Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a sandwich shop and couldn't help but secretly... - FML

By Mason_Jayson - 22/03/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was at a sandwich shop and couldn't help but secretly remove a loose hair from a girl standing in front of me. I yanked it and she instantly began screaming and crying. It was in fact a very long mole hair. The thing started bleeding like a gunshot wound. My apologies went unnoticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 840

You deserved it 168 466

Mason_Jayson tells us more.

Send a private message

Monday 23 March 2009 18:37

This is my FML. In my UNDESERVED defense...I do have a little OCD, I work in healthcare and automatically want to help when I see something like that, and there may have been a few beers involved. I'm not a pervert and have never done anything like that before (and you had better believe since). And for those who are curious: the mole was on her shoulder and the hair I touched was down by her shoulderbladeish area. This sucker was LONG.

Taking stock

Mother of the year

Get out while you still can

By automaticfail_00 - 17/06/2009 23:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 940

You deserved it 5 033

Neverending story

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 11:01

Today, it's my birthday. We were supposed to be going to a nice Italian restaurant at 6.30 p.m. Instead, the whole region is going into a snap lockdown from 6 p.m., due to the recent community transmissions of Covid-19. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 104

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, after much deliberation, I decided to accept my parents' invitation to a family dinner. A half hour after I arrived, all hell broke loose, because my mom's pregnancy test had come back positive, and she was convinced my dad had poked holes in his own condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 865

You deserved it 1 749

Cover up

By atsukobo - 02/11/2020 22:59 - United States

Today, after a nasty fight with my military husband, which resulted in mandatory marriage counseling, he told me we needed to talk about the fight. Not talk it over and apologize; talk it over so our stories are consistent when we see the therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 154

By toomuch - 22/11/2011 09:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 262

You deserved it 12 842

By rent-a-cop - 05/05/2013 04:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 713

You deserved it 7 272

By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 997

You deserved it 3 556

Go deep

By Anonymous - 28/03/2013 20:56 - France - Sainte-savine

Spicy

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 057

You deserved it 16 948

By mariama - 23/01/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 906

You deserved it 3 110

That makes sense

By HistoryHasEyes - 04/09/2020 23:01

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 94

By fuck YOLO - 03/04/2013 05:20 - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 276

You deserved it 3 906

By tayluh26 - 15/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 596

You deserved it 15 947

By Hannah - 04/03/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 941

You deserved it 31 621

By jilted - 21/03/2009 07:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432 005

You deserved it 46 526

By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - 03/03/2014 22:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 163

You deserved it 9 578

By anonymous - 05/01/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 721

You deserved it 7 547

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 15:08 - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 265

You deserved it 5 036

Puppy training

By doggone - 05/05/2012 23:07 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 959

You deserved it 34 824

By skinnybitch - 11/12/2012 18:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 877

You deserved it 6 528

By blueballed - 29/11/2014 21:08 - Germany - Kiel

Spicy

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 940

You deserved it 7 819

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 484

You deserved it 3 528

Cheers

By toastynippies - 24/02/2015 19:32 - United States

Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 151

You deserved it 3 204

By Bug - 15/10/2012 21:38 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I called my mom for help. When she came over, she said I looked like a dead bug, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 022

You deserved it 2 412

By jccwell - 23/09/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 031

You deserved it 2 358

By Noslo - 10/11/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 732

You deserved it 4 040

Confuddled

By Spiller - 17/11/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 329

You deserved it 29 005

Delete your account

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 08:01 - United States - Delhi

Today, I learned that Dolph Lundgren's "daughter", Lisbeth Olofsson, is not only fictional, but a stolen identity. Who the hell have I been talking to on Facebook since 2013? FML

I agree, your life sucks 261

You deserved it 881

By kissandcontrol01 - 10/10/2015 04:22 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 525

You deserved it 4 122

By Anonymous - 30/12/2008 10:41 - France

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 791

You deserved it 3 287

By lizann - 03/04/2012 05:39 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 422

You deserved it 4 649

By Tickdick - 24/03/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 259

You deserved it 536

By MrOh - 09/08/2011 17:29 - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 615

You deserved it 4 499

By izzy46111 - 11/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 887

You deserved it 5 133

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 11:01 - Slovakia - Senec

Today, I realised that 3/4 of my family are prone to believe conspiracies and are anti-Covid freaks. I want to keep our relationships, but every discussion ends in an argument about some conspiracy they believe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 154

By dizzlewizzle - 06/03/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 11 766

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 01:20 - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 425

You deserved it 3 214

By Ren - 24/02/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 576

You deserved it 4 313

Like a virgin

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 17:01

Spicy

Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 615

You deserved it 434

By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 10:58 - United States

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 391

You deserved it 2 669

Purr Evil

By Anonymous - 05/03/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 68

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:32

Which is why you never, ever let your OCD take control when in public.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:33

while that really sucks for you, i gotta say. you just don't do stuff like that to strangers.

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:32

Which is why you never, ever let your OCD take control when in public.

Send a private message

Saturday 4 July 2009 12:59

Exactly!!!! Ignore it!!!!! xD God I feel sorry for that kid, must've hurt like hell...

Send a private message

Wednesday 31 March 2010 6:04

thanks for telling us now i have to go to bed with this nasty thought in my head

Send a private message

Friday 11 June 2010 20:20

lol gunshot wound!

Send a private message

Sunday 26 September 2010 21:12

Say this: "WTF happened?! You're bleeding!" You're technically not lying.

confusdsincbirth 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 October 2010 13:58

LMFAO I could just imagine that..

Send a private message

Sunday 12 June 2011 19:58

YOUR DIGUSTING this has nothing to do with OCD I'm all for that person ripping. The mo lhair from that filthy kid and that should've. Been done ages ago by someone else and obviously you must've. Have not read correctly. Because that's jus so fucking nasty and you just plain nasty period!

Send a private message

Thursday 5 January 2012 19:27

you're typing is fucking nasty and makes me want to hurl. chill the hell out.

tellithowitis 13

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 January 2012 5:47

If you insist on correcting someone on their speech, make sure you have your own spelling and capitalization. *Your (with capitalized Y) Also, it would not be you're since it is possessive in the sentence You're basically saying "You are typing is ridiculous..." Lastly the "C" in chill is indeed capitalized also. Hope this mini lesson benefited everyone...

Send a private message

Wednesday 1 February 2012 14:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

22cute 17

Send a private message

Monday 28 May 2012 20:42

It kinda looks like that anyway, ya know?

Send a private message

Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:08

Totally agree

PunkRocker333 1

Send a private message

Wednesday 10 April 2013 3:48

you cant exactly do that

Send a private message

Saturday 24 August 2013 4:57

Sounds like something that would happen to me.

Send a private message

Monday 16 June 2014 6:56

It's really hard if you actually HAVE OCD.

Noelletakumi 36

Send a private message

Thursday 2 October 2014 5:30

Oh my gosh. Poor girl, that must have been disgusting to watch on her end. Don't do something like that in public again...save it for when you're alone.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:33

while that really sucks for you, i gotta say. you just don't do stuff like that to strangers.

pinkfrenchrose 5

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:33

Wtf?!

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:33

O.O Why'd you do that...?

Send a private message

Wednesday 13 August 2014 0:25

Having OCD can make people do things that others might find plain stupid. It can be very hard to control.

Purexinsanity 46

Send a private message

Monday 6 April 2015 16:07

Except nowhere on the FML does it say OP had OCD and it's unfair to blame the disorder when it could just as easily have been OP being an idiot who thought their action was a harmless one.

Send a private message

Tuesday 20 October 2015 6:32

because hes fucking STUPID

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:33

That's just gross. Now I'll have that image stuck in my head for a week. FML

ShortRound_babie 0

Send a private message

Monday 12 March 2012 23:16

That made want to hurl too. FML

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:34

...Damn. Just. Damn.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:34

i'm sorry, next time you shouldn't touch people's hair. what if she had lice or something!

Send a private message

Wednesday 10 March 2010 6:15

if evalution(don't you trolls dare start) is correct than it's an instnk from our early mammal years

Send a private message

Sunday 21 November 2010 7:34

If I am correct (and don't you trolls dare start) "evalution" is spelled evolution.

Send a private message

Thursday 17 March 2011 3:07

Bahahaha!!!! you're funny.

Send a private message

Sunday 17 April 2011 6:43

HAHAHAHAHA 290 that's funny!

ben22rosebery 0

Send a private message

Thursday 11 August 2011 6:50

evolution* instinct*

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:35

thats why you don't yank. if you see a loose hair and MUST pull it, pull loosely/slowly, if it truley is loose it'll fall out by itself. if it isn't youll feel the slight tug, and you will realize it is not loose, and hopefully the whole thing will go unnoticed. YDI def. you don't do that shit to strangers anyways.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:36

wtf.. why would you do that?? :S

ish_happens223 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 March 2009 23:37

ew ew ew! that is SO gross!!! that's why mommies and daddies tell their children not to talk to strangers, especially dont TOUCH strangers' equally strange body hair.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 17

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 18

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 190