Intimacy: Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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Intimacy

Hiding from the drama

Vulture

Ungrateful

By Anonymous

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

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By alltimelove

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By Academia - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By hobbit - United States - Winthrop

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Jim Henson lives

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

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By Zanovitch - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 23:02

Freaked out

Today, I told my girlfriend that one of my intellectually challenged friends now holds an engineering position at an aircraft company. She wasn't a fan of flying before, and now refuses to set foot anywhere near any aircraft of any kind. FML

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By Bride to be - United States - Dayton

Today, after religiously eating healthy, getting good sleep, and trying to keep my stress level low, I'm stuck in bed with aches, fever, sore throat, the shits and throwing up. My wedding is in 2 days. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

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By Anonymous

He tried.

Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML

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By marisacb - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

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By Narehs - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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By student101 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I got a history project back that I worked very hard on. The teacher didn't bother to write any feedback, besides, "Did you even understand the assignment?" on the back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found a necklace that my parents had made for me. While looking at it, I realized my parents had spelled my name wrong. FML

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By gross - 23/5/2021 02:00

Belch monster

Today, while on a date with an amazing guy, I burped. He called me a disgusting pig and immediately left. I have burped a total of three times in my life and have therefore never learned how to control it. FML

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1053

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

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By bTOhno - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By hatty - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By sadcartoons - Canada

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

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By hellbound - United States - San Antonio

Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML

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By roadrage - Australia

Today, I missed my University entrance exam because of heavy traffic. I was stuck at one intersection for over an hour. The real kicker? It took me less than 10 minutes to drive home. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

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By Soakedandbroke - United States - Houston

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

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By anonymous

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

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By Notyourstepmom - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

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By reckless - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

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By Not Mrs Soprano - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my mother asking me if I was okay. Confused, I asked her what she meant. She then told me that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

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By "chris_lillo" - United States - Waco

Late reaction

Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML

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By WhoLikesPie - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By shrimp41 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#659552 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

A good three-way would have helped to smoothen out that week.

By wozer | 0

#659757 - Saturday 7 November 2009 22:36

sounds like her roommate had it pretty rough too

COMMENTS

By Drakon_fml | 7

#659520 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:05

Don't be hatin.

iJasper | 8

#2917865 - Monday 18 July 2011 2:51

O.o

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6104167 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 23:48

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#659544 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

hah I'm sorry for you. that wasn't your fault, and I can relate to you cause i also had a rough week

wozer | 0

#659757 - Saturday 7 November 2009 22:36

sounds like her roommate had it pretty rough too

By thatonekid2010 | 0

#659545 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

hahaha that sucks

By dxscorp | 0

#659546 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

first

but yeah fyl...you shouldve joined them though

Jbiebs82 | 0

#991642 - Thursday 13 May 2010 7:59

Poor you ur not first... BLUEBERRY PANCAKES!!!!!

By perdix | 29

#659552 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

A good three-way would have helped to smoothen out that week.

By coolsteve | 0

#659574 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:24

YDI for having neighbours

ryguy997 | 0

#1028766 - Saturday 12 June 2010 22:56

6 lives in the middle of nowhere.

By ruben7467 | 0

#659617 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:47

it's not really a fml unless you can't get action?

Ashleexx | 0

#1396635 - Monday 13 September 2010 8:15

yeaah it is , cause she had to listen to it !!

By Kureyna | 0

#659682 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:28

That sucks, but who knows what joining them could lead too. XD

By Mx_Rider | 6

#659686 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:33

a three sum woulda made ur week a lil better, pretty sure a dick in ur vaj would have lightened u up :D

brenkite | 5

#4389259 - Friday 4 May 2012 4:20

Spelling and grammar lessons would have gotten you likes

By thebawss | 0

#659696 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:40

hot