Valentine's slay, Broken and Health: Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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2931

Rock, hard place

White line fever

Munchausen by proxy

By garfield749 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she believes I "jinxed" her chances of getting the job she wanted. FML

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By soprahb - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By collegestudent

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

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By daniella101 - United States - Lacombe

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

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By hellostupid - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By ohdear - United Kingdom

Time flies by

Today, my husband and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. It's also the 5th anniversary of the last time he made me orgasm. FML

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By CheddarJack89 - United States - Manchester

Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML

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By Tanner - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By hnickell93 - United States - Visalia

Today, I was consoling my drunk husband as he violently emptied his stomach contents into our toilet. One particular retch made me nauseous, and I vomited all down his back, causing him to turn his head and vomit all over the wall. I got to clean it all up. FML

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By rawr_fml001 - Canada - Brampton

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML

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By Mustang - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By LifeFucksUsAll - Canada

Today, I was on a date with a guy, we were sitting in a restaurant having a fairly good conversation, when I had to go to the washroom. I left the table and when I came back, he was gone. Along with my wallet and car keys. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

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By iDontLikeMySiblingsThatMuch

Today, my husband of 10 years decided only after I told him I wanted a divorce that his niece is also his daughter. FML

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2929

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By smokin - United States

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By tamponmayhem - Canada

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By gotta love my momma - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By skinnyguy23 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I grounded my son after finding out that he's been bullying other kids at school. He got mad and screamed at me, calling me a "bastard". Instead of defending me, my wife got pissed and accused me of having taught our son to swear like that. I can never win. FML

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By djteller - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

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By astroloser - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By LilShawty2000 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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By badluckryan - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I received a drunken prank call from a girl I didn't know around 1am. I don't know what's sadder, that I carried out the conversation for 30 minutes, or that this was the first girl to call me in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

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By Sandra - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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By HassledAirfarer - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an inconsiderate selfish bitch. FML

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By x.x - United States - Tampa

Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML

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By Mintilou - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

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By justkillm3 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By webperson04 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By hunter168647 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

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By waste of effort - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2085297 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

I got the magic in me. Every time I sneeze, I shit violently. Magic, magic, magiiic. Magic, magic, magiiic.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2085336 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:21

Darling, if it was coming from both ends, it was probably food poisoning.

Don't quote me on that though, I'm just speaking from experience.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2085297 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

I got the magic in me. Every time I sneeze, I shit violently. Magic, magic, magiiic. Magic, magic, magiiic.

marmlr339 | 14

#2085522 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:39

fuck up ^^

BWill9014 | 4

#2085690 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 14:53

I lol'd

ilovesexywomen | 0

#2085829 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 15:53

ahaha (x clever.

pingpongz | 1

#2085939 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 16:21

lolololol

newjerseyguy | 0

#2086483 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 21:19

lol

tattortotamus | 0

#2089756 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 16:42

haha awesome,

TheEpicPies | 15

#4522021 - Monday 4 June 2012 18:52

Ahahah!

By Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2085299 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

Now that's love!

quitcher wenging

By sunnysurfchick | 0

#2085320 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:17

sorry, that is FML hopefully you feel better soon.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2085336 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:21

Darling, if it was coming from both ends, it was probably food poisoning.

Don't quote me on that though, I'm just speaking from experience.

By Tyrone78G | 3

#2085369 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:26

you should have tried a cough/fart...

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2085411 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:44

FYL for the diarrhea but I'm kind of hesitant to feel bad for you missing a fake holiday...

By Jimboom | 11

#2085415 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:45

Nahh. I don't believe you. You're full of shit.

kibbleskid911 | 0

#2086512 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 21:27

^ win

By RavenRacing | 3

#2085435 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:57

so would you say you had a shitty day? X-D

By MzKylz | 0

#2085487 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:17

as the old saying goes.. "never trust a fart"

SulfurPlague | 0

#2088316 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 7:06

Never trust a fart, and never pass a bathroom xD

By Jonah171 | 12

#2085507 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:25

Hahaha! ;D