Intimacy: Today, I was getting frisky with my girlfriend. It was going... - FML

By Emerics - Norway - Stavanger

Today, I was getting frisky with my girlfriend. It was going well until we had to put our clothes back on quickly because someone was coming upstairs. It was my sister, who opened the door and said, “It smells like salami in here! Can I have some?” FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the landscaping job I started three weeks ago is actually for an illicit business run by a hippie who pissed away the entire payroll to fund his drug habit. He has no way of coughing up the $900 he owes me. I'm broke as hell, and my electricity is now going to get cut off. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight. I jokingly responded "Sweet! I am totally having a keg party then!" My dad responded "Keg parties are only for kids who have friends." He was serious. FML

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By RickTheBoy - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

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By bad friend - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:58 - Singapore - Singapore

Technologically challenged

Today, during my Zoom PTM my teacher screen-shared his Chrome tab, in which he had opened porn instead of the presentation he had to open, and now mom wants to change my school, where I've been studying in for past 10 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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By NoHamForMeThanks - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

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By singlemam - United States - Akron

Today, while at the park, my 3 year-old ran up to a lady, grabbed her chest and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you too?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

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By fuckthat! - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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By UUUGHHH - France - Villejuif

Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML

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By Hayleey_079 - United Kingdom

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous

That's kinda handy!

Today, my boyfriend and I found out that we were cheating on each other with the same person. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

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By computergeek - United States

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Abington

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

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By liberatedwoman - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Freeport

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

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By Tabby Rosas - 21/2/2021 21:30

Slid right out

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clearwater

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

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By Reebee

Today, I got off late from my bartending job, which is close to my house, but my boyfriend begged me to come to his place half an hour away. I decided the sex would be worth the drive. He was sound asleep. FML

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By the other man - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

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By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By clo_bo

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

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By Bento - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By Nick

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

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By Jaymail - 11/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Chicago

Tourism

Today, I was stuck in backed up traffic because of construction for so long that my phone actually listed where I was stuck in traffic as a place I visited. FML

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By bahhumbug - United States - Seattle

Today, I received three big boxes from my mother in law, containing expensive cookware. I was puzzled, because I know that she hates me. Turns out she mailed them to us by mistake. Not only did she not get us anything, but I now have to pay to ship the boxes to her neighbor. FML

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By Lady Cuntsnatch of Fallopia - United States - Yuba City

Today, I went into labor and got my husband drive me to the hospital. Instead of staying by my side, he rushed back home for a World of Warcraft raid. His excuse? His friends were counting on him and they'd be pissed if he let them down. FML

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By siikman313 - United States

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

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By batgirlrules881 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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Top comments

By Vintage_Cola | 29

#6701149 - Monday 10 October 2016 12:22

Your room probably shouldn't be smelling like that during sex...shower perhaps?

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6701158 - Monday 10 October 2016 13:06

This FML brought to you by Brazzers.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6701145 - Monday 10 October 2016 11:51

So, did she get some?

Reply

MrSlothieSloth | 6

#6701194 - Monday 10 October 2016 15:50

That's great

Reply

DravensTheName | 16

#6701231 - Monday 10 October 2016 19:20

Those were both bad comments and y'all should feel bad about it.

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#6701261 - Monday 10 October 2016 21:51

Don't tell me what to do, ya filthy fascist.

By Hefri123 | 19

#6701146 - Monday 10 October 2016 12:03

Kinky

By NoahK2003 | 16

#6701147 - Monday 10 October 2016 12:07

Give her some salami.

By Vintage_Cola | 29

#6701149 - Monday 10 October 2016 12:22

Your room probably shouldn't be smelling like that during sex...shower perhaps?

By RichardPencil | 30

#6701155 - Monday 10 October 2016 12:55

You must never give your sister "salami!"

By Lalala579121 | 27

#6701158 - Monday 10 October 2016 13:06

This FML brought to you by Brazzers.

Reply

blupenguin29 | 14

#6701272 - Monday 10 October 2016 23:15

With 69 likes!

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6701296 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 4:53

Nope, people ruined it.

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6701162 - Monday 10 October 2016 13:14

There's this wonderful thing called a lock. I hear they do great things.

Reply

BestOrginalName | 22

#6701184 - Monday 10 October 2016 14:41

Not all doors have locks.

A question to OP: why would you take part in ze coitus if you have family members around? That's just asking for trouble.

Reply

NavEntity | 12

#6701354 - Tuesday 11 October 2016 12:03

"Hey OP why's your door locked?"
*op frantically tries to put on clothes*
"What are you guys doing in there?"
*op still putting on clothes*
*op gets to door*
"Oh nothing we were not doing anything all absolutely nothing"

By Joshawott | 21

#6701163 - Monday 10 October 2016 13:17

"Sorry, but I just finished eating it"
Then you turn to the camera, give us a cheeky wink and the trademark cocky Dreamworks grin.

By Allornone | 35

#6701164 - Monday 10 October 2016 13:27

<insert obvious salami pun here>

By TheGamerXYZ | 19

#6701165 - Monday 10 October 2016 13:29

I guess you could say.... SHE WANTED THE MEAT.