Miscellaneous: Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it... - FML

By ripped - Canada

Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML

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Leave us alone

Wrong place, wrong time

Help!

By kdgirl - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By Female - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By ekoblick - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

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By alexander - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

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By tryena - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

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By [email protected] - France

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

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By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By need new job - Germany

Today, I was hired as a student assistant. I was excited, until I learned on my very first day that "Supporting the academic staff in their research" actually meant walking the professor's dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, my former high school bully became my manager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By Benchlover - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By a816090

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Today, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if when I feel an emotion if it's me or my disorder. I'm my brain's bitch. FML

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By Elmoo - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

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By BOHICA123 - United States - Brighton

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for 6 hours. FML

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By S4L - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By bringthemback - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

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By Brandon Butler

Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By cjay2200 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By kiwibox - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML

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By Angelofkarma - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By oops.

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

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By epicfail - United States

Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

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By thanks.

Today, my girlfriend of over a year woke me up at 4:30 in the morning by sticking her hand down my pants. She immediately stopped when I was awake enough to reciprocate and said, "I couldn't sleep. I was bored. Talk to me." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By onthetoilet - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 02:00

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Today, I dumped my girlfriend because she frequently wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls, and not call or message back for days. I felt that bringing it up made me a control freak. I couldn't take it anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 02:00

Honest day's work

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after finding out that I opened an Onlyfans account. FML

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By tkr - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 22:01 - United States - Baton Rouge

Taking stock

Today, back in 2018, I had money and a six pack; in 2019 I couldn’t walk and had to have a back surgery; in 2020 I lost over $650,000 and gained over 40 pounds. Now, in 2021 I'm surviving and stress-eating trying not to lose everything I worked for. Fuck, I miss being a kid. FML

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By gorgeousgirl - United States

Today, I was called gorgeous for the first time in 4 years. By a robot. A female robot. Who was trying to sell me cosmetics. FML

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Top comments

By bravesman1983 | 0

#102138 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:08

I don't have much sympathy for people who wear $80 pants.

By akeep5 | 0

#102144 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

if you could afford $80 jeans, then you shouldnt have to pick up a dime off the dirty street. YDI

COMMENTS

By 1Tsk | 0

#102108 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:02

hahaha that sucks!

Reply

yuop77 | 0

#1009719 - Friday 28 May 2010 3:04

haha thats wat ya get for being jewish lol jk

By 1Tsk | 0

#102109 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:02

hahaha that sucks!

By TidusBlade | 0

#102115 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:03

Wow lol, and that's why I hate tight pants xD Guessing it was a pear of jeans...

Reply

whatchutalkinbou | 0

#976128 - Thursday 8 April 2010 4:05

I don't think it was a fruit...

Reply

moi101 | 0

#1239821 - Saturday 14 August 2010 8:28

aaaa. fat rich man!!!

By xiloveyoux3 | 0

#102120 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:04

Maybe you should get baggier jeans? Or maybe you just got fat...

Reply

thyaftermath | 0

#329505 - Monday 22 June 2009 9:53

yeah
cuz if ur a dude that wears pants SO tight that they rip when you bend, you deserved it.
if ur

By freaky922 | 0

#102131 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:06

So what did you buy with the dime?

By victimofchanges | 0

#102137 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:08

If your ass was large enough to cause such a catastrophe then you deserved it. Because obviously you are wearing pants that are too tight and no one likes fatties in skintight clothing. It shows your rolls.

By bravesman1983 | 0

#102138 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:08

I don't have much sympathy for people who wear $80 pants.

By akeep5 | 0

#102144 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

if you could afford $80 jeans, then you shouldnt have to pick up a dime off the dirty street. YDI

By thatsortasucks2 | 0

#102146 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:10

$80 pants? really? nice to see that you know how to spend your money dumbass

By notmuch | 0

#102149 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:10

If you spend $80 on pants, make sure they're good quality.