Miscellaneous: Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well...

By mytoehurts - Canada - Ayr

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Walk on the wild side

Great boyfriend

By Jessica - United States

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

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By bee - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By you fucking idiot - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

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By couchsurfer - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 08:01

Impressive

Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML

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By LonelyStranger - United States - Lake Stevens

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

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By Rjlup - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By vee2013 - Canada - London

Today, I finally decided to do something productive and clean my room. When I went to pick up the first thing off my floor I hit my head on my desk and gave myself a concussion. FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By coius - 29/11/2020 01:03 - United States - Lincoln

Home Improvement

Today, our washing machine broke and dumped around 100 gallons onto the floor. My dad had installed crappy water valves and we couldn’t turn off the water. I called my dad and he accused me of lying. His “repairs” have now caused 5 major disasters in our home due to his shoddy and cheap work. FML

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By josh - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

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When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By Zero_TAlent_ - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

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By ICanExplain - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

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By ashbeat - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

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By bad surprise - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By musicalxtheories - 9/5/2020 08:00

Tiler, the creator

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I successfully stopped my hair straightener from falling into a bathtub full of water by grabbing hold of the burning hot plates. FML

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By bittersweet - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By names suck and so do I - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By UGH - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sexy time

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 23:00

No good deed goes unpunished

Today, I went in for my first day of work. I told them three months in advance that I was going away for 2 weeks to build a school in a third world country. I was fired. FML

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By PizzaBoySwag - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

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By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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By Ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

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By alone_forever - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

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By untitledentity - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

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By picklemonger - Canada

Spinning out and miserable

Today, for the first time ever, I had a bout of vertigo in the middle of a mall. It went so very nicely with my crushing loneliness. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

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By hantavirus - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

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By [email protected]

Today, though it’s been a month since I removed the plaster from my wrist, it still stinks of feet. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6332940 - Friday 26 June 2015 19:00

Looks like you flopped on the exam. Hopefully you'll dive back into it and pass, but make sure you don't drown yourself in past errors.

By stieglar | 17

#6332936 - Friday 26 June 2015 18:57

Someone needs a new career choice...

COMMENTS

By stieglar | 17

#6332936 - Friday 26 June 2015 18:57

Someone needs a new career choice...

AlexanderIsLife | 14

#6332976 - Friday 26 June 2015 19:44

Boy that's a slippery situation...anyone? No? Okay

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6333035 - Friday 26 June 2015 21:39

That makes me moist.

NoName011 | 12

#6333079 - Friday 26 June 2015 23:04

Plot twist: OP was supposed to fall in, making the victim "the hero".

By ttoriiii | 10

#6332937 - Friday 26 June 2015 18:57

Aww, I hope you still passed. And if you didn't there usually is retakes the next day. At least that's how it was when I took my lifeguard exam.

melonscotch | 14

#6332951 - Friday 26 June 2015 19:06

I don't know if OP will be able to take the makeup for a little bit. I think they usually have you wear those velcrow boots to immobilize the toe for a few weeks.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6333047 - Friday 26 June 2015 22:06

I'm not sure how people would feel if they knew that the person who's supposed to save them cracks under pressure and couldn't pass the exam consistently.