Miscellaneous: Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 54

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 019

04/05/2013 17:46

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 064

You deserved it 4 727

Miscellaneous

Triage

Broken heart

Hang in there

01/04/2016 01:42

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 287

You deserved it 2 663

07/02/2011 17:41

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 430

You deserved it 44 006

29/01/2009 15:19

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 678

You deserved it 40 139

18/06/2019 03:10

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 673

You deserved it 249

Jealousy

By princess_stabitty - 01/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 162

It's all in the timing

By laststand11 - 26/11/2020 06:29

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 982

You deserved it 2 479

07/06/2012 04:02

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 679

You deserved it 5 036

14/05/2013 23:52

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 120

You deserved it 6 997

17/05/2016 13:10

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 055

You deserved it 872

You BARBARIAN!

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 10:57

Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 282

17/11/2011 20:22

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 043

You deserved it 12 593

13/09/2012 22:29

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 212

You deserved it 3 129

01/11/2012 04:24

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 509

You deserved it 11 890

29/04/2016 23:22

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 1 706

10/05/2015 01:43

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 776

You deserved it 2 367

24/04/2011 01:02

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 52 843

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 24/06/2020 17:02

Today, I took my new girl out on a date after work. Ten minutes later, my ex-wife, her new boyfriend and my daughter showed up at the same restaurant and decided a double date would be fun. My ex lives an hour away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 131

12/03/2010 16:55

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 963

You deserved it 31 308

06/08/2010 18:09

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 383

You deserved it 4 034

22/04/2016 20:14

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 595

You deserved it 1 894

Kinky

By marysparklez - 05/03/2021 22:59

Today, my boyfriend is once again mad at me because I refused to have shower sex with him. I’m too embarrassed to explain to him that ever since I could remember, if I don’t take my showers sitting down, I vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 340

03/02/2012 01:02

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 6 092

27/01/2016 15:35

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 149

You deserved it 5 088

13/06/2009 05:16

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 882

You deserved it 5 694

03/06/2013 20:55

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 288

You deserved it 5 575

30/03/2013 22:22

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 743

You deserved it 5 767

Can't feel my tongue

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 17:01

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 989

03/12/2013 00:56

Today, I opened my heart to my father-in-law, telling him how he was a very good example for us and how his name would be great for our first born son, he interrupted, saying, "Cut the cheesy crap, now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 698

You deserved it 6 183

Please?

By mandinga - 06/09/2009 21:35

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 244

You deserved it 6 717

23/11/2014 12:52

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 248

You deserved it 2 970

24/10/2014 10:54

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 896

You deserved it 14 460

31/03/2014 02:44

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 278

You deserved it 8 063

04/12/2018 14:00

Today I was really hitting it off with my blind date and was eager to arrange a second date. I gave him my number and he decided to call my phone so I could save his number. My phone didn’t ring. He got upset because he thought I gave him a fake number and stormed off. The battery was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 999

You deserved it 406

14/06/2009 03:06

Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 640

You deserved it 7 324

22/07/2011 13:38

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 768

You deserved it 10 676

02/08/2016 11:18

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 667

You deserved it 1 218

19/02/2012 09:15

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 820

You deserved it 8 521

28/08/2009 07:51

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 621

You deserved it 9 905

01/11/2010 07:34

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 437

You deserved it 56 756

05/09/2013 15:49

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 535

You deserved it 12 204

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Top comments

DocBastard 38

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

If you see her trying to duct tape a banana to the cutout's crotch, I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep for a while.

Catkam623 27

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:10

Isn't that grounds to be locked away?

Comments

Catkam623 27

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:10

Isn't that grounds to be locked away?

Charmillionaire 10

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:12

The fact that she likes him is enough.

bbozic2 6

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:28

She's got that Bieber fever!

Curtar2 18

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

kill her. kill her with fire.

Blackcatluck 19

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:15

Why don't you do it bulbacharmander!

Sekkaichi 12

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:30

@11, Pokemons don't talk silly. Remember, you're a charmander.

gracehi 31

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Sunday 5 May 2013 4:11

11, I think you mean "squirbulbamander."

Zimmington 21

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Sunday 5 May 2013 4:26

22- Meoth, Slowking, Psyduck, & MewTwo(technically)

Sekkaichi 12

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Sunday 5 May 2013 5:40

I remember that Meowth, Slowking, and Mewtwo talking in the anime, but not Psyduck. Well, I don't watch the anime anymore after Hoenn.

chosha_fml 25

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Sunday 5 May 2013 18:10

Might be easier to kill the cutout with fire.

tootsie68 22

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

Time to move out - which judging by your username, you are already on your way there!

slacker_69 6

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Sunday 5 May 2013 5:52

I wonder if that is a coincidence or she planned that?

NoDontKillMe 19

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Sunday 5 May 2013 18:06

^ You would know if you posted FMLs.

DocBastard 38

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:11

If you see her trying to duct tape a banana to the cutout's crotch, I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep for a while.

Welshite 39

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:17

That mental image is almost too horrific to comprehend. You see these tears, Doc? Yeah, you caused them.

skyeyez9 24

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:29

Doc, lets be realistic here. This is Justin Bieber, so she needs to tape a baby gherkin pickle to his crotch. That is more realistic than a banana.

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:37

No, she needs to cut out a hole and put on a gherkin.

PenguinBitch 43

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:39

That reminds me of an Internet photo of a girl with her arse against a Beiber cutout. Smh

mikuxxhatsune 31

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Tuesday 26 May 2015 10:32

Haha

KareBear7364 5

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:12

You should take it and burn it! In a safe place of course ;) And just tell her that he had a high fever, and didn't make it...

skyeyez9 24

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Sunday 5 May 2013 4:27

And explain to her that he died from a rare condition called Spontaneous Bieber Combustion.

doumtabarnack 12

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:12

You better put a little something in her glass before bed just to make sure she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night to stare at you

Blackcatluck 19

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:13

I wouldn't suggest that, i think she will take the blow instead of the cutout....wait a minute that would make an awesome FML!

CaptMurdock 25

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:17

Maybe you could "accidentally" set it on fire.

gracehi 31

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Sunday 5 May 2013 4:15

Oh no! I accidentally poured gasoline all over your Justin Beiber cut out, then pointed this flame thrower at it and pulled the trigger. My bad.

7yzzFML 17

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Sunday 5 May 2013 12:41

Yep. Burn it.

groovycrazyjoe 18

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:19

Baby Baby Baby Oh!!!! lol

wjh100 13

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Sunday 5 May 2013 4:09

thank you that song is now running through my head just what I wanted on my anniversary

hryffff 11

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Sunday 5 May 2013 4:38

That sounds very wrong

EVnIAS 13

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Sunday 5 May 2013 5:09

I can safely read this comment and not be afraid to get the song stuck in my head cause to this day I have never heard any of his song! I feel proud!

CaptMurdock 25

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Sunday 5 May 2013 21:51

You are a truly lucky man #42

RoseBlack123 37

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Sunday 5 May 2013 3:19

Run. Now.