Intimacy: Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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Intimacy

Walk on the wild side

My body, my choice

They're everywhere

By jennavankirk - United States

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

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By Jobless - United States

Today, my 16 yr old cousin needed help making a job resume so I give him mine to see as an example. He changed my name to his and it got him a job right away. The sad part? I handed my resume out to about 30 places and I am still unemployed. FML

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By annoyedwithkids - Canada

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

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By xpxp2002 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By unacceptable - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

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By Hmmwtf - Australia

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

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By tom28402 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I competed in a Tae Kwon Do competition. I came third with my team in the sparring event. My mum said as a joke, "Were there only 3 teams?" There were. FML

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By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying, "I can come over today. She thinks I've got work." I think he had the wrong number. FML

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By Mr.no contacts - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

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By thiswouldhappen. - United States

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

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By WhoLikesPie - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

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By sprainedankle - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

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By kimhinesvoinea - United States

Today, I took multiple pictures of my blanket and pillow pet, trying to get the "perfect pose" so I could post it on Facebook with a cheesy joke. I'm 30. FML

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By mandythepandy

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 02:01

Gonna need more details, please

Today, I learned my husband thinks that our 10 year relationship has been a "step above mediocre" since 8 years ago, when we got married, and his family melted down that our wedding didn't happen their way, and thus began their undermining of our relationship. He believes it's "no ones fault." Uh huh. FML

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By anerdmom

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By Jgfenix - United States - Aurora

Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML

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By fmfl - United States

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

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By Kyle - United States - Seattle

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

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By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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By phantom-yamato - 1/5/2020 17:00

Germ warfare

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous

Overreaction much?

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

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By perpetuallyscrewed

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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By hairybetty - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

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By Cheryl

Go, Vegan!

Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML

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By zitroskies - United States

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

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By konens_dick - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

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By Anonymous - Qatar - Doha

Today, my boss' incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

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By Unknown - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

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By finalyearsofhate

Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML

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By Shino

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

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By Why

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By goo - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#659552 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

A good three-way would have helped to smoothen out that week.

By wozer | 0

#659757 - Saturday 7 November 2009 22:36

sounds like her roommate had it pretty rough too

COMMENTS

By Drakon_fml | 7

#659520 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:05

Don't be hatin.

iJasper | 8

#2917865 - Monday 18 July 2011 2:51

O.o

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6104167 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 23:48

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#659544 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

hah I'm sorry for you. that wasn't your fault, and I can relate to you cause i also had a rough week

wozer | 0

#659757 - Saturday 7 November 2009 22:36

sounds like her roommate had it pretty rough too

By thatonekid2010 | 0

#659545 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

hahaha that sucks

By dxscorp | 0

#659546 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:15

first

but yeah fyl...you shouldve joined them though

Jbiebs82 | 0

#991642 - Thursday 13 May 2010 7:59

Poor you ur not first... BLUEBERRY PANCAKES!!!!!

By perdix | 29

#659552 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:16

A good three-way would have helped to smoothen out that week.

By coolsteve | 0

#659574 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:24

YDI for having neighbours

ryguy997 | 0

#1028766 - Saturday 12 June 2010 22:56

6 lives in the middle of nowhere.

By ruben7467 | 0

#659617 - Saturday 7 November 2009 20:47

it's not really a fml unless you can't get action?

Ashleexx | 0

#1396635 - Monday 13 September 2010 8:15

yeaah it is , cause she had to listen to it !!

By Kureyna | 0

#659682 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:28

That sucks, but who knows what joining them could lead too. XD

By Mx_Rider | 6

#659686 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:33

a three sum woulda made ur week a lil better, pretty sure a dick in ur vaj would have lightened u up :D

brenkite | 5

#4389259 - Friday 4 May 2012 4:20

Spelling and grammar lessons would have gotten you likes

By thebawss | 0

#659696 - Saturday 7 November 2009 21:40

hot