Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML
Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML
Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML
Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML
Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML
Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML
Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML
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Top comments
whoaaahorsie 7
for a dirty translation, maybe "if there's **** involved i'll get on my knees and be your bitch" ?
lukybasturd 0
well me not understanding this is my fml. someone please comment an explanation.
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Comments (155)
jnaust 8
Paying for sex with chicken? Hmmm..... this is something I hope catches on!
megotswag 0
Yeah...I'm lost.
itstesshomo 2
hhaha
TKmax 5
This is quite possibly the worst comment ever.
cheesecakex 5
Are you, by any chance, black?
JayByrd13 6
well doesn't that blow..(:
goodgirlxgonebad 3
Why the f would you ever say that?!
hannahfran45 6
Old men, dogs, and chicken...sounds like a good night.
Pelreskovich 11
I really wish you would have included his response. There is no way it wasn't hilarious.
GoW_Chick 15
Old man: "So you like chicken eh?" *eyebrow raised with creepy smile*
causticgirl 6
I am guessing he got his bag and got the hell out of there!
KelBelAndNats 7
To further expand on what GoW_Chick said: "So you like chicken, eh? Well I like the look of your chicken fillets."
Pelreskovich 11
What about those chicken breasts? ;)
Miss_Whipped 43
I like thighs personally. ;)
GEFStryker 29
Come on #87. How did you go with fillet instead of breasts?
islander03 5
Horniness, sexual deprivation, a dirty mind, and hunger = a deadly combination that causes people to make excessive fools of themselves in otherwise normal situations
lex1459 38
Must've been some good chicken!
candirose711 0
Haha hun, just get off the internet.