Miscellaneous: Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 100

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 40

18/01/2011 23:07

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 462

You deserved it 8 660

Taking stock

Hiding from the drama

Late term

27/12/2011 17:13

Today, I walked into my elderly grandmother's trailer, used the bathroom and went to wash my hands. She had a soft spot in the floor that she covered with a bathmat. I fell through. Right leg up to my hip in the floor, boobs stuck on the counter. My husband and grandmother stood there laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 827

You deserved it 3 120

03/08/2019 12:00

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 115

04/03/2010 05:30

Today, I discovered my employer is advertising for a contractor position within my team performing basically the same role as myself. Except the pay is seven times more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 541

You deserved it 2 053

26/08/2017 18:30

Today, at the dentist, I was just supposed to get three small cavities filled. I walked out with a referral slip for the endodontist. Hello, root canal. Fuck you, genetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 297

You deserved it 280

16/08/2016 17:26

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 252

You deserved it 1 678

Judgment Day

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 12:06

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 380

You deserved it 1 839

Intense

By AloneAtPerkins - 21/12/2020 23:04

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and it started getting heated. I climbed on top of him and took his shirt off, but I guess my brain had a different idea. I ended up clinging to him for dear life because my brain decided that now was a good time for a seizure. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 92

09/09/2016 21:03

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 164

You deserved it 1 861

02/09/2012 06:41

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 898

You deserved it 38 300

05/04/2011 04:04

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 369

You deserved it 6 691

12/03/2012 21:45

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 104

You deserved it 9 081

04/03/2009 06:06

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 807

You deserved it 4 666

Deception

By that'sokay - 12/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 460

Confused

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 14:31

Spicy

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with a meth dealer I just met online. Of course this occurred at his place, since he's on home detention for drug trafficking - ankle bracelet and all. Worst part? I really liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 256

You deserved it 1 856

20/09/2010 14:33

Today, I got fired from my recently acquired job at a doctor's office because I don't "agree with family values". The way I'm disrespecting their "family values"? I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 237

You deserved it 22 462

28/07/2014 02:48

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 431

You deserved it 2 783

21/07/2019 14:12

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 338

27/06/2013 01:57

Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 387

You deserved it 35 664

22/10/2010 09:04

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 202

You deserved it 31 616

It's not what you think!

By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 07:20

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 469

You deserved it 4 165

Shut up and take it

By Eric - 14/03/2020 06:05

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 213

28/06/2011 09:53

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he'd resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren't for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 222

You deserved it 58 303

09/02/2016 21:53

Today, I learnt what my boss meant when he said he would 'get his revenge on me' for winning a bet. I have to clean all the rooms that currently have a couple staying in it on February 15th. I don't want to work in a hotel anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 967

You deserved it 1 659

19/08/2013 06:21

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 172

You deserved it 2 841

23/12/2017 19:00

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 430

31/07/2009 16:02

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 146

You deserved it 6 354

29/10/2013 04:24

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 115

You deserved it 4 458

03/01/2015 21:16

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 692

You deserved it 2 908

21/02/2016 02:53

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 921

You deserved it 2 544

04/04/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 183

You deserved it 915

08/12/2010 11:47

Spicy

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 159

You deserved it 17 841

03/05/2012 16:32

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 654

You deserved it 3 804

30/12/2012 07:32

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 790

You deserved it 2 765

I miss the hungry years…

By Anonymous - 18/04/2017 12:00

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 327

10/08/2010 23:19

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 421

You deserved it 3 670

25/07/2015 10:10

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 343

You deserved it 23 019

Once you see it…

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 16:02

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 310

You deserved it 278

The Hulk

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 295

14/06/2014 10:11

Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 647

You deserved it 5 603

16/01/2017 17:07

Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 102

You deserved it 675

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

Why would he care?

UpsidedownKayak 9

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:22

OP, he delivers pizza to you, I don't know how often, but he does. He knows you always order a single pizza and that there is no one there with you. Sorry, but you aren't fooling him but you might get him inside to deliver his tip. Does this sound like the beginning of a porn movie to anyone else?

Comments

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

ydi

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:04

ydi for using make-up to cover up your fugliness.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:33

oh he already knows u don't have a life.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 22:37

she wanted to hump the pizza guy!

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

Why would he care?

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:36

we don't. but it's always nice to have some eye candy while working

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:25

Never mind why would he care, why would SHE care enough to put make-up on just to prove you have a life? Here's an idea; actually go get a life.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:38

insecurities for sure

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 8:21

Once I got a free pizza. Well, only because he brought me the wrong one. lol. OP, don't order another pizza. Get dolled up, get out and treat yourself! :)

zy135 1

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

How does shew deserve it? What if the pizza guy coulda been cute so she coulda gotten a date with him

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 7:14

The fact that she was ordering a whole pizza to eat alone makes you wonder about that...

onlywhenyourdrea 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 17:04

Its not like you can order half a Pizza. Besides, I doubt she was going to eat the whole Pizza at once.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

Aww. Well, I suppose he was cute? Maybe you could get a date with him and have a life.

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Thursday 20 January 2011 20:50

lol your cute

Aim4thebullseye 4

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Friday 6 May 2011 3:41

lol your creepy

IneffableLullaby 13

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

Instead of wishing you had a life, why don't you go out and get one? Pick up a new hobby that's fairly social. Problem solved.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:46

wow ... you are beautiful

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:17

I did the same thing but I turned up the volume and made it look like I had friends over

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:17

awe]:

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 8:01

Are you in awe of the op?

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:18

It's the pizza guy, he doesn't care about your looks and whether you have a life or not, he cares about your tip.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:18

and you know what? he probably did! mission accomplished. either that or he was hoping you'd seduce him. either way, your lying worked out for the better.

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:20

Hahaha, you think he really cares? He probably already hates job, he doesn't have time to think about whether you have a life or not.