Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into... - FML

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 11:46 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 316

You deserved it 3 396

Own it

How? Why? What?

Oh, hai Mark!

Potholes

By Yudith - 16/10/2019 00:01

Today, I ran to catch the night bus which passes every hour, when it unexpectedly passed its stop and turned right. I ran faster, only to trip on a roadwork sign and scrape both knees on the half-rebuilt road, ruining my new yoga pants in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 336

You deserved it 282

Long distance

By singlesailor - 19/09/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I'm in my fourth month of training in the US Navy. I'm 3000 miles from home. I joined to give my wife a better life. Since I've been gone, she decided that she liked being single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 445

You deserved it 4 434

Sounds wholesome…

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 08:04

Today, my grandmother told me that my grandfather was a great man, and that he did a lot for the state of Ohio. When I got home, I googled him. He was the leader of one of the biggest KKK groups in America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 492

You deserved it 110

By anonymous - 13/08/2011 06:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 855

You deserved it 18 244

By assgoblins piss me off - 06/05/2014 20:52 - Canada - Camrose

Today, I turned in my best painting yet for a scholarship competition. For once in my life, I was actually proud of a piece I'd done. I ended up losing the scholarship to some dickface who'd basically just glued together some crap from the dollar store and called it conceptual art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 121

You deserved it 5 574

By pumboc - 24/06/2013 05:38 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 166

You deserved it 3 096

By TheStudentNurse - 18/11/2016 00:07

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 770

You deserved it 597

By NeverLookingAgain - 30/12/2015 04:16 - United States

Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 366

You deserved it 2 012

Stay classy

By chattyloz - 07/02/2013 12:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 816

You deserved it 39 753

By pchis4ever - 20/11/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 523

You deserved it 36 796

By alex - 14/03/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 712

You deserved it 10 047

By becca1417 - 01/09/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 712

You deserved it 45 214

By woman - 17/11/2012 08:45 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 676

You deserved it 7 721

By stupidquestionsstupidpeople - 30/04/2013 03:32 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I met one of my favorite web-comic artists. As I purchased a shirt from their booth he asked, "What size?" I stupidly asked "How big is a small?" He chuckled, "It's small" and chuckled some more. So much for keeping it cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 418

You deserved it 7 778

Mistaken identity

By fmlfmlfml - 20/07/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I slept together. In the middle of the night, he saw my phone receiving a text from someone saying, "Hey baby, I missed you so much! I'm going to be visiting in a couple of days, hope to see you again, I love you!" He got mad and left my house. It was my dad in Ohio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 977

You deserved it 4 894

By j0hn - 23/02/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 921

You deserved it 17 452

By Dani - 12/01/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 469

You deserved it 6 031

By BigBlue - 19/03/2014 23:19 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 128

You deserved it 5 600

Hangover

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 14:00

Today, I got really sick after drinking a lot of alcohol and started throwing up. Every time I threw up into the toilet, the water would splash back up into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 3 034

By fuckmylife - 28/04/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 248

You deserved it 8 331

By YOUNG1441 - 29/06/2016 21:50 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 129

You deserved it 778

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 07:25 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 394

You deserved it 26 345

Downhill

By worthless - 03/04/2011 00:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reading my boyfriend's online diary. It started off really sweet, saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me, and how he utterly adored me. It then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me, all because I have a low sex-drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 987

You deserved it 19 302

By Mary - 05/03/2019 18:00

Today, I tried to go down the stairs two steps at a time. I slipped, fell flat on my ass, and busted my lower lip against my overbite. When I tried to get up, I realized I had also peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 998

You deserved it 1 352

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 09:01 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 517

You deserved it 4 649

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 461

You deserved it 2 952

I'm innocent!

By Garrison - 18/12/2017 15:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 550

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:44 - United Kingdom - Hampton Hill

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 001

You deserved it 1 500

By Pop - 15/01/2014 02:38 - United States - New York

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 485

You deserved it 4 770

By hahahaha91 - 03/10/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 063

You deserved it 51 575

By Lunab123 - 01/02/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 834

You deserved it 2 549

By izazbouletz - 07/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the nearby marina. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind a lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 717

By Hotdogwater - 29/12/2016 13:33

Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 601

You deserved it 330

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 595

You deserved it 3 859

Office life sucks

By Anonymous - 02/11/2019 02:00

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 315

You deserved it 196

By God the smell - 09/08/2018 22:00

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 018

You deserved it 275

By Scarlet - 09/08/2016 18:01

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 614

You deserved it 1 128

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 17:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 657

You deserved it 1 466

By Female - 12/02/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 602

You deserved it 6 160

By madaskueuchiha - 08/08/2009 03:57 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 739

You deserved it 3 872

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Top comments

Supersonic54 18

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:26

Errr, if it was her room, perhaps try knocking next time?

Odiz747 23

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:25

*Cleveland voice* Ooh, that's nasty

Comments

JHPugh 19

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:25

Sorry, always sucks to walk in on relatives 'relieving' themselves. FYL

michaelaranda 28

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:33

OP probably should have knocked though assuming she was in her room or a bathroom. If it was just out in the living room... You should probably tell her why that isnt okay.

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:25

*Cleveland voice* Ooh, that's nasty

Supersonic54 18

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:26

Errr, if it was her room, perhaps try knocking next time?

Pandapete4857 11

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Saturday 7 May 2016 19:45

It says I walked in on her not that she was in her room. She could have been in the living room.

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:28

At least it wasn't your phone

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:29

Knock next time but that is just... Eww

mermaidkeels 26

Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:30

I guess my biggest concern is that the same device she used on her vagina, she also uses close to her face when she makes a phone call.

dannnngthatsux 19

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:43

Maybe it wasn't directly on it...

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 23:49

And it possibly wasn't clean when she put it in her vagina. If it had been dropped on the floor etc. or even from hands, it could have collected many germs.

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 0:52

The worst part is, the best way to 'clean' the phone is to wipe it with a mildly damp, non-scratchy fabric, which mostly just smears the germs around

Auromo 14

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 2:49

if she gas a galaxy 5-6 she can just wash it off no big deal.

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 3:39

The average cell phone has more germs & bacteria than a toilet seat

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 16:31

well said

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:30

Yup i'll go get brain bleach

lemonadestand 7

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 23:12

I hear you can buy those in bulk now

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:30

I'd recommend some bleach, holy water, or jumping of a building. Combine them for the best results

Verina 10

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Sunday 11 October 2015 18:47

Yes, I too would recommend the jumping of a building, in this situation I think ot would really help

Earths_Venus 25

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:31

I don't normally advocate buying sex toys for minors but in this case you might want to consider buying her a vibrator. It's going to be hella awkward but using her phone is disgusting.

CluelessKitKat 18

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:38

We don't know if she was a minor, but I agree. Also, explain why using her phone is not only disgusting but dangerous. And if you get her a toy, get her the proper cleaning stuff to go along with it.

okaydisarray 17

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 23:22

I think buying her a vibrator would be "hella awkward" as well...

suosi 21

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 9:13

How bout help her find a boyfriend...

ThrottleJockey 34

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 16:23

My wife works with foster kids and it is not uncommon for them to buy their clients "toys" to satiate their urges without risking getting pregnant.

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Tuesday 6 October 2015 22:31

You should also be concerned that she's using her phone for that. Be the bigger person and tell her that's not the right thing object to use and you seeing that doesn't change how you view her

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Wednesday 7 October 2015 11:52

This is actually great advice and the most mature way to help her out

hisfaceallred 19

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Saturday 24 October 2015 6:25

this should be the top comment tbh

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 140

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 47