By oh no - 18/4/2020 02:00

What Mötley Crüe call "Breakfast"

Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML

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1299

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Family values

Delusional

Work sucks, I know

By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

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24382

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By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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30276

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

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36610

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By Hreid254 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

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19947

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By Username

Today, a customer at the store I work at asked me what kind of cake I would suggest for her husband's 50th birthday. I laughed and showed her the Grim Reaper cake. She burst into tears and explained that he has cancer. FML

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16074

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By "sanza666"

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1810

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200

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By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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31281

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By honorstudent - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

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27130

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

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1532

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By NightHawk4926 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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24253

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By Anonymous - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

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22945

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

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33576

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It is the only test I've passed all month. FML

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35409

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51568

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By Calimero0 - 11/8/2020 17:02

Extreme phobias

Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML

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846

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By wnrz - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

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49732

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By CooBerry3851 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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33620

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By dancincherrychic - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was making sweet potato chips using my new slicer. I didn't mean to make a pinky finger chip as well. FML

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23851

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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5671

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, trying to be romantic, I started giving my boyfriend a neck massage. He gave me a weirded-out look, removed my hand, called me creep, and wouldn't let me touch him for the rest of the day. FML

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32058

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By Anonymous

Today, I nearly drowned. I was at a wave pool for the first time and stupidly swam out to the deep end. When the waves turned on, I discovered I can't swim in rough water. Despite my yelling, "Help!" and flailing around, the lifeguard paid me no attention. My friend had to save me. FML

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1856

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML

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4368

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML

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13054

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 17:01

Creepy idea, dude

Today, I finally found a way to lesser the loneliness in my life. During at least one work or school zoom meeting a day, I "pin" a random female attendee's screen. That way, I can pretend we're staring into each others eyes the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

385

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By micahmatt - United States

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

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By First World Problems - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

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24361

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By Anonymous - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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1497

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 10:58

Big boss man

Today, I have a doctor’s note confirming that I'm high risk for Covid and should only work from home. My boss still demands I come to the office, even though the only person I meet there is the guy who sterilizes the door handles. FML

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780

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By Tanny

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

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4589

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624

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By TordNorski - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I finally had a day off in two weeks and I was excited about getting to sleep in. At 5am, my mom came in and knocked loudly. When I asked her what she wanted, she said she was checking to see if I was asleep. FML

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13786

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By penpendesrapen - Philippines

Sink-dodger alert!

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30281

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By pickle

Ouch!

Today, I applied mascara directly onto my eyeball. FML

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1136

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509

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By luceeloo

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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11139

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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37843

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By banananana - Switzerland

Gag reflex

Today, my dentist applied a paste on my teeth to make them more resistant. It tasted so disgustingly like artificial banana that I had to throw up. I'm not allowed to brush my teeth, drink or eat for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1317

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By Sod's Law in action

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

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3879

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By sXeQueen - United States

Hush

Today, my boyfriend was having a really bad day, so I decided to call him and try to calm him down. At one point, I thought it would be sweet to sing him a song since he claimed to love my voice. Before I could get half way through, he told me to shut up because I was getting on his nerves and just making things worse. FML

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13244

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12239

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By Anonymous - Australia - Cambridge

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23432

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By adam - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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23023

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Top comments

By draghkar | 16

#7898601 - Saturday 18 April 2020 6:18

Only one bottle of tequila? She’s fine.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7898593 - Saturday 18 April 2020 4:40

Pfft... what a lightweight...

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7898593 - Saturday 18 April 2020 4:40

Pfft... what a lightweight...

By RichardPencil | 29

#7898596 - Saturday 18 April 2020 5:10

Is she "joking" about you or herself becoming an alcoholic?

By draghkar | 16

#7898601 - Saturday 18 April 2020 6:18

Only one bottle of tequila? She’s fine.

By slowhandjp | 16

#7898602 - Saturday 18 April 2020 6:19

If she drank all of them a day she might be an alcoholic.

By Gelene Johnston | 5

#7898608 - Saturday 18 April 2020 6:49

Keep an eye on the average consumption per day. It is so easy for it to become an addiction/for our bodies and brains to become physically addicted. A lot of people can drink heavily no problem and in these times I get why people are imbibing more often! But for some it definitely is a slippery slope. 5 months sober here. :)

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7898613 - Saturday 18 April 2020 7:36

I'm with her.

By tabby cat tidbit | 9

#7898681 - Saturday 18 April 2020 12:19

are you two from the south?

By icecreamisrad | 13

#7898962 - Sunday 19 April 2020 14:36

Haha she’s like 96% of the world doing the same thing...let her quarantine how she wants to😝

By buymevickis92 | 26

#7899006 - Sunday 19 April 2020 17:41

Our liquor stores are closed and the alcoholics around me are going insane. You can’t even go in to the closest states to get any. Lol I’m glad I’m only addicted to food and online shopping.

By altpoet1 | 4

#7900684 - Saturday 25 April 2020 22:52

Time to introduce her to anal.