Miscellaneous: Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit...

By ihatemakingnames - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

Sick burn

By Anonymous - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML

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By NoorFML - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

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27138

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By myusofwe - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

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By zcollins - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

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By stay in there - 17/4/2020 23:00

Dumbasses

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

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By kekumbas - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking coffee out of my favorite mug, when it slipped out of my hand. I caught it, but not before most of the hot coffee spilled all over my lap. In reaction, I dropped the mug again, shattering it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By skeletor - United States

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

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By Itchy

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By katrina2d - United States - Vancouver

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

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By Uhg

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

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2188

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

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By jakewr - United States

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

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33269

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By Lisaaa - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

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By Amy - France

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

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By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By big_bail - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By KayIsKiwi99 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

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By longdistancemyass

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is currently dating a girl who lives in Korea. We broke up because I was moving to a different part of the city for college and he thought the distance would be "too much." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

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By Wetarse - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML

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By Wilhelm - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By David Wicker - 9/9/2020 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

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By Yuuucky - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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By Ryan McArdle - 25/1/2021 10:58

What did I do?

Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we had our first rainstorm in weeks. Thirty seconds before it started, my window broke in the "down" position from overuse, since last week the air conditioning in my car gave out. Now I have a hot, wet car. FML

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By WorkerBee

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

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By mog907 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a 2nd degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

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By UniverseHatesMe - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

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12893

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By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By Anonymous

Can't win

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

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By Julie

Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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Top comments

By CheeseHater | 23

#5393577 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:18

What about your ass hair?

By CareFace | 16

#5393587 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:23

I'm 20 and can't grow a beard... It's ok, we can "wow" the ladies with our strikingly smooth baby faces. ;)

COMMENTS

By CheeseHater | 23

#5393577 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:18

What about your ass hair?

lambda_fml | 40

#5393597 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:35

Dont forget the pubes!

node_fml | 5

#5393685 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 11:38

Quite funny, right, ripping good laugh.

By bybib | 20

#5393580 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:19

Beards aren't all that anyway.

picante72 | 24

#5393664 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 11:07

They are if you are Chuck Norris. Behind his beard is another fist.

sonicgreg | 12

#5393776 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 12:52

9... Wtf?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5393800 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 13:15

9- Your "joke" made no sense. Sexual preference has little to do with one's preference for or against facial hair.

You're gay, we get it. Please, get your mind out of your rut and try being relevant.

neilykins | 28

#5393802 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 13:18

A 'beard' also refers to the girlfriend of a gay man. So, he's hiding behind his beard.

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#5393896 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 15:26

HOW DARE YOU

DanielT1994 | 19

#5393903 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 15:30

I'm struggling to understand how you could relate beards an speaking Italian.

Shafreeka | 8

#5394068 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 18:43

35 - Family Guy.

akiahara | 14

#5394080 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 18:52

31, I'm pretty sure it was a moustache.

wolfgold2 | 20

#5588392 - Friday 19 July 2013 22:50

tell that to the Beardman

By CareFace | 16

#5393587 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:23

I'm 20 and can't grow a beard... It's ok, we can "wow" the ladies with our strikingly smooth baby faces. ;)

BulldogHoops | 14

#5393886 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 15:05

Trust me that doesn't work

lec17 | 10

#5394039 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 18:04

true, I love baby faces

Pwib | 14

#5394900 - Wednesday 6 March 2013 8:42

3's name is very relevant.

By JustAGirlOnFML | 11

#5393591 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:27

Glue on the hair you shaved off.

klutz44 | 28

#5393653 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 10:51

The only thing sexier than a beard is other body hair glued to your face.

picante72 | 24

#5393661 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 11:05

This reminded me of the stunt in Jackass 2 when they glue pubes on a mans face to make a beard. The hair came from a dozen people. Some of the pubes had crabs crawling around. "Shudders"

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5393875 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 14:55

17 that is just nasty!!

XxQuartersxX | 14

#5662767 - Saturday 7 September 2013 7:52

Awesome comment.

By snufflebubble | 13

#5393592 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:27

Hmmm... My boyfriend grows a beard ridiculously fast and it is definitely NOT a positive. That shit itches ;)

Pleonasm | 34

#5393974 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 16:52

I guess it depends from person to person, because in France we kiss each other on the cheeks to greet, and people I know always say my beard is soft.

By Enslaved | 36

#5393593 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:27

I've heard that there are quite a few guys that can't grow in a beard (just patches). Shame, some guys look great with them.
Ex: Dave Navarro! :D

By nousernamesworks | 12

#5393594 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:28

Why do you hate making names though?

EpicSquishii | 21

#5393655 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 10:53

Your user name and his make quite the pair

Epikouros | 31

#5393719 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 12:07

Because everybody will call him Frodo anyway.

By lambda_fml | 40

#5393596 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:33

Hobbits cant grow a beard I believe.

Bubbelz | 24

#5393789 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 13:02

They may grow huge sideburns though. Although you never know with all of that uncontrollable ear hair.

By Bakarra | 22

#5393600 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:40

On the bright side you won't ever have a girl complain about hating your facial hair when she kisses you, speaking from my own similar non-experience :D

By waffule365 | 16

#5393614 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 9:55

I feel you OP

andyyroxx | 20

#5393759 - Tuesday 5 March 2013 12:35

You feel his baby-bottom chin, smooth as a polished stone.