Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

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Animals

Summertime sadness

How's your hovel?

Official meeting

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By getmoneyab - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

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By Tyguy3000 - United States

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

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By redlips - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

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By How can you f*** up that bad!? - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By colebear - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

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By GROSS - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By Useless Key

Today, my sister couldn't find the spare key I gave her for my apartment, so I had to pay a $50 fee to the leasing office. Not 30 minutes after paying, she found the key. In her purse. On her keychain. FML

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By failing - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, after searching frantically for my economics notes for a week, I asked my friend to send me pictures of her's. I recognised my handwriting on the pictures she sent me and she admitted she "borrowed" them. The exam is in three days and she refuses to meet me and give my notes back. FML

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By Kathryn - United States

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By zero_minded12 - United States

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

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By Cian_1 - United Kingdom - Herne Bay

Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML

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By Regina - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

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By Cary - United States

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

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By ksa - Poland - Katowice

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

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By ........................... - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By HughGorgy - Canada

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

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By coeurdlucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By Steve - United States - Lake Charles

Self-service

Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML

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By Blondegirl - United States

Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received an envelope from verizon. I assumed it was my bill. I opened it and saw a visa credit card offer so I quickly snapped it in half to prevent identity theft. Only after playing with the pieces for 10 minutes did I realize that it was my $100 rebate from my new phone. FML

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By WhatTheBleep - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

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By Adam

Today, I had a job interview at a Holiday Inn. I got there ten minutes early and sat until 1:00 p.m., then told the person at the front desk I was there for my interview. She called the manager, who said that no interviews were scheduled today. I'd gone to the wrong Holiday Inn. FML

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By gloomy

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

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By Monty - United States

Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was just wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and um...stuff. FML

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By Dummy

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

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By whatnow - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

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By meish - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents insisted that despite the fact I've just turned sixteen, I have to save them money by ordering from the children's menu, because I "still look like a twelve year old". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my sister recorded the sound of me having intense diarrhea, retching at the stench, and eventually breaking down in tears. I only found out when I saw she'd posted it online, with the caption "lol #gaytard #sorrynotsorry". I've never been called a pussy by so many people before. FML

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Top comments

By normandin131 | 0

#150471 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:17

You would think someone would know it's poop before throwing it.

By Jimboom | 11

#150531 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 13:07

Nice. Just be grateful they aren't calling you poopy faced dog breath now.

See, it could have been a lot worse.

COMMENTS

By EmbalmingTheatre | 0

#150465 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

CantStopTheMetal | 0

#1014491 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:40

yeah YDI for playing soccer hahahah

Shell02 | 0

#1445701 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:40

hahahah just shutup number one..

aerosenna | 0

#1710097 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 11:59

1 don't blame people when u don't have a childhood... lighten up! n 43... u deserve to get kicked in the nuts for that

By normandin131 | 0

#150471 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:17

You would think someone would know it's poop before throwing it.

By Mitleser | 0

#150472 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:17

#1: Exactly! That's what happens when you surround yourself with imbeciles.

By asttro_boy | 0

#150483 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:28

GROSSE!

By fatality2009 | 0

#150498 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:35

Hhhmmm YUMMY

who wouldnt like one of those xD?

By losergirl | 0

#150501 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:41

Wowww, #1

To the OP: That's NASTY!

By saramarie | 0

#150506 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:46

FYL for the bad grammar.

By aFMLaddict | 0

#150519 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 12:55

did you ate it?

CantStopTheMetal | 0

#1014492 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 3:42

i accidentally the verb tense.

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#150530 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 13:05

#8 ur a dumbass
it "eat" not "ate"
and #2 u are completely right
.....maybe the person purposely threw it because he Knew it was shit!!!!!!!!!!

By Jimboom | 11

#150531 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 13:07

Nice. Just be grateful they aren't calling you poopy faced dog breath now.

See, it could have been a lot worse.