Valentine's slay, Broken and Health: Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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2933

Late term

Thanks, Shep

Mom of the year

By S. Bauer - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

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By no action Jackson - 27/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Hesperia

What a wanker

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating. I thought it was hot and asked if I could join in. He threw me a disgusted look and screamed that I’d ruined the whole mood. Now we’re both unsatisfied. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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31165

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By ColdMN - United States

Today, I trying to scrape the ice off my car, but wasn't having much luck. Frustrated, I kicked a clump off from the bumper. The clump didn't budge, but the entire front quarter panel fell off. FML

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By sayno - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

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By Austin Franklin - United States

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

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By sadmother - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

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By booboo300

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

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By Js2cool - United States - Fitchburg

Today, I went to clean my cat's litter box, not realizing she was in it. As I lifted the top half of the litter box up, she sprayed me with piss. FML

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By Greymoya - United States

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By tired waitress - United States

Today, I'm a waitress. A customer came in and acted very kindly and even mentioned how I was such a help to her. She also mentioned leaving a nice tip. The tip? A fake $20. Thanks. FML

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By FFS

Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML

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By xxxchelsiexxx - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my two friends. My hair was hanging over my upper lip, making it look like I had a big mustache. "Hey, look guys!" I said. "I have a mustache!" "I know," they both said without looking. I'm a girl. FML

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By englishtrio - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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75080

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

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By ohno - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML

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By Nucleus - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By theynamedmeluke - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

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By FlyingFist - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By Joey

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

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2579

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By Yudansha - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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22589

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By crippy - United States

Today, I came home from a knee surgery. I asked my mother to get me a glass of water. She replied, "You can get it, you're not crippled. Oh wait, yeah you are" and laughed hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

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By Acidic Donut - United States - Brookfield

Today, I hid my parents' booze since I'd always thought their shitty behavior was due to drinking too much. Turns out they're just assholes. FML

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By B - United States

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

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38335

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By Anonymous - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

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27560

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By obnum - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I went to a concert. They had this feature where you could send a picture of something from your cell phone and they'd put it on the big screens, so I sent a picture of myself in. When the picture came up on the screens, the entire crowd of about 4,000 people went, "Ewwww!" FML

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By NotAThief

Swiper No Swiping!

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

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4896

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By no paedo - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

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19860

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a poop in the background. FML

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By 123literateABC - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

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By yif2 - United States

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2085297 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

I got the magic in me. Every time I sneeze, I shit violently. Magic, magic, magiiic. Magic, magic, magiiic.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2085336 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:21

Darling, if it was coming from both ends, it was probably food poisoning.

Don't quote me on that though, I'm just speaking from experience.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2085297 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

I got the magic in me. Every time I sneeze, I shit violently. Magic, magic, magiiic. Magic, magic, magiiic.

marmlr339 | 14

#2085522 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:39

fuck up ^^

BWill9014 | 4

#2085690 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 14:53

I lol'd

ilovesexywomen | 0

#2085829 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 15:53

ahaha (x clever.

pingpongz | 1

#2085939 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 16:21

lolololol

newjerseyguy | 0

#2086483 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 21:19

lol

tattortotamus | 0

#2089756 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 16:42

haha awesome,

TheEpicPies | 15

#4522021 - Monday 4 June 2012 18:52

Ahahah!

By Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2085299 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

Now that's love!

quitcher wenging

By sunnysurfchick | 0

#2085320 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:17

sorry, that is FML hopefully you feel better soon.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2085336 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:21

Darling, if it was coming from both ends, it was probably food poisoning.

Don't quote me on that though, I'm just speaking from experience.

By Tyrone78G | 3

#2085369 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:26

you should have tried a cough/fart...

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2085411 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:44

FYL for the diarrhea but I'm kind of hesitant to feel bad for you missing a fake holiday...

By Jimboom | 11

#2085415 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:45

Nahh. I don't believe you. You're full of shit.

kibbleskid911 | 0

#2086512 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 21:27

^ win

By RavenRacing | 3

#2085435 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:57

so would you say you had a shitty day? X-D

By MzKylz | 0

#2085487 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:17

as the old saying goes.. "never trust a fart"

SulfurPlague | 0

#2088316 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 7:06

Never trust a fart, and never pass a bathroom xD

By Jonah171 | 12

#2085507 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:25

Hahaha! ;D