Animals: Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said... - FML

By peepee. - 30/09/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 602

You deserved it 4 468

Walk the line

Dysfunctional

Hot hot hot

Harsh

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 15:30 - United States - Coraopolis

Today I opened my own flower shop. My mom's response was, "Get a job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 995

You deserved it 64

Y'all need him!

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 751

You deserved it 3 495

By Langdon - 15/05/2009 07:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the midnight premiere of Angels and Demons. A hobo wandered into the theater and sat down behind me. I paid $10 to spend two and a half hours listening to a crazy man talk to himself and kick my chair while he loudly masturbated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 627

You deserved it 9 576

By Anonymous - 25/01/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 227

You deserved it 4 343

By SonofMnemosyne - 19/11/2018 07:30 - United States

Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 483

You deserved it 289

Serial killer vibes

By D Flower - 18/09/2021 13:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making the bed, at 2 AM. And he wasn't so much making the bed as he was holding a pillow while lost in thought, looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 87

By howaboutno - 14/03/2013 09:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 374

You deserved it 8 656

It's called caring, OK?

By gan-1991 - 15/06/2020 23:01

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157

You deserved it 244

By NotABeatenWoman - 09/11/2015 00:36 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 124

You deserved it 2 348

Letting you know

By Anonymous - 18/02/2013 21:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply was, "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 493

You deserved it 46 391

By Anonymous - 27/01/2012 22:54 - France

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 734

You deserved it 3 386

Touched for the very first time

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 338

By Anonymous - 15/09/2016 00:35 - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 084

You deserved it 787

Possession

By Katelyn_Louise - 01/05/2021 10:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, someone left their drug bag on the table in the lounge at my place, probably a friend, and probably a mistake. The next minute the cops knock on the door and force their way in. Immediately the cop spots the drug bag and cuffs me. It wasn't even my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 760

By horsefuck - 07/08/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 434

You deserved it 6 829

By Annomymous - 23/01/2015 18:12 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 805

You deserved it 4 856

Follow instructions

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 257

You deserved it 10 938

By unluckycounsellor - 30/06/2009 23:26 - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 711

You deserved it 4 808

Kids are assholes to each other

By sphear880 - 21/05/2021 19:59

Today, I have discovered that my daughter is struggling with anorexia. When I sat down to talk with her about it, she said it’s because, "all the other kids at school keep calling her fat." She was underweight before, and has now gone to being severely underweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 52

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 12:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my sister recorded the sound of me having intense diarrhea, retching at the stench, and eventually breaking down in tears. I only found out when I saw she'd posted it online, with the caption "lol #gaytard #sorrynotsorry". I've never been called a pussy by so many people before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 933

You deserved it 3 976

By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 753

You deserved it 175

By NAT - 03/01/2016 16:15 - United States - Gaffney

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 303

You deserved it 2 227

By 16seconds - 08/02/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 859

You deserved it 33 109

Thanks, government

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 119

By Butterfly - 08/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, I warned my boss that I couldn't take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months (my son is ill). "Never mind" he said, "We'll just put a pot plant on your seat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 798

You deserved it 2 996

By tingles - 19/01/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 888

You deserved it 8 028

Oops...

By the other woman - 26/06/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 006

You deserved it 485

By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 376

You deserved it 3 332

That's hard

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 04:01

Spicy

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend presented me with his cock with a ribbon on it. Basically, HE wanted sex for MY birthday and had the nerve to accuse me of being ungrateful. For his birthday last month, I gave him multiple Xbox games. He couldn’t even be bothered to get me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 199

Not a sponsored post, honest

By Superwoman678 - 27/10/2020 05:01 - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. This brings me bad news and good news. The bad news, I'm a vegetarian. The good news, I finally know why I've been craving Big Macs for the last two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 748

Happy Feet

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 92

By tillybonkers - 26/09/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 063

You deserved it 277

By luvs2spooge89 - 01/05/2013 14:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 871

You deserved it 76 296

By Margo - 15/11/2011 15:16 - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 237

You deserved it 64 026

By Diana - 13/08/2010 01:06 - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 528

You deserved it 8 200

By Tea_baggins - 06/08/2013 04:01 - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 263

You deserved it 19 700

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 19:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 937

You deserved it 6 749

Where's the beef?

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 14:03

Today, I was supposed to be let the bull out of the trailer and head straight home. Someone didn't latch the gate, so it just walked through between pastures. The bull and a cow went through, a horse broke into the cow lot, and another horse had a meltdown and wiped out in mud after trying to jump the fence. I don't like beef cattle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 127

Mom knows shit

By Anonymous - 22/07/2020 17:01

Today, my mother-in-law decided my husband has COVID-19, read some debunked articles about how ibuprofen makes the symptoms worse, and scolded me for giving him ibuprofen for his muscle pain. I'm an actual medical doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 107

By traveling - 09/07/2013 11:18

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 899

You deserved it 6 391

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:18

This is obviously fake. Girls don't poop.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:20

YDI for looking like a cat, smelling like a cat, eating cat food, and for covering your poop after you relieve yourself.

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:15

I know. ;)

fyourlife1991 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:35

invite me over...3 some... very nice high five!

Marvin_Android 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:40

Sounds repulsive. I'll never understand an organism's need to eliminate waste so frequently. It seems like a horrible flaw in design; eliminate waste just to generate more to eliminate wast again very soon? That's analogous to the futility of anything else one undertakes in this great misery known as existence. Life. Don't talk to me about life.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:40

This is stupid. it's not an FML or funny.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:43

Thanks a lot, Marvin. I'm very sensitive about my litter box. >:(

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:44

Why the hell would a robot feel the need to threadjack? If that's what it's come to, then that seems like a horrible flaw in design.

garrettjordan 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:44

not really an FML :/

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:11

Dropping the browns off at the super bowl?? :)

uHazFailedTotall 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 11:03

I love you, Marvin.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 11:09

I bet it was a very heavy load. ;)

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 11:18

I love your hair !!

randomlettrrs 8

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 12:04

yes 72 my hair is nice. thank you.

ianbennett123 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 13:39

uhhh marvin....... WTF? I didn't understand a word you said.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 16:05

I agree with Pendatik. 102 is an idiot. I wonder how many times he read it to attempt to understand it.

Mars_Bars_Big_Na 0

Send a private message

Friday 1 October 2010 0:37

maybe because people have one voice?

Send a private message

Tuesday 17 May 2011 4:57

Hey can you tell me where the bathroom is I need to drop off some timber.Shelly: Maybe you need to be more mysterious. Hey do you know where the bathroom is I need to do something mysterious in there. Drop off some timber. I really hope somebody gets the house bunny reference.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:15

so? your talking about going to the bathroom..

Lukee 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:47

No he means her boyfriend speaks to her in this case about disposal of waste in the same voice he tells his cat to, I imagine in a high pitched silly voice, creepy.

mona_is_here 10

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:54

Her talking about going to the bathroom what?

McLovinBearJew 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 31 January 2012 0:42

Yeah I fail to see a problem here

Send a private message

Tuesday 6 November 2012 6:56

Talking to her like she is a pet*

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:17

how is that a fml?

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:08

don't know what u said but I agree cuz your so hot.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:09

Yo, this is not myspace. GTFO. -hiss-

FirstBornUnicorn 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:13

Cat fight.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:21

I didn't say anything wrong except question it being worthy of a fml, and they moderated me? apparently I was offensive.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:56

LOLOLOL

Send a private message

Friday 1 October 2010 6:05

47 would be perfect in a cat fight

Send a private message

Friday 1 October 2010 14:49

So would you

eternalsugarhigh 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:17

My wife actually loves when I do that to her, to each his own I guess...

fyourlife1990 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:17

sup

OwNowBrownCow 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:52

Your wife likes it when you tell her to take a dump?

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:17

lmfao that's hilarious!!

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:18

This is obviously fake. Girls don't poop.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:40

exactly !

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 13:17

that's what I keep saying!!

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 17:05

lmao

lovereadingfml 2

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:18

not really worth it to be put on fmylife, imo. lol.

batgirl_babygirl 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:19

and your point is....??

FirstBornUnicorn 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:01

Well she does look like she is on crack.

fyourlife1991 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:14

nice unibrow

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:15

^^ lmfao

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 12:30

ur ugly! #9 lol

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:20

YDI for looking like a cat, smelling like a cat, eating cat food, and for covering your poop after you relieve yourself.

randomlettrrs 8

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 12:06

isnt that how everyone else does it?

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:22

Everybody poops.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:27

Nuh uh!

fyourlife1991 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 9:44

want to 3 some?

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 10:38

no ! girls dont poop!

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

Send a private message

Thursday 30 September 2010 19:54

Whenever I read the phrase "Everybody poops," I imagine it being sung to the tune of REM's "Everybody Hurts." "So hold on... hold on..."

Send a private message

Monday 12 December 2011 4:19

Not girls....now, everybody knows that!

Send a private message

Tuesday 6 November 2012 6:59

But i read on the Internet that girls don't poop, and the Internet never lies....right?

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 55

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 41