Work: Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's...

By shart - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

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Work

Instadrama

Boom, headshot

Munchausen by proxy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

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By NoRespect - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

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By nopleasestopmother - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

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By murphyslaw948

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By drebel - United States

Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML

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By seminole711 - United States

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for 20 minutes because of a football game. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By szechuansauce

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home and stopped at a light. A cute guy in the truck ahead of me waved me forward and told me to roll down my window. It was the first time a cute guy had talked to me in a while so I was pretty excited. He told me to turn my lights on. FML

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By ishoweredincorpsewater

Today, our hot water tank got replaced because all our hot water had been smelling old and musty for a month now. There was a dead seagull in the tank. FML

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By Rizzle - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

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By jjkk - 23/1/2021 05:02

Good night, sleep tight

Today, I have been trying to stop sleeping during the day, so I decided to clean my room to keep myself awake. Four hours later, I woke up on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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By hatboxghost - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very traditional parents told me that I should start a savings account for my marriage. I told them that I wouldn't get married until much later because I don't even have a boyfriend yet. They said, "Don't worry we already found a boy for you." FML

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By queenbee12345678 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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By Drunkactor - United States

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

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By royalscenery - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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By Wisconsin love - United States

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

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By Sunshinenwhiskey - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML

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By neighbour hell - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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By minimazing

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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By CallmeTokey

Today, as I was laying on the bottom part of my bunk bed, I noticed a beam on the underside of the top bunk that seemed to have no place being there, so I tried to find out what it was. I soon discovered it was to support the bed after it promptly collapsed on me. FML

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By crinitis - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By heartattack

Today, after I moved into my new 1930's house, my elderly rescue dog raised her hackles and stared at the wall behind my bed for two full minutes. I thought she might have recognized something from her old job. She's a retired cadaver dog. I guess I'm never sleeping, again. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 05:01

Rookie mistake

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

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By Fatlady43 - United States

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

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By sen - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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By deardaughter - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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By pistonchamp159 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

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By dancincherrychic - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was making sweet potato chips using my new slicer. I didn't mean to make a pinky finger chip as well. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By life insurance for 1 - United States - Encino

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

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Top comments

By trellz17 | 19

#6555537 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:04

That's one of my worst fears, I hope not too many people noticed.

By mld4657 | 28

#6555533 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

well shit.. oh you already did..

COMMENTS

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6555525 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:01

Ooooh no
And eeeeew no

By madgodvw | 7

#6555527 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:02

Heh, u peed urself

trellz17 | 19

#6555532 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

He wishes he did.

By Kieranr10 | 23

#6555528 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:02

Look on the bright side, at least your not injured.

v4valour | 15

#6555538 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:04

Tell his confidence that

By freyday | 18

#6555529 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:02

Oh my gosh, that's so shitty

By v4valour | 15

#6555531 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

Are you a musician? Because it seems you hit the brown note

By mld4657 | 28

#6555533 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

well shit.. oh you already did..

By Swandive235 | 27

#6555534 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

Stop the puns everyone, and that must've sucked big time. I hope you didn't make a huge deal out of it, and few people noticed.

By hacksaw246 | 24

#6555535 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:03

You just had to go there didn't you?

By trellz17 | 19

#6555537 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:04

That's one of my worst fears, I hope not too many people noticed.

By Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6555540 - Wednesday 9 March 2016 18:06

What have you done! These puns have been forbidden by the prophets, you have surely doomed us all!