hugged me. I took this as a good sign and leaned in. Turns out his friend was handing him something and he wasn't putting his arm around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 919

You deserved it 327

By Anonymous - 09/05/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 162

You deserved it 3 297

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 04:41 - United States

Today, I received my acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious universities in the US, as well as a nice scholarship. I was so proud of myself, I eagerly showed my dad, hoping he would shed a tear or two. His only words were, "Just get a job so you can get the hell out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 633

You deserved it 3 767

By ouch - 15/08/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 274

You deserved it 4 071

By Anonymous - 02/02/2010 15:40 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 098

You deserved it 3 086

By FriendsZone - 15/05/2012 20:44 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for a year finally said she'd go out with me. On the way over to pick her up, she called me and said she couldn't go because she was going out to dinner with her ex-boyfriend to talk things over. She asked if she could use the reservations I had made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 472

You deserved it 2 622

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 868

You deserved it 47 510

By TragicallyAnxious - 09/05/2019 10:00

Today, I had a draft paper due that I hadn’t written yet. I decided to skip the class to avoid embarrassment. Later, I went to change my major and was told to go to room 223 to talk to the English department head. I knocked on the door and the professor whose class I'd skipped answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 2 372

By Anonymous - 19/05/2019 14:15

Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 1 252

Sticky situation

By AloneAtPerkins - 26/11/2020 03:58 - United States - West Bend

Today, I drove all the way to another state and dealt with Chicago traffic on the way just to learn to drive stick. I couldn't learn, because the truck was suddenly unavailable, and when it was available again, whoever had it last lost the keys. Guess I gotta make another trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 661

You deserved it 87

By Bethany - 07/08/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, I have an orthodontist's appointment, and I told my best friend that I was going to get my teeth fixed. She replied, "Wow, thanks. Your smile's really awful to have to look at." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 195

You deserved it 4 368

By NotAnExcuse - 07/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 503

You deserved it 2 362

By AussieG75 - 21/07/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 297

You deserved it 2 524

By haappynewyear - 01/01/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 932

You deserved it 6 070

By The Seamstress - 20/05/2017 11:00 - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 5 404

By stupid - 24/12/2018 18:00

Today, after turning in a paper that I worked really hard on, I got it back with a grade of 0. In the feedback section, my professor wrote “In all my 37 years of teaching, this is by far the worst essay I have ever read.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 557

You deserved it 662

By cagel - 13/12/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 697

You deserved it 2 763

By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 17:49 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 056

You deserved it 3 877

By VacationTSA - 19/02/2009 16:29 - United States

Today, I woke up in a girls bed, that I have had a crush on for two years. She was sleeping on the floor with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 765

You deserved it 4 184

By Coaldust - 03/01/2017 02:02

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 496

You deserved it 1 947

By Gayeveryday - 15/04/2012 04:12 - Canada - Truro

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 396

You deserved it 5 908

By imabadperson - 06/03/2010 12:24 - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 479

You deserved it 44 082

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 10:17 - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 281

You deserved it 3 009

The truth will out

By ASad17Yearold - 07/05/2021 03:59

Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129

You deserved it 1 431

By oops - 19/11/2014 17:03 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 037

You deserved it 8 321

By sammers27 - 19/12/2013 13:48 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 097

You deserved it 4 817

By Teddy Bear - 12/01/2019 16:00

Today, while working in a kids' shop, I absent-mindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then hear a deep man's voice say "I'm not a little man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 104

You deserved it 545

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Top comments

Sinshine 27

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Saturday 10 March 2018 2:07

You're an idiot. What did you think would happen?!

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 10 March 2018 1:45

Looks like your joke bombed!

BasketBallForever293 17

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Saturday 10 March 2018 1:38

Can't a guy take a joke

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Saturday 10 March 2018 2:01

With what you hear about in the news today, you really think it's a good idea to crack jokes in an airport?

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 10 March 2018 2:04

“Crack” jokes?!?!? C’mon, man, that blows!

NicF13 2

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Sunday 11 March 2018 17:38

That's as funny as screaming FIRE in a movie theater. If you're not laughing it's because it's not funny

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 10 March 2018 1:45

Looks like your joke bombed!

acmariner99 25

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Saturday 10 March 2018 1:46

Well that goes on the list of things to never do. Thanks for sharing your learning experience with us

Sinshine 27

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Saturday 10 March 2018 2:07

You're an idiot. What did you think would happen?!

Glowworm56 25

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Saturday 10 March 2018 3:08

You deserve a smack.

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Sunday 11 March 2018 0:01

Or maybe a snack?

corky1992 33

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Saturday 10 March 2018 3:39

You idiot lol. You don’t joke about shit like that at a freaking airport.

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Sunday 11 March 2018 0:00

*You donut joke about it

Banana49 12

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Saturday 10 March 2018 3:45

why would you say that

DanielleinDC 32

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Saturday 10 March 2018 4:41

What the hell were you thinking? YDI.

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Saturday 10 March 2018 9:10

Shame about the donuts, but at least you weren't arrested.

Lalala579121 27

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Saturday 10 March 2018 11:08

Judging by OP's name, I'm not so sure about that...

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Saturday 10 March 2018 23:59

plot twist...

leeloo7 22

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Saturday 10 March 2018 13:18

At least you didn’t mentioned the brownies 😉 😉

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 59

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 62

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 125

Smart move.

Like a virgin

Sticky situation

The truth will out

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