Work: Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

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Work

Sorry…

Walk on the wild side

Dangling modifier

By whatislife1969

Baby don't hurt me...

Today, my friends got me a cake for my birthday. As I blew out the candles, they shoved my head into it and I was knocked out for 3 minutes before an ambulance took me to the hospital. I got a concussion from a cake. FML

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By itwaswarm - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

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26442

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By Rightswiper - South Africa

Trolled by technology

Today, as soon as I put my card into an ATM, the words "Out of Order" popped up and it would not return my card. Since I was at the bank, I got a free replacement. Trying to draw money again the second machine did the same thing and a third card costs more than what I have in my account. FML

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4499

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By Masonlee89 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

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By gbabyy - United States

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 04:59

Nostalgia goggles

Today, I found out my ex broke up with me after 3 years because he's still in love with his ex, who he hasn't spoken to in 6 years. And she dumped him for the same reason. FML

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714

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By carssuck - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

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By ivannooze - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

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By unbelievable

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By melissa1028 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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By Ah - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

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By alone in ND

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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2098

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By mauimango7 - United States

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

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By kerry - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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9484

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By Lennyr - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

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14422

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By anon - United States

Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

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40515

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By fmylifebigtime - United States

Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML

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45412

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By Carlah

Deception

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

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1981

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By duckthehack - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

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42879

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By Welcome to Florida

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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By bummed - United States - Cresson

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

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38096

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By Zibby

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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10447

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By wilsmith - China

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

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14524

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By makinascene - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because I was sick. The male nurse led me back and when he weighed me, he said "Why do I get all the beefy girls today?". FML

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39525

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By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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14606

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By Ugh - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

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32745

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By djoe - Australia

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

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By zaynemaliksvagina - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML

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30297

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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36917

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

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4728

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

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28367

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By RuasaLove - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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30306

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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34870

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By noononononono - United States - Sacramento

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

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23100

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By katharine - United States

Lesson learned

Today, I was daydreaming in bed when my phone rang from across the room. I scrambled out of my covers, tripped over a pair of boots I had by the bed, and slipped on some jeans laying on the floor. Luckily, I answered my phone in time, but only to have my mom tell me to clean my room before she got home. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West Hoxton

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

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13101

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By movingout - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

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By MoveOn!

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

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4096

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Top comments

By KeannaLove | 32

#4451595 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:28

He was just marking his territory.

By hapetreefriend | 1

#4451597 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:28

Ewwwww

COMMENTS

By sandracore | 15

#4451592 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:28

ball sweat?

a_purple_orange | 4

#4451650 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:35

No, the pressure of being in the boss' chair gave OP too much pressure to handle.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4451654 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:36

Ass sweat.

I_heart_sex | 1

#4451758 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:57

Swamp butt!

raraisbang | 12

#4451849 - Friday 18 May 2012 17:34

But what if it's not sweat at all...

Boss man not make it to the bathroom? Shame on him!

NeDaroft | 5

#4451930 - Friday 18 May 2012 18:08

Anal Leakage.

xblair | 11

#4452403 - Friday 18 May 2012 19:59

^ disgusting much?

RedPillSucks | 31

#4452471 - Friday 18 May 2012 20:22

Jizz on the chair!
Jizz on the chair!

Looking like a fool
with that jizz on the chair!

AlkaliSam | 6

#4453427 - Saturday 19 May 2012 0:38

Sounds like the boss suffers from SWAS: Sweaty Ass Syndrome

Edwinadii | 4

#4455367 - Saturday 19 May 2012 12:35

Thats just "Sas" lol fail overload...

By KeannaLove | 32

#4451595 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:28

He was just marking his territory.

a_purple_orange | 4

#4452014 - Friday 18 May 2012 18:32

On the chair, or did he know OP would sit there?

stud68Camaro | 0

#4455131 - Saturday 19 May 2012 7:16

What's up

By hapetreefriend | 1

#4451597 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:28

Ewwwww

iLickRainbows | 2

#4451740 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:55

I'm not sure why this comment is being thumbed down. Not much more is needed to be said. "Eewwwww" sums this up perfectly.

hiitisbrooke | 26

#4454385 - Saturday 19 May 2012 2:27

It was the chair crying.

By dsbs | 9

#4451599 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:28

Hmm do you like fish sticks?

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4451621 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:31

No!

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#4452276 - Friday 18 May 2012 19:31

What does this have to do with anything?

Jumpingmal2 | 7

#4452759 - Friday 18 May 2012 21:56

Does that comment make sense to anyone?!?

daminantion | 14

#4453200 - Friday 18 May 2012 23:42

"Look, it's Tom Cruise packing fudge!"

LO388 | 7

#4453261 - Friday 18 May 2012 23:51

90 - "Daaad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet... now John Travolta is in there too."

kathbutter | 12

#5185287 - Monday 26 November 2012 0:43

I'm not a gay fish!

By Xquisite1 | 28

#4451600 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:29

Butt crack sweat perhaps?

By StanSmith_fml | 9

#4451608 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:30

Was it cause you were excited or does your boss have huge sweaty kahunas.

dougierocks | 11

#4451728 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:52

That's cajones...

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4453193 - Friday 18 May 2012 23:41

That's cojones.

StanSmith_fml | 9

#4457263 - Sunday 20 May 2012 1:18

89 is there an echo in here? I got it.

wowthatissad | 9

#4499068 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 13:52

It's actually cajones... Haha jk that made me lol

By smydiwannafthata | 5

#4451610 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:30

Ewwww. Ewwwww.ewwwww. Ewwwww.

SliceOfCake | 9

#4452520 - Friday 18 May 2012 20:37

You forgot one last "Ew."

By 1crabbygirl | 10

#4451616 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:31

Girls sweat up a bed, guys sweat up a chair. Got it. I am learning so much this week. Thanks, OP, and thanks Jena Dunham.

By ddeathbombb | 5

#4451617 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:31

Sometimes a man can't make it in time

By ohrlly7457 | 7

#4451619 - Friday 18 May 2012 16:31

Your in his territory.

therealslim | 15

#4451974 - Friday 18 May 2012 18:24

You're. YOU ARE

warsun | 27

#5891807 - Friday 21 March 2014 13:37

People don't even try