Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML
Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML
Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML
Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML
Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML
Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML
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Top comments
whoaaahorsie 7
for a dirty translation, maybe "if there's **** involved i'll get on my knees and be your bitch" ?
lukybasturd 0
well me not understanding this is my fml. someone please comment an explanation.
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Comments (155)
lolyeahthatsme 11
I be you would make a good dog.
GoW_Chick 15
You know if you add a comma in there, instead of add the missing 't', it would make a completely different comment then what you were going for... "I be you, would make a good dog."
lolyeahthatsme 11
Gee thanks.
Reject93 1
must be black....
GoW_Chick 15
Looks like he won't be missing his wife in a few, poor dog might not get that chicken after all.
GoW_Chick 15
You should of just stuck with one of the comments, then people might not have noticed how much they suck, which is why OP should've kept their mouth shut, because that's all the old man can think about now...
anelelabel 6
I don't understand how you said all that. There was probably either awkwardness or a good time after that.
jamethy 9
Woooow! Well I can see where your mind was going. I can also see the look on the poor guys face
angrynegro7 16
You are a dirty, dirty girl...
silvergaze 1
Your picture is my favorite picture of all time. Just sayin you have good taste. Lol
angrynegro7 16
Yeah, it's a gift. :)
tinker9107 1
I would love to know what he replied with lol
StromyG2 10
I hope you're not black. If so, F MY life.
Cynical_in_SK 6
Wait...where's the beef?