Today, I had to stop my son from climbing out the window, slithering on the stairs like a snake, and attempting to call 911 to help bring him down from his “bad trip”. What caused all this? His older brother convinced him the dried mushrooms in the kitchen were ‘shrooms and the idiot beloved him. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I got a call from my son’s teacher, saying that he raised his hand during a test to say he "couldn't focus, because the ‘metroids’ are harassing me.” Apparently, he forgot about the test and took a healthy dose of shrooms right before. FML
Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML
Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Today, my son broke his arm roughhousing with his brother on a bunk bed. While at the ER, he thought it would be funny to tell a different story to each doctor and nurse, forcing me to speak over him. They found this behavior "suspicious" and reported us to child services. FML
Today, my idiot boyfriend, who thinks he's an outdoorsman, made sauce from mushrooms he'd foraged. I refused to eat it. He got upset and had two helpings. He's now in bed, whining about how bad he feels. Stupid dumbass. FML
Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML
Today, I got a call from my brother, saying he was losing his mind at work and did not feel well. I went to pick him up. Turns out he decided to try weed for the first time at work and was high AF. Now I'm the little brother babysitting a 35 year-old man child. FML
Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML
Today, I put my son on a ladder and told him to help me get down the Christmas lights to force him to face his terrible fear of heights. He cried for a good ten minutes, then started to calm himself down, just in time for my wife to run out screaming, "GET HIM OFF THAT LADDER!" Now he's even more scared. FML
Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML
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Top comments
Linda Graber 12
🤣🤣🤣 Guess no need to keep saving gift his college fund.
vchan 20
Placebo effect. 🤣
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Comments (2)
Linda Graber 12
🤣🤣🤣 Guess no need to keep saving gift his college fund.
vchan 20
Placebo effect. 🤣
tiptoppc 21
Nope, just shear idiocy!