Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet...

By Sack - 10/11/2011 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Billy no-mates

Boozehound alert

By CathyM - 27/9/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

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By Hollerz90 - 2/4/2020 23:00

Red Right Hand

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

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By drew - 7/9/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

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By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/3/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

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By Why - 29/1/2016 22:53

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By nobleach - 2/7/2009 14:05 - United States

Today, I decided I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

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By shushingmoon - 18/9/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

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By WetWalking - 21/3/2013 13:31 - United States - Tyler

Today, I was walking by the side of the interstate because my car broke down. A nice young man stopped and asked if I was tired of walking. I said yes, to which he replied, "Try jogging asshole" then laughed and drove off. It was raining balls. FML

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By ThatOneGuy - 28/4/2019 16:00

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 20:00

It's mine now

Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML

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By sadface - 18/8/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

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By cartrouble - 2/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

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By BossesLittleBrat - 25/9/2016 12:47 - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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By jackzz - 9/4/2015 07:55 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

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By Fuckup - 5/8/2013 18:09 - United States - Naples

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

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By Whyis Dremora - 30/9/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 16:17 - United Kingdom - Uddingston

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

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By MrZhang - 23/6/2009 03:34 - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By notapedobear - 13/1/2011 08:21

Today, I was in a shopping centre when a little girl was running up and down the aisles. She started to fall over so I put my hand out to catch her. Her mother then ran up to me and screamed about me 'touching her child' so loud that everyone could hear. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2014 04:49 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my future mother-in-law. All went well; she complimented my dress, and I complimented her haircut. Then she and her son had a screaming match over how our children will be fat because of their mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2016 10:12 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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By unknown - 26/2/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 17:00

He'll understand when he's older

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

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By ash - 25/8/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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By marymark - 13/4/2012 01:02 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Anonyme - 9/7/2011 00:11 - France

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

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By -_- - 21/9/2017 16:00

Google Maps strikes again!

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

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By Olz - 22/1/2019 14:00

Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 22:15

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 03:22 - United States - Detroit

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

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By samgonzalessb - 14/12/2009 17:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

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By 3firedepos - 15/6/2020 05:06

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

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By Karma - 21/4/2015 16:45 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States

Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML

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Top comments

By Mr_Alarm | 12

#3568649 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:11

That sounds like a shi- *gets shot*

By Lemuel_fml | 5

#3568652 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:12

I wonder how the toilet seat broke in the first place...

COMMENTS

By chrissi3vintage | 0

#3568645 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:10

Flashlight time!

fanceh | 10

#3569397 - Thursday 10 November 2011 17:10

Why would you use the toilet if you knew the seat was broken...?

xmayne | 0

#3569460 - Thursday 10 November 2011 17:45

Showering in the dark is fun.

leogirl95 | 12

#3569482 - Thursday 10 November 2011 18:01

Nothing is going right for you today is it? Lol

Keyman1212 | 14

#3569543 - Thursday 10 November 2011 18:31

Showering in the dark is as scary as seeing your obese parents pound rolls of fat together in an attempt to make love. It's like two beached whales fighting for their lives.

Gtfo_Troll | 0

#3569823 - Thursday 10 November 2011 20:44

Be happy OP, now nobody can see what you really do in the shower.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3569918 - Thursday 10 November 2011 21:24

33- I'd be worried about sharks...

StephanieeeQ | 6

#3570547 - Friday 11 November 2011 1:54

Showering in the dark isn't a bad thing. ;D

By MuchDance90s | 0

#3568647 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:11

Plumber. Electrician. That's a very expensive "Free" camping experience. How fun for you! :-(

Jdimp | 1

#3570526 - Friday 11 November 2011 1:34

ehh not that bad. just check around before u get in that shower... something may be behind you

By Mr_Alarm | 12

#3568649 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:11

That sounds like a shi- *gets shot*

leadman1989 | 15

#3570323 - Thursday 10 November 2011 23:25

Who dunnit? *looks around accusingly

Spoonz | 4

#3570351 - Thursday 10 November 2011 23:37

*points toward a guy wearing a scream mask*

By kona314 | 1

#3568651 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:12

That's shitty

Lemuel_fml | 5

#3568693 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:18

Already used a post above you lol

Torva_fml | 16

#3569938 - Thursday 10 November 2011 21:28

That's..... Not creative.

By Lemuel_fml | 5

#3568652 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:12

I wonder how the toilet seat broke in the first place...

cptmorgan6 | 8

#3569386 - Thursday 10 November 2011 17:07

Explosive diarrhea :O

clumsychik | 1

#3570125 - Thursday 10 November 2011 22:52

He was shitting lead logs again.

AshleighNason | 24

#3570488 - Friday 11 November 2011 1:02

it was the pixies

rogo35 | 0

#3570885 - Friday 11 November 2011 4:28

Cause they are to fat.

rastafunk | 0

#3574002 - Saturday 12 November 2011 1:00

65- are you fucking 9?

By FYLDeep | 25

#3568655 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:12

Preventative Maintenance OP. I bet that seat was wobbly for the longest time and you never took action on it. Now you know what happens.

thatsphuckedsoba | 0

#3570828 - Friday 11 November 2011 4:13

It was nroke al ready

By Sebastian_NG | 17

#3568659 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:13

If the toilet sit just slid off put it back again, I once did it when I was like 6 years old

By donnydrivetime | 5

#3568674 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:15

You sound like a fat peice of sh*t and you have to be an idiot. Dumbass.

Lemuel_fml | 5

#3568703 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:20

We're not talking about you or your mom here. We are talking about the OP.

By Blueglasscup | 18

#3568695 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:19

This is like 3 FMLs in one... Fuck your life OP.

By melissaxo3 | 1

#3568700 - Thursday 10 November 2011 16:20

meet your new best friend: Candles.