Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout...

By immovingout - 4/5/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

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No Gods, No Masters

By Allergic to Assholes - 30/1/2016 09:33 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By pissed - 7/7/2016 18:39

Today, I got offered an interview for a job after months of unemployment. It's a 3-month contract 3 hours away from where we live. My boyfriend's reaction was to tell me to move out and take our hamster with me. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - 2/6/2013 10:53 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By Poopsie - 13/8/2018 06:00

Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - 26/9/2015 03:40 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By Out Ran - 16/2/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, while running, I sped up to show off for a cute female runner I'd seen before up ahead. I passed her and not more than a minute later she sprints past me. I couldn't catch up. She not only out ran me, but waited to tell me it was a 'nice try'. FML

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By caphis - 3/5/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By Firewielder - 11/2/2015 02:26 - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 06:17 - United States - Oakland

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

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By maggie74 - 27/6/2012 04:58 - United States - Enfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

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By DF - 26/6/2014 14:58 - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By Noname - 8/3/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 18:50

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By Paul - 8/8/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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By Norah - 23/7/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, my mom scolded me for not taking driving lessons already. This comes a few days after she told me that, "Allowing teenagers to drive is just another way of thinning out the gene pool". FML

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By pancakessdsjsn - 27/9/2013 06:04 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

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By AML - 31/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

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By yvon la moto - 6/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

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By ENDmySUFFERING - 21/7/2016 15:25 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By hatty - 23/9/2011 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By airplanes-suck - 21/8/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year old daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "the talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 21:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By numbtongue - 13/3/2015 04:19 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

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By flustered - 6/5/2012 14:57 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

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By dearprudence89 - 10/11/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 21:54 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my daughter's 14-year-old boyfriend confessed, in front of her, that he only went out with her so he might have a chance to date me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. FML

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By ZZ - 30/6/2009 03:01 - Canada

Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 14:00

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

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By 4gottenmemories - 8/4/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 20:56 - United States - Collingswood

Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

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By hobo - 17/5/2015 17:47 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

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By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - 27/6/2015 01:21 - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

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By snowbunny - 12/2/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

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By karmafails - 1/5/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2013 15:03 - United States - Houston

Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5478746 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

If you see her trying to duct tape a banana to the cutout's crotch, I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep for a while.

By Catkam623 | 27

#5478738 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:10

Isn't that grounds to be locked away?

COMMENTS

By Catkam623 | 27

#5478738 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:10

Isn't that grounds to be locked away?

Charmillionaire | 10

#5478752 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:12

The fact that she likes him is enough.

bbozic2 | 6

#5478795 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:28

She's got that Bieber fever!

By Curtar2 | 18

#5478741 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

kill her. kill her with fire.

Blackcatluck | 19

#5478760 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:15

Why don't you do it bulbacharmander!

Sekkaichi | 12

#5478799 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:30

@11, Pokemons don't talk silly. Remember, you're a charmander.

gracehi | 31

#5478860 - Sunday 5 May 2013 4:11

11, I think you mean "squirbulbamander."

Zimmington | 21

#5478878 - Sunday 5 May 2013 4:26

22- Meoth, Slowking, Psyduck, & MewTwo(technically)

Sekkaichi | 12

#5478953 - Sunday 5 May 2013 5:40

I remember that Meowth, Slowking, and Mewtwo talking in the anime, but not Psyduck. Well, I don't watch the anime anymore after Hoenn.

chosha_fml | 25

#5479625 - Sunday 5 May 2013 18:10

Might be easier to kill the cutout with fire.

By tootsie68 | 22

#5478742 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

Time to move out - which judging by your username, you are already on your way there!

slacker_69 | 6

#5478962 - Sunday 5 May 2013 5:52

I wonder if that is a coincidence or she planned that?

NoDontKillMe | 19

#5479618 - Sunday 5 May 2013 18:06

^ You would know if you posted FMLs.

By DocBastard | 38

#5478746 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

If you see her trying to duct tape a banana to the cutout's crotch, I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep for a while.

Welshite | 39

#5478765 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:17

That mental image is almost too horrific to comprehend.

You see these tears, Doc? Yeah, you caused them.

skyeyez9 | 24

#5478798 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:29

Doc, lets be realistic here. This is Justin Bieber, so she needs to tape a baby gherkin pickle to his crotch. That is more realistic than a banana.

lilhellian | 26

#5478812 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:37

No, she needs to cut out a hole and put on a gherkin.

PenguinBitch | 43

#5478815 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:39

That reminds me of an Internet photo of a girl with her arse against a Beiber cutout. Smh

mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6301852 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 10:32

Haha

By KareBear7364 | 5

#5478750 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:12

You should take it and burn it! In a safe place of course ;) And just tell her that he had a high fever, and didn't make it...

skyeyez9 | 24

#5478879 - Sunday 5 May 2013 4:27

And explain to her that he died from a rare condition called Spontaneous Bieber Combustion.

By doumtabarnack | 12

#5478753 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:12

You better put a little something in her glass before bed just to make sure she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night to stare at you

By Blackcatluck | 19

#5478756 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:13

I wouldn't suggest that, i think she will take the blow instead of the cutout....wait a minute that would make an awesome FML!

By CaptMurdock | 25

#5478767 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:17

Maybe you could "accidentally" set it on fire.

gracehi | 31

#5478864 - Sunday 5 May 2013 4:15

Oh no! I accidentally poured gasoline all over your Justin Beiber cut out, then pointed this flame thrower at it and pulled the trigger. My bad.

7yzzFML | 17

#5479208 - Sunday 5 May 2013 12:41

Yep. Burn it.

By groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5478775 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:19

Baby Baby Baby Oh!!!! lol

wjh100 | 13

#5478859 - Sunday 5 May 2013 4:09

thank you that song is now running through my head just what I wanted on my anniversary

hryffff | 11

#5478891 - Sunday 5 May 2013 4:38

That sounds very wrong

EVnIAS | 13

#5478925 - Sunday 5 May 2013 5:09

I can safely read this comment and not be afraid to get the song stuck in my head cause to this day I have never heard any of his song! I feel proud!

CaptMurdock | 25

#5479820 - Sunday 5 May 2013 21:51

You are a truly lucky man #42

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5478776 - Sunday 5 May 2013 3:19

Run. Now.