Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home,... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home, I jumped on him and gave him a proper deep-tongue kiss. I noticed he tasted a bit weird, so I asked him when he last brushed his teeth. His answer: the day we had dinner with his mother. That was 2 weeks ago. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Assumptions

In my day…

By ouchbrow - 10/8/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By ihatepizza - 21/12/2016 22:49 - United States - Aurora

Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

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By Screwed in Seattle - 5/2/2011 16:13 - United States

Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML

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By jseid2 - 15/1/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

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By Username - 2/10/2019 14:00

Life is a roller coaster

Today, it's my birthday and my mom took me and some friends to an amusement park. Looking for a tampon, I found a phone in my mom's purse that I didn't recognize. Turns out my mom is cheating on my dad. Happy birthday to me, I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 07:56 - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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By NoRunning - 17/6/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 06:40 - United States - Cary

Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML

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By katiebabby - 17/6/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - 7/8/2013 12:24 - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By love4cheese1197 - 2/8/2019 20:00

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

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By Jeanna - 15/3/2016 23:14 - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

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By pinklatina - 9/12/2016 20:01 - Canada

Today, I fell and fractured my tailbone. I just healed from my last tailbone fracture 4 weeks ago. FML

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By Maestro - 1/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

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By caphis - 3/5/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By alittlepersonal - 5/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

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By Annie - 24/2/2011 06:39 - United States

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

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By PandaSuicide - 1/7/2019 06:29

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

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By pizzaface - 15/3/2010 11:50 - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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By DaoOfPow - 23/5/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

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By SomeDJ - 12/8/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

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By Isabell - 6/2/2010 05:31 - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By lageste - 20/11/2008 04:37 - France

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

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By "ZeroG57" - 4/5/2017 14:00

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

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By drugdealersgf - 2/12/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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By shit - 14/12/2010 09:26 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

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By bbedlock - 16/4/2011 12:35 - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I told a customer at the drive-thru I couldn't hear him as he had his music blaring too loud. The customer then drove to the window and verbally abused me for listening to my iPod at work. My "iPod" is the headset we use to take orders at the drive-thru. FML

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By Mark - 20/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 18:11 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore training, free of injuries, I pinched a nerve in my neck while putting on a swimsuit to lie in the sun doing nothing. FML

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By JillianJuneBug - 4/2/2017 00:00 - United States - Elmira

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

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By Cherub - 3/5/2009 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7711632 - Saturday 20 October 2018 23:57

You hadn’t kissed him in two weeks?

Your relationship smells worse than his breath, I surmise.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7711638 - Sunday 21 October 2018 0:12

Sounds like you should see his mother twice a day.

COMMENTS

By hiddenUSERNAME | 27

#7711598 - Saturday 20 October 2018 22:20

dumb him, just end it

Reply

Jonathan Riedel | 10

#7794583 - Thursday 18 April 2019 9:21

even though the majority of the People on this platform Seem to think so, Not every little imperfection is a reason to end a relationship.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7711599 - Saturday 20 October 2018 22:37

You better brush up....
And you need some mints...
And you need some mouthwash too...

You better brush up
You better floss again
To your teeth you must be true....

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7711602 - Saturday 20 October 2018 22:42

You'll never be randy again.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7711622 - Saturday 20 October 2018 23:25

See, there are indeed downsides to dating Austin Powers.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7711626 - Saturday 20 October 2018 23:28

Maybe get him some Gold Bond, I hear it’s minty fresh

By RichardPencil | 28

#7711632 - Saturday 20 October 2018 23:57

You hadn’t kissed him in two weeks?

Your relationship smells worse than his breath, I surmise.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7711638 - Sunday 21 October 2018 0:12

Sounds like you should see his mother twice a day.

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7711654 - Sunday 21 October 2018 2:13

Your boyfriend is a disgusting pig. Lemme gues… he doesn’t use deodorant, either?

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7711716 - Sunday 21 October 2018 6:37

He does -- he puts it in his hair.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7711666 - Sunday 21 October 2018 3:22

How did you not notice that before? That's just disgusting.

By WhatHappenedToIt | 22

#7711667 - Sunday 21 October 2018 3:22

barf