Intimacy: Today, I was getting frisky with my girlfriend. It was going... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

31/05/2014 07:00

Spicy

Today, I was getting frisky with my girlfriend. It was going well until we had to put our clothes back on quickly because someone was coming upstairs. It was my sister, who opened the door and said, “It smells like salami in here! Can I have some?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 92

Leave us alone

Dysfunctional

The smell detective is on the case

02/06/2016 08:04

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 395

You deserved it 677

14/03/2010 18:29

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 726

You deserved it 24 971

08/12/2011 02:31

Spicy

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 882

You deserved it 5 115

01/04/2014 21:41

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 024

You deserved it 5 907

16/08/2009 04:33

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 403

You deserved it 3 144

03/01/2009 03:26

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 434

You deserved it 2 495

22/02/2009 20:41

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 830

You deserved it 4 853

29/11/2018 22:00

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 921

You deserved it 617

27/05/2013 16:17

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 106

You deserved it 3 793

04/03/2012 22:20

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 4 342

Scoville scale

By firefire - 30/07/2020 08:01

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 277

02/10/2012 00:11

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 451

You deserved it 2 621

10/12/2009 05:14

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 611

You deserved it 2 884

28/12/2015 23:26

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 355

You deserved it 1 332

10/09/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 053

You deserved it 416

Bit on the side

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 23:10

Today, I have been talking to someone for the past 9 months. He always said he could never give me a relationship. But he loves me. He finally told me it’s because he’s been with someone for 3 years and I’m basically the side chick he fell in love with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 570

You deserved it 328

What did I do?

By Anonymous - 22/06/2020 08:09

Today, 48 hours after my boyfriend introduced me to his friend group so I could make new friends and I'd joined their group chat, two long-term couples have broken up and left without any explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 213

You deserved it 128

24/01/2016 00:08

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 043

You deserved it 2 023

24/06/2012 13:57

Today, I received an acceptance letter to Juilliard. After showing it to my mom, she tells me I can't attend because Robin Williams graduated from Juilliard, and he now has too much facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 960

You deserved it 2 238

08/06/2016 02:09

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 117

You deserved it 2 295

14/09/2010 18:32

Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 549

You deserved it 8 358

Time to run

By Anonymous - 10/10/2021 08:01

Today, while out shopping, my fiancé started talking to a cashier in a flirty manner as if I wasn't there, and casually referred to me as his housemate. I felt my heart break, but I'm too weak to bring it up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 547

13/12/2016 03:34

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 465

You deserved it 4 316

07/06/2012 17:42

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 565

You deserved it 39 041

08/10/2010 02:58

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 357

You deserved it 5 336

02/04/2009 13:52

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 946

You deserved it 140 095

27/08/2012 14:50

Today, I finished my shopping at Costco, and realized I had forgotten where I had parked. After scouring the parking lot for 20 minutes, I called the police and filed a report for a stolen vehicle. I then remembered I had bought a new car yesterday and parked it right next to the entrance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 999

You deserved it 37 788

30/10/2010 04:52

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 425

You deserved it 10 344

04/04/2018 16:30

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me off hormones, like a heroin addict." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 002

You deserved it 1 459

Bum note

By Music Lover - 07/11/2020 05:01

Today, after entering a conservatory of music, I've worked really hard on my academic subjects to past through the exam, so my major is pretty weak. After practising 6 hours a day for three weeks, my teacher asked me to change my major and said I'm the worst student she's ever seen. And there‘s nowhere I can go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 136

29/10/2009 05:17

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 180

You deserved it 7 024

07/05/2009 00:20

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 758

You deserved it 70 799

07/03/2010 00:32

Spicy

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 769

You deserved it 4 567

17/06/2011 11:32

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 181

You deserved it 12 393

09/03/2013 09:05

Today, my boss told me that, while he respects the fact that I have my own style, I have to stop wearing "that hideous wig" because apparently, it "makes the clientele uncomfortable". I don't have a wig. It's my natural hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 500

You deserved it 4 023

15/06/2019 06:30

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 299

03/08/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 744

You deserved it 795

27/05/2012 21:53

Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 103

You deserved it 6 135

Misunderstood

By fuck - 18/03/2015 17:40

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 501

You deserved it 4 043

23/11/2016 19:41

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 443

You deserved it 1 051

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Top comments

Vintage_Cola 29

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Monday 10 October 2016 12:22

Your room probably shouldn't be smelling like that during sex...shower perhaps?

Lalala579121 27

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Monday 10 October 2016 13:06

This FML brought to you by Brazzers.

Comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Monday 10 October 2016 11:51

So, did she get some?

MrSlothieSloth 6

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Monday 10 October 2016 15:50

That's great

DravensTheName 16

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Monday 10 October 2016 19:20

Those were both bad comments and y'all should feel bad about it.

Dave_Davington 33

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Monday 10 October 2016 21:51

Don't tell me what to do, ya filthy fascist.

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Monday 10 October 2016 12:03

Kinky

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Monday 10 October 2016 12:07

Give her some salami.

Vintage_Cola 29

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Monday 10 October 2016 12:22

Your room probably shouldn't be smelling like that during sex...shower perhaps?

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 10 October 2016 12:55

You must never give your sister "salami!"

Lalala579121 27

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Monday 10 October 2016 13:06

This FML brought to you by Brazzers.

blupenguin29 14

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Monday 10 October 2016 23:15

With 69 likes!

Lalala579121 27

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Tuesday 11 October 2016 4:53

Nope, people ruined it.

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Monday 10 October 2016 13:14

There's this wonderful thing called a lock. I hear they do great things.

BestOrginalName 22

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Monday 10 October 2016 14:41

Not all doors have locks. A question to OP: why would you take part in ze coitus if you have family members around? That's just asking for trouble.

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Tuesday 11 October 2016 12:03

"Hey OP why's your door locked?" *op frantically tries to put on clothes* "What are you guys doing in there?" *op still putting on clothes* *op gets to door* "Oh nothing we were not doing anything all absolutely nothing"

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Monday 10 October 2016 13:17

"Sorry, but I just finished eating it" Then you turn to the camera, give us a cheeky wink and the trademark cocky Dreamworks grin.

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Monday 10 October 2016 13:27

<insert obvious salami pun here>

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Monday 10 October 2016 13:29

I guess you could say.... SHE WANTED THE MEAT.