Miscellaneous: Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that... - FML

By sunshine19217 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Bad timing

Weird reason, but OK

By anonymous - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Helsinki

Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By grossedout - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By thankzbabe - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By potassiumgirl - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

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By CoalRose - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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By toilet on the clock - China - Guangzhou

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Lyon

Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

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By bullah007 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

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By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Dad of the year

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

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By ThisIsAgony - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML

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By noooo - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2020 11:03 - Austria - Innsbruck

Still pining

Today, I had a meeting in the town where my ex-girlfriend works. After the meeting, I bought some ice cream and sat on a bench in a public place. She came across with her girlfriends laughing and obviously having fun. She only looked in my direction briefly. I threw the ice cream into the trash. FML

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By makdra

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

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By daqueen009 - 18/12/2020 17:04 - United States

Laundry Day

Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML

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By GoulashQueen - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By tariel

Today, I went to my favorite restaurant with my mother. The food took a little longer than usual to arrive and my mom threw a fit, complete with kicking and screaming, in the middle of the restaurant. My mom and I are both banned for life. FML

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By fuck yuo - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

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By Neckbruise101 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss berated me in front of 2 other coworkers about how unprofessional it was for me to show up to work with a clearly visible hickey. I had to explain to him that my "hickey" was actually a huge pimple that had bruised up after I popped it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

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By FirstKiss - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

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By izzie - Canada

Bad sex

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

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By Dying Son

Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was staring blankly into the void. FML

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By michellekel - France

Today, I went to the beach on the cote d'azur and the lifeguard told me that even though there were two jellyfish in the bay, it was safe to swim. Five minutes into swimming, I got stung twice. FML

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By prdept. - France

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy. It was going great until his 6-year-old brother walked in and screamed so loudly it brought both of his parents running. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 23:01

Between a rock and a not-so-hard place

Today, I found out that the pills my doctor prescribed for my ED cause severe side effects and I have to stop taking them. So much for my sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2021 08:01

Roommates from hell

Today, my brother and I were nearly made homeless by a good friend and roommate, because after repeatedly leading on my brother, and admitting she’s disrespected me all along, she and her boyfriend took off suddenly without a word of notice, leaving us to a house we can't afford alone. FML

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By AnonymousUser - Australia - Brisbane

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By kappaomicron - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

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By soontobesingle - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By snorlax - United States

Today, as I walked into my class, someone shouted at me, "Wild Snorlax Appeared! Use Your Ultra Balls!", since I am overweight and everyone in class laughed at me. I got made fun of by Pokémon nerds. FML

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Top comments

By PhillyFox | 0

#1983673 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

Why would he care?

By UpsidedownKayak | 9

#1983718 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:22

OP, he delivers pizza to you, I don't know how often, but he does. He knows you always order a single pizza and that there is no one there with you. Sorry, but you aren't fooling him but you might get him inside to deliver his tip.

Does this sound like the beginning of a porn movie to anyone else?

COMMENTS

By christa953 | 12

#1983671 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

ydi

Reply

ortega_fml | 0

#1983815 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:04

ydi for using make-up to cover up your fugliness.

Reply

Nadinek98 | 0

#1983845 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:33

oh he already knows u don't have a life.

Reply

ivanoff | 0

#1987006 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 22:37

she wanted to hump the pizza guy!

By PhillyFox | 0

#1983673 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:14

Why would he care?

Reply

KDubs2156 | 0

#1983773 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:36

we don't. but it's always nice to have some eye candy while working

Reply

iliketurdles | 7

#1983835 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:25

Never mind why would he care, why would SHE care enough to put make-up on just to prove you have a life?

Here's an idea; actually go get a life.

Reply

afdude87 | 6

#1983852 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:38

insecurities for sure

Reply

Alanah101 | 0

#1984368 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 8:21

Once I got a free pizza. Well, only because he brought me the wrong one. lol. OP, don't order another pizza. Get dolled up, get out and treat yourself! :)

By zy135 | 1

#1983675 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

How does shew deserve it? What if the pizza guy coulda been cute so she coulda gotten a date with him

Reply

il_bastardo | 0

#1984219 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 7:14

The fact that she was ordering a whole pizza to eat alone makes you wonder about that...

Reply

onlywhenyourdrea | 0

#1985863 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 17:04

Its not like you can order half a Pizza. Besides, I doubt she was going to eat the whole Pizza at once.

By Micayla | 12

#1983676 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

Aww. Well, I suppose he was cute? Maybe you could get a date with him and have a life.

Reply

MRGalaxc | 0

#1989939 - Thursday 20 January 2011 20:50

lol your cute

Reply

Aim4thebullseye | 4

#2465992 - Friday 6 May 2011 3:41

lol your creepy

By IneffableLullaby | 13

#1983683 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:15

Instead of wishing you had a life, why don't you go out and get one? Pick up a new hobby that's fairly social. Problem solved.

Reply

poptarter | 2

#1983862 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 2:46

wow ... you are beautiful

By mort1818 | 0

#1983692 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:17

I did the same thing but I turned up the volume and made it look like I had friends over

By sarabraun8 | 7

#1983696 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:17

awe]:

Reply

BogJuan | 5

#1984314 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 8:01

Are you in awe of the op?

By Doortje | 29

#1983701 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:18

It's the pizza guy, he doesn't care about your looks and whether you have a life or not, he cares about your tip.

By DncrHap | 9

#1983703 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:18

and you know what? he probably did! mission accomplished.

either that or he was hoping you'd seduce him. either way, your lying worked out for the better.

By mintcar | 9

#1983711 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 1:20

Hahaha, you think he really cares? He probably already hates job, he doesn't have time to think about whether you have a life or not.