Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken...

By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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Intimacy

Fashion Police

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Non-baby fever

By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

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By ilikeirishducks - 19/6/2009 13:51 - Italy

Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 10:29 - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By saywhatnow - 25/11/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By Iwtumn - 17/3/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

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By N O - 27/5/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

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By Scared - 5/6/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 20:12 - Denmark

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

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By Juanna - 13/1/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

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By Greatgrandpa - 30/11/2014 17:29 - Curacao

Today, my only child introduced his new girlfriend to me. He is 36 and has no children. She is 46 and has a pregnant daughter who she is very close with. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, but in any case, my son is going to be one before me. FML

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By super maman - 30/9/2014 03:08 - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By youre dumped shitforbrain - 19/8/2012 16:52 - Sweden - H?lleforsn

Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML

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By CrazzY88s - 6/6/2010 16:00 - Ireland

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

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By Chris - 22/10/2009 04:57 - Canada

Today, I was riding the bus home from college. I was standing in the aisle and there was a rather cute girl sitting next to me. The bus came to an abrupt stop, I tripped, and fell into her lap. She shrieked, "Eww! Get off me!" and shove me onto the floor of the bus. Nice to know I'm revolting. FML

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By waternixie - 8/10/2014 03:49 - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

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By toametru1 - 9/11/2016 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

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By kingkobrastrikes - 21/1/2015 01:56 - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

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By shook - 6/9/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

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By Hair Fail - 22/10/2011 15:32 - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By md - 25/11/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2020 14:00

My 21st birthday

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

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By katelynm - 8/2/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By shh - 9/10/2015 07:06 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By virgo - 30/1/2010 06:50 - France

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

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By jamjamy - 26/12/2008 04:53 - France

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

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By justagirl - 2/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

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By Rebecca - 3/10/2020 23:07

What could go wrong?

Today, I slipped into an ATM vestibule quickly without a mask. The place smelled like the antiseptic at a doctor's office, so I figured, "What could go wrong? Not more than 6 hours later, I found out that I’m sick. FML

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By krt - 3/10/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

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By russty - 17/1/2010 17:45 - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

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By barfyshirt - 6/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

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By drano - 2/8/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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By letmefallasleep - 1/4/2020 14:00

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

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By aunty_social - 25/8/2018 14:30

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

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By WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM - 18/11/2012 21:22 - United States - Endicott

Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#659552 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

A good three-way would have helped to smoothen out that week.

By wozer | 0

#659757 - Saturday 7 November 2009 22:36

sounds like her roommate had it pretty rough too

COMMENTS

By Drakon_fml | 7

#659520 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:05

Don't be hatin.

iJasper | 8

#2917865 - Monday 18 July 2011 2:51

O.o

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6104167 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 23:48

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#659544 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

hah I'm sorry for you. that wasn't your fault, and I can relate to you cause i also had a rough week

wozer | 0

#659757 - Saturday 7 November 2009 22:36

sounds like her roommate had it pretty rough too

By thatonekid2010 | 0

#659545 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

hahaha that sucks

By dxscorp | 0

#659546 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

first

but yeah fyl...you shouldve joined them though

Jbiebs82 | 0

#991642 - Thursday 13 May 2010 7:59

Poor you ur not first... BLUEBERRY PANCAKES!!!!!

By perdix | 29

#659552 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

A good three-way would have helped to smoothen out that week.

By coolsteve | 0

#659574 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:24

YDI for having neighbours

ryguy997 | 0

#1028766 - Saturday 12 June 2010 22:56

6 lives in the middle of nowhere.

By ruben7467 | 0

#659617 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:47

it's not really a fml unless you can't get action?

Ashleexx | 0

#1396635 - Monday 13 September 2010 8:15

yeaah it is , cause she had to listen to it !!

By Kureyna | 0

#659682 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:28

That sucks, but who knows what joining them could lead too. XD

By Mx_Rider | 6

#659686 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:33

a three sum woulda made ur week a lil better, pretty sure a dick in ur vaj would have lightened u up :D

brenkite | 5

#4389259 - Friday 4 May 2012 4:20

Spelling and grammar lessons would have gotten you likes

By thebawss | 0

#659696 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:40

hot