Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Today, I put my perfectly-broiled steak portion in the microwave to keep it from the cats while it rested. I accidentally hit "cook" instead of "timer". My perfect rare steak is now almost perfectly half-leather and half-charcoal. FML
Today, my in-laws were visiting from Texas, so I made a brisket, smoked for 10 hours on the barbecue, and it was perfect. Alas, when my husband cut the meat, he burst a perfectly cooked cyst the size of a lemon that stank the whole house out. FML
Today, my husband and I cooked our first dinner of the year, some grilled steak. The moment we turned our backs to put out the fire, the dog snatched half of it. FML
Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "Fuck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML
Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML
Today, I fed my husband a vegan beef burger so I could show him that it tastes exactly the same when he didn’t notice. He noticed on the first bite and spat it across the kitchen because he thought the meat had expired before I cooked it, and tasted disgusting. FML
Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML
Today, my family dragged me to a steakhouse, knowing full well I'm vegan. I sat there, with my sad little salad, watching as they stuffed themselves with burned animal flesh and laughed at me. They wonder why I hate them all. FML
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Top comments
wizardcorn04 14
Is your dad Gordon Ramsey by any chance?
chaseafterwind82 29
Lol! Ride it back into the kitchen and finish cooking it!
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Comments (86)
Adamjohn82 19
Could you still see the marks where the jockey was hitting it?
False_Stupidity 42
Umm. Jockeys don't normally hit cows...
nitrog100 21
It's a common statement used to criticize steaks that are cooked too rare. 'You can still see the marks where the jockey was hitting it' is pretty mainstream.
holdaloverclose 14
There should be an "at least you tried" button.
2013bchan41 20
IT'S RAAAW! Hehe don't worry I'm an aspiring chef, and I'm known to make my steaks a little on the rare side. It comes with practice OP.
Krwman 8
Your family really has this feedback thing down.
WhatHappenedToIt 22
Mm that sounds yummy.
Gunguy 11
Bloody, just the way I like it.
paramor3 23
I'll take still kickin over charcoal any day!
StrugsNotDrugs 19
One time my dad made steaks and they were super rare, and his friend was making jokes about how it was so rare you could hear it mooing, and then right after my friend had gotten a text and the way it had vibrated it sounded like it was making a "meuuuuu" noise. It was a weird coincidence. (Sorry for long comment)
westcody 8
Sounds like a perfect steak to me
dragoongirl90 34
Your dad is a dick. That's the best way to have steak!