Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country... - FML

By hrmpf - 19/01/2016 14:37 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 930

You deserved it 2 937

Hiding from the drama

Late term

Triage

By happysingleone - 20/12/2016 07:37

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 843

You deserved it 1 085

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 22:05 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 645

You deserved it 4 389

By Anonymous - 15/01/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 935

You deserved it 5 372

By vanessa_d15 - 09/11/2009 07:55 - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 722

You deserved it 6 639

By Anonymous - 06/01/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 049

You deserved it 2 145

By Anonymous - 03/07/2014 04:53 - United States - Muncie

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 602

You deserved it 13 177

By cookiecrust - 07/12/2009 14:44 - Singapore

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi. I've been using it for a week now. The chocolate drops I ate yesterday are also hers. Tammi is our pet Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 551

You deserved it 9 034

By virginmary - 02/03/2010 12:38 - Reserved

Spicy

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 312

You deserved it 3 831

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 02:13 - United States - Herndon

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 902

You deserved it 9 374

Extreme makeover

By skunk head - 22/07/2020 05:01

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 218

By internetadvice - 01/04/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 324

You deserved it 8 950

By badluckantonio - 25/08/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 963

You deserved it 3 011

By stillchubby - 17/02/2011 11:12 - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 922

You deserved it 5 909

By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - 05/01/2014 20:39 - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 014

You deserved it 4 946

By lprocter1982 - 08/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 321

You deserved it 2 950

By Anonymous - 06/09/2013 16:10 - United Kingdom - Godalming

Today, my car broke down. My dad insisted he could fix it, but screwed up in the process. After finally getting the car towed to a mechanic, I was told that I'd only needed a new water pump, but thanks to the damage my dad did, fixing it all will cost me a small fortune. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 793

You deserved it 3 757

By AUDONEE - 10/02/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 246

You deserved it 59 028

By I'm an asshole - 03/11/2016 21:46 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 215

You deserved it 1 585

By bucollegegirl - 08/10/2012 14:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 655

You deserved it 6 542

By Herdad - 30/07/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 964

You deserved it 3 677

By hey-o - 23/02/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 165

You deserved it 10 784

By thrill house - 25/01/2016 00:57 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 787

You deserved it 1 707

By Unhelpful - 07/02/2012 04:27 - United States

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 808

You deserved it 2 443

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 15:36 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 774

You deserved it 1 892

By nikki - 10/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 927

You deserved it 11 088

Sounds fishy

By Liisaz34 - 18/04/2021 00:30

Today, my boyfriend is spending a lot of time hyping up his female best friend who is participating in a modeling competition, trying to get her to win. When I asked this guy to help support my small business, he said he, “didn’t have time” to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 131

By fmyhabit - 15/04/2011 05:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 815

You deserved it 57 282

All in the Family

By weedvocate - 25/03/2020 14:02

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 126

By Canceled Wedding - 25/05/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 554

You deserved it 1 241

By Kolkata - 05/08/2012 23:25 - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 543

You deserved it 2 311

By elliekilroy - 11/12/2010 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 146

You deserved it 29 054

By clublulu - 10/04/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 760

You deserved it 76 982

By FML - 19/01/2016 06:41 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancée has been sleeping with the salesman I bought her engagement ring from. He knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 883

You deserved it 1 444

By Anonymous - 05/06/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 118

You deserved it 8 260

Family matters

By smbcolorado - 04/02/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 117

You deserved it 4 194

By sailorpete - 30/06/2019 02:25

Today, I got fired from the job I've only had for a week. Between paying for a physical, my own background check and uniforms, I paid more money to start working there than I'll get from my one and only paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 271

By both are dimwitted - 23/12/2014 18:32 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 399

You deserved it 4 636

By TheTruthofWomen - 04/11/2013 05:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 047

You deserved it 4 648

By fatty - 23/09/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 298

You deserved it 15 637

By Anonymous - 17/06/2016 23:29 - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 619

You deserved it 1 624

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Top comments

MegasaurusRex89 28

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:02

So I guess your language skills just aren't cutting it, huh?

andits 21

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:55

Next time take a pic of the hair you want.

Comments

andits 21

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:55

Next time take a pic of the hair you want.

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:28

Yep, a picture is worth a thousand words.

FalloutScrolls 25

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:47

A thousand german words!

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:56

Hell I do that even though my hairdresser speaks English. I am terrible with the fashion vocabulary.

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 20:20

You beat me to it. I do this anyway.

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:56

What a hairy situation. If anything, you could shave your head- try out the new look.

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Wednesday 20 January 2016 0:03

Refer to #4 for proper haircutting puns.

mattyiscool123 26

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Thursday 21 January 2016 3:59

Use your context clues man

lui_pg 21

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 18:58

That or you started a new trend

MegasaurusRex89 28

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:02

So I guess your language skills just aren't cutting it, huh?

syki 22

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 20:03

They're a hair out of practice.

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 23:55

This is probably the best joke I've heard all week.

Oyas12 14

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Wednesday 20 January 2016 22:08

what a sharp comment

fuckfuckityfuck 16

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:03

The same thing probably happened to the weeknd

cosmic_peanut 17

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:03

insert comment about "carrying" for OP and how you are sorry and hope he is ok and all that shit HERE

PhasesPhantom 22

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 20:32

Don't think anyone's ever said they'd be carrying about OP

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 22:48

The most useless comment I've read in a while. Good job, 6.

AC98 19

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:03

If they're anything like the ones here in the US they might not even be speaking the same language as you, but if they are, best to get some needed practice

PossiblyInDanger 24

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:08

It could also be possible you ended up with a not-so-great hairdresser. I was born in raised in the US and I have ended up with the exact opposite of what I asked on at least three occasions. good news is, is just hair, it grows back.

Arwen_Evenstar 37

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 21:10

Yes but if you've got very long hair and they cut a lot off, it can take years :(

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:13

Did you end up looking like Flo? (Progressive commercial)

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Tuesday 19 January 2016 19:17

Its hard to get what you want even in your own language, and as #8 said, you could have been with a not so great hairdresser. Bring a picture of what you want next time!!

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 10

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 167

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 93