Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML
Today, I picked my son up from school, and asked how his day went. He told me how his friend explained to him that his mommy snorts sugar with his uncle, and if he could try what his friend's mom calls "Booger sugar" when we got home. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's school. He was in the nurse office puking. I picked him up and the dumbass said he'd eaten one of those stupid "WORLD'S HOTTEST SNACK" things and it made him sick. Idiot. No sympathy whatsoever from me. FML
Today, I realized it was mistake telling my son to toughen up and fight his own battles when he told me he was getting bullied. Apparently, his idea of fighting his own battles involves ipecac. I don't know where he got it, but when I asked, he just gave the Kubrick stare and denied knowing what I was talking about. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML
Today, I had to stop my son from climbing out the window, slithering on the stairs like a snake, and attempting to call 911 to help bring him down from his “bad trip”. What caused all this? His older brother convinced him the dried mushrooms in the kitchen were ‘shrooms and the idiot beloved him. FML
Today, I gave my kid some Pop Rocks. He shoveled a handful in his mouth, then screamed when they started popping and spat them all over the carpet. FML
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Top comments
iAmScrubs 19
He thought he was Charlie Sheen. Don't blame him.
Igor_g5 0
You didn't teach him how to tell real coke from BS. That's where you went wrong.
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Comments (271)
1O 0
HE FCUCKING LOVES COCAINE!!1!11!!
hiyourcute 0
Clearly so does this guy...
WavinFlag 3
lol y so excited?
emodude44 0
No... never again...
ashseal 11
haha
jakel121 0
somebody can't spell nor hold the shift key properly.
zdbh 0
so do you!!!!! lol
zdbh 0
so do you!!!!! lol
lajaynay 15
winning!
Krilleee 5
duh?!
lajaynay 15
Charlie sheen reference.
JennaMarie420 2
kids these days, smoke weed. it never hurt anyone.
explodingmuffint 0
obviously you've never seen some of the weed burnt kids around here :/
JennaMarie420 2
that's their own fault then. smoke it, just don't let it take over your life
CryMoreFMLs 15
Why not just stay away from it? Herp derp.
JennaMarie420 2
I never said you had to smoke it. but it's a hell of a lot safer than cocaine or any other drug that's man made
ijrnelson 0
why take a safer drug when you could take no drug. that's my philosophy.
JennaMarie420 2
do what you want. I'm not telling you to smoke weed. just don't knock it til you try it.
ysomad 0
You're the kind of person I'd send to a work/death camp, asshat!
vikingbisongirl 0
kids these days use unnecessary commas...
livin_plur 0
what's worse smoking weed or sending him to a death camp because he does, how logical but I just love my ganja :) and yes I'm aware it's not healthy but it could be worse honesty
ast0n16 4
i always love people tht say they wnt ever try it and they sit around judging people until they get coersed into doing it and if they never r coersered they miss out on a great experience also kush is kinda overrated
JennaMarie420 2
send me to a death camp for smoking marijuana. wow. then you can send everyone who drinks alcohol too. it kills more people than weed does :) stupid ass
brianjman14 23
That was a little extreme. Don't be a dick, dude.
brianjman14 23
I meant that for #132, by the way. Sorry, I'm on an iPhone and I can't edit.
JennaMarie420 2
sorry Vikingbisongirl but this isn't English class I can use, commas, however, I, want :)
ysomad 0
Hi. I'm extremely sorry for that inappropropriate message "I" sent you. I'm so so sorry but my brother got on to my account to troll. I am so sorry. I did not mean to cause such disrespect or any threatening messages. please forgive me for this mistake on my brother's half. I blame myself for not protecting my account. I am going to teach him a lesson this is wrong. I'm am sorry to anyone who was offended by that statement. I am so sorry. :(
t765234 10
To anyone who drinks alcohol irresponsibly, yes, I would send them to death camps if I could, it would increase the average IQ by at least 20 points.
itsgen 16
I applaud you
jojomae2015 0
what the hell does smoking weed have to do with anything?!
MissJessica92 0
it's not even that bad for you, safer than alcohol and cigs as long as you only smoke it in moderation.
JennaMarie420 2
I agree with miss Jessica
RavenLovesGir 0
Um yes you were telling us to smoke weed. Re-read your comment, dear...
JennaMarie420 2
I was saying if you're looking to catch a buzz then smoke weed instead of doing blow. If you like being sober so be it. Do whatever the **** you want.
notjusanuthapret 0
not enough censorship in your kids life.....
hiyourcute 0
Or too much, when you consider that the kid thought he could make cocaine out of flour, aspirin and baking soda...
VeganVampyre 27
But wouldn't it be a good thing that he's not familiar enough with drugs to know cocaine when he sees it (or doesn't)? If he knew the difference I'd be wondering when and where he tried it before...
TheBinksOhhhh13 0
Haha , wow , great parenting skills !
holagranola 15
when you started calling your kid a twerp !
klonopin_ftw 0
vicky really ****** with timmy's mind when she baby sat him, man.
skyeyez9 25
the name is well deserved considerig he tried to snort that mess.
triggerit 5
you have to explain him from the very beginning coke he must buy and give him direction money and price list
supermindy 1
you calling him names might not really be the best way to encourage good behaviour.
dkcutie92 0
that's bullshit.
sweet_candy_ 17
Did your son buy an air guitar for 20?
sematariux 7
lmao love you for that 26
nancyfantastic 3
Best reference of another FML post ever.
j_cat187 20
ur a bad parent. buy ur son cocane
alex1432 9
cocaine*