Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML
Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML
Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML
Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML
Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML
Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML
Today, I opened my lunch at work to discover that my sandwich was a soggy mess. The Tupperware I'd put it in was a piece of crap, and all the mayo had leaked out. I tried to salvage it but then spilled the whole thing in my lap. I ended up eating my lunch with a plastic fork, and even my fingers, like an angry animal. FML
Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML
Today, I bought a fancy salad for lunch and went to eat it in the park. A strong gust of wind flipped the lid off and launched half the salad into my lap. As I jumped up to shake it off, I slipped on a stray tomato slice, fell backward onto the grass, and watched as a seagull swooped in to eat my croutons. FML
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Top comments
youmakemyday_fml 0
ughh...why would you eat something that landed on the table anyway?? wouldn't you wipe it off with a napkin...
ozymandias_fml 0
You are a disgusting person. Even if it was mayo, that is disgusting. Who a) eats random condiments they find b) especially when splattered on a disgusting public table?
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Comments (231)
westsideknight 0
was it delicious? next time try taking some shit from a public toilet, it may taste much better
dmzelda203 0
Why would you want to lick mayo from a table, anyways???
buckeyefan16 14
damn thas nasty man
Funtertaining11 0
Oh my...that's gross. Why would you lick it off the table in the first place? That's a bit unsanitary. Plus, how could you not distiguish the difference between mayo and bird dung? That's like not telling the difference between chocolate/ice cream and poop (Manure). The difference: one is sweet and the other one stinks.
mandalauren 0
lmfao. you idiot. why the **** would you eat something left on the table anyways?
brkn_hearted 0
lol at #13, must've been or dropped on their head a few times as an infant, but much like many of those beofre me.... why the **** would you eat ANYTHING off the table even if it WAS mayo? ya ******* mc nasty!
greensharpie 0
ew, NEVER eat anything off a patio table! i used to work at a restaurant. whenever I wipe a patio table, no matter how clean it looks, my white cloth ALWAYS ends up black. those tables pick up every speck of dirt imaginable from the great outdoors.
lazyyygirl 0
fat ass
were_giraffe 2
O_o bleh. you deserved that one sorry
megan_is_cool 0
Sure. Mayo isn't all that bad on a sandwich, but I would NEVER eat a drop of any condiment off of a public table, that's just disgusting.