Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that... - FML

By sunshine19217 - 18/1/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

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Doomed

Boom, headshot

The past that suits you best

By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my family. As part of my presents, my parents gave me prepaid debit card. When I got home, I looked at it again and realized it's the debit card you get from selling back books to our university bookstore. I bought my own books this year. They gave me my own refund. FML

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By anonymous - 10/8/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

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By wooed - 3/12/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

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By gspotter - 14/11/2014 21:58 - Canada - Verdun

Today, I get to add spaghetti sauce to my rather extensive list of things that don't belong in a person's eye but that end up in mine anyway. Other items include molten cheese, rock salt, orange juice, chips of nail polish, cotton fibers, and firework ash. FML

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By AlwaysTired - 14/9/2016 14:57 - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

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By wispywee - 29/6/2011 17:47 - Canada

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 07:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By - 21/10/2013 16:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2020 17:01

Good listener

Today, in a deep depression, on my worst night, I reached out to a lifeline. Waited an hour for the counselor to arrive, listen for a few minutes, then tell me I should, "Get my mind off of it by planning my prom, sewing a dress or painting my nails." The application clearly shows I'm an adult man. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2019 22:00

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By Lovestupid - 3/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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By Alin - 13/9/2018 14:30

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

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By adam - 3/2/2010 20:10 - France

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By embarrassed - 3/7/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

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By cherokeems - 20/10/2015 18:28 - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By Bullet - 13/8/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I had to go along with my mom to meet some of her old friends from high school. When they asked her about how her life was going, she said she was married, always traveling, no kids, and introduced me as the neighbor's kid she babysits. FML

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By lissysue1 - 12/7/2012 19:23 - United States - Green Bay

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

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By Jesska - 3/9/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

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By Anon - 12/1/2012 13:34 - Australia

Today, I actually took pleasure in sniffing my armpits after 2 days of not showering. FML

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By ALO - 21/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - 7/3/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By Cody1324 - 4/12/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years is better friends with my younger sister and when she has free time to go out and do something, she would rather spend it with her than with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2014 18:51 - United States - Athens

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

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By anon - 25/3/2013 18:31 - United States

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

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By Countdown has begun - 16/5/2019 12:58

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2016 18:36 - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

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By dak-rod423 - 15/10/2011 04:33 - United States

Today, my balls were stepped on while I was taking a nap in the park. The man said he didn't see me lying there. I was wearing a neon orange jacket. FML

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By timor - 18/12/2010 16:13 - United States

Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML

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By Mayrose125 - 29/11/2016 07:32

Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML

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By jkl54 - 1/4/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the mall. We were looking at jewellery in Zales and she came across the engagement rings. She looks at one and says, "Are you kidding me? That ring is hideous and it's the most expensive one here! Who the fuck would buy that?" Well, that would be me. FML

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By bodhimae - 3/5/2009 07:15 - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By unhappy - 7/6/2015 18:23 - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

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By ItGirl - 9/11/2014 02:36 - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

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By - 29/2/2020 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

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Top comments

By PhillyFox | 0

#1983673 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

Why would he care?

By UpsidedownKayak | 9

#1983718 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:22

OP, he delivers pizza to you, I don't know how often, but he does. He knows you always order a single pizza and that there is no one there with you. Sorry, but you aren't fooling him but you might get him inside to deliver his tip.

Does this sound like the beginning of a porn movie to anyone else?

COMMENTS

By christa953 | 12

#1983671 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

ydi

Reply

ortega_fml | 0

#1983815 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:04

ydi for using make-up to cover up your fugliness.

Reply

Nadinek98 | 0

#1983845 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:33

oh he already knows u don't have a life.

Reply

ivanoff | 0

#1987006 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 22:37

she wanted to hump the pizza guy!

By PhillyFox | 0

#1983673 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

Why would he care?

Reply

KDubs2156 | 0

#1983773 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:36

we don't. but it's always nice to have some eye candy while working

Reply

iliketurdles | 7

#1983835 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:25

Never mind why would he care, why would SHE care enough to put make-up on just to prove you have a life?

Here's an idea; actually go get a life.

Reply

afdude87 | 6

#1983852 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:38

insecurities for sure

Reply

Alanah101 | 0

#1984368 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 8:21

Once I got a free pizza. Well, only because he brought me the wrong one. lol. OP, don't order another pizza. Get dolled up, get out and treat yourself! :)

By zy135 | 1

#1983675 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

How does shew deserve it? What if the pizza guy coulda been cute so she coulda gotten a date with him

Reply

il_bastardo | 0

#1984219 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 7:14

The fact that she was ordering a whole pizza to eat alone makes you wonder about that...

Reply

onlywhenyourdrea | 0

#1985863 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 17:04

Its not like you can order half a Pizza. Besides, I doubt she was going to eat the whole Pizza at once.

By Micayla | 12

#1983676 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

Aww. Well, I suppose he was cute? Maybe you could get a date with him and have a life.

Reply

MRGalaxc | 0

#1989939 - Thursday 20 January 2011 20:50

lol your cute

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#2465992 - Friday 6 May 2011 3:41

lol your creepy

By IneffableLullaby | 13

#1983683 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

Instead of wishing you had a life, why don't you go out and get one? Pick up a new hobby that's fairly social. Problem solved.

Reply

poptarter | 2

#1983862 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:46

wow ... you are beautiful

By mort1818 | 0

#1983692 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:17

I did the same thing but I turned up the volume and made it look like I had friends over

By sarabraun8 | 7

#1983696 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:17

awe]:

Reply

BogJuan | 5

#1984314 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 8:01

Are you in awe of the op?

By Doortje | 28

#1983701 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:18

It's the pizza guy, he doesn't care about your looks and whether you have a life or not, he cares about your tip.

By DncrHap | 9

#1983703 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:18

and you know what? he probably did! mission accomplished.

either that or he was hoping you'd seduce him. either way, your lying worked out for the better.

By mintcar | 9

#1983711 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:20

Hahaha, you think he really cares? He probably already hates job, he doesn't have time to think about whether you have a life or not.