Work: Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 1 254

09/03/2016 02:48

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 471

You deserved it 2 261

Work

Mama's boy

Empathy lives

Paranoia

23/05/2009 20:20

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 391

You deserved it 3 749

Slight overreaction?

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 07:37

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 109

You deserved it 235

09/12/2009 21:05

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 581

You deserved it 6 294

Great story, tell it again!

By BrianTheLion89 - 06/06/2012 21:37

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 499

You deserved it 3 726

21/03/2014 11:09

Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 231

You deserved it 9 002

Good morning!

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 09:00

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 734

You deserved it 175

26/01/2017 08:30

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 524

You deserved it 1 540

19/02/2009 15:48

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 644

You deserved it 5 719

10/07/2014 05:27

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 024

You deserved it 4 467

15/05/2014 17:08

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 338

You deserved it 4 790

31/03/2014 21:03

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 799

You deserved it 7 774

03/05/2011 19:51

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 200

You deserved it 34 366

30/06/2017 15:34

Today, it seems that getting an apartment with a couple was a bad idea. They agree on everything, so my opinion never seems to matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 028

You deserved it 883

17/05/2015 16:08

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 528

You deserved it 3 172

Soon…

By Anonymous - 03/05/2021 17:01

Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 257

02/07/2011 05:33

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 552

You deserved it 4 724

18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 1 741

Don't you want me, baby?

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 00:01

Today, it's been 10 months of a sexless marriage. Also my 10-month wedding anniversary. We waited until marriage, and she hasn't wanted me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 368

You deserved it 240

24/01/2016 00:08

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 043

You deserved it 2 023

18/07/2009 17:15

Today, my mom gave me a talk on safe sex. During a three hour car ride. With my friends in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 931

You deserved it 3 870

20/02/2011 08:15

Today, while trying on bras in the changing room, I wanted to see what my friend's bra looked like on her. Not wishing to leave my changing room in my underwear, I wriggled under her door. When I got through, my bra had come nearly all the way down and when I tried getting back, I got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 429

You deserved it 45 637

22/08/2014 06:02

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 791

You deserved it 4 016

24/09/2012 02:26

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 505

You deserved it 1 555

24/02/2010 12:58

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 618

You deserved it 3 210

15/01/2010 08:49

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 992

You deserved it 2 993

25/11/2016 08:43

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 161

You deserved it 1 021

16/04/2016 04:13

Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 915

You deserved it 1 385

20/09/2018 05:00

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 318

06/04/2016 18:18

Today, I fell asleep while taking a dump. At work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 926

You deserved it 4 799

03/01/2012 19:44

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 012

You deserved it 8 291

13/11/2008 02:46

Today, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend who is going out with someone else. But at least I now know that he's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 570

You deserved it 4 343

20/10/2009 06:51

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 061

You deserved it 71 880

26/02/2016 20:22

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 034

You deserved it 1 368

30/04/2009 17:41

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 126

You deserved it 95 354

04/02/2015 03:39

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 709

You deserved it 2 810

07/12/2010 19:12

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 922

You deserved it 2 853

No justice

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 20:01

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 122

06/12/2009 14:03

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 704

You deserved it 4 002

20/06/2009 07:37

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 428

You deserved it 4 920

23/12/2017 01:30

Today, after 25 years living with my dad, who is highly allergic to cats, I was finally able to adopt two kittens to live in my new place, just like I have always wanted. Guess who else is highly allergic to cats? Me, it seems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 436

You deserved it 955

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Top comments

trellz17 19

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:04

That's one of my worst fears, I hope not too many people noticed.

mld4657 28

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

well shit.. oh you already did..

Comments

HrothgarXII 21

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:01

Ooooh no And eeeeew no

madgodvw 7

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:02

Heh, u peed urself

trellz17 19

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

He wishes he did.

Kieranr10 23

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:02

Look on the bright side, at least your not injured.

v4valour 15

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:04

Tell his confidence that

freyday 18

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:02

Oh my gosh, that's so shitty

v4valour 15

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

Are you a musician? Because it seems you hit the brown note

mld4657 28

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

well shit.. oh you already did..

Swandive235 27

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

Stop the puns everyone, and that must've sucked big time. I hope you didn't make a huge deal out of it, and few people noticed.

hacksaw246 24

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

You just had to go there didn't you?

trellz17 19

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:04

That's one of my worst fears, I hope not too many people noticed.

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:06

What have you done! These puns have been forbidden by the prophets, you have surely doomed us all!