Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML
Today, I was driving 65 on a fairly deserted highway when some speeding inbred in a giant truck chose not to use the open passing lane but instead SWERVED INTO THE SHOULDER to go around me, and then cut me off. Any closer and I would've been a smear on the asphalt. FML
Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML
Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML
Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would've run that one over." Thanks. FML
Today, I was driving when a couple flipped the bird on me before cutting me off, so I flipped them off back. After they'd got away, another driver thought I'd actually been flipping him off and followed me into a parking lot. This guy was huge, and let’s just say he didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. FML
Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML
Today, I had a “Fuck you” shouting match with a guy who'd tailgated me in the slow lane through an active school zone. I flipped him off when he finally passed, which admittedly wasn’t my best move. He ended up beside me, windows down, where we verbally sparred like teenagers in a dick swinging contest. Regrettably. FML
Today, I was driving through a crossroad on the main road. A driver from the right got road rage, as I didn't let him go first. He drove past me and started brake-checking me. After that he followed me over whole city to scream and curse at me in front of my flat. I didn't break any the laws. FML
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Top comments
PuffDaddy395 3
Very cleverly worded, my friend. Well done.
kickuwithmyfist 1
Hit and run!
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Comments (117)
tehdarkness 21
Ugh, I'm getting real sick of hating the world with douchebags too.
mars13_fml 8
I ******* love this FML!!!! Aaaahhhhh!!! Omg i can't say how amazing what the OP said was!!!
Zangetsu67 5
Dude that's deep
unknown_user5566 27
The Toilet of Life is indeed a deep and wise symbol for the youth of our generation. It's nearly the new "Circle of Life". Quick, OP, patent that shit.
PYLrulz 17
If it was legal to just whip out an AK-47 on some of those assholes in those rice rockets, I would. I was going to Philly a few weeks back, and anybody from there knows that the Schuylkill Expressway is one of the shittest roads to drive on. As I was driving, these two idiots on some rice rockets came screaming by, scared the living shit outta me. Too bad I didn't drive further down the road to see if their guts got splattered.
fyl7899 12
I hate pedestrian bastards who think they own the road and the sidewalk
unknown_user5566 27
It wasn't a pedestrian. Side note- technically speaking, pedestrians DO own the sidewalk.
CheshireHalli 19
Kylee, I think he's saying like "They think they own both the sidewalk and the road." Might be wrong, but that's how I interpreted it.
unknown_user5566 27
104- Could be, but regardless, the FML wasn't about a pedestrian. That was my main point. :)
unknown_user5566 27
63- Totally. Driving like a normal person and posting a humorous story for the enjoyment of others is a very solid reason for thinking OP should be flushed down the figurative toilet of life.
Bob_Cat_fml 14
So you hate all bikers because the few you know drive madly ? Then I hate all car-drivers because one of them nearly rolled over me the other day. Cars shouldn't be allowed on the road, seriously.
KunoKanashimi 3
That metaphor deserves a round of applause... I'd start a slow clap, but no one would join in and then I'd be awkward turtle.
tildoorf84 7
next time smear the queer
mycatsaysmeow 7
Hit him lightly with your car, then drive away. If the insurance company finds you, deny that you hit him but explain that you saw him driving recklessly, and imply that he is a liar committing insurance fraud. Your insurance company will probably gladly deny the claim.