Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off,...

By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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Territorial pissings

By grannysmack - 11/7/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said that we can "maybe have sleepovers" at his house when he FINALLY moves out. He's 24, and we've been dating for 6 years. FML

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By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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By nothungry - 29/7/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 21:05 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

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By Desperate_measures - 16/1/2010 12:22 - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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By Lilah - 19/2/2012 00:29 - Canada

Today, I was showing off my sexy new lingerie set to my boyfriend. While we were getting frisky, he got really into things and ripped it completely off my body, destroying it. It cost me $110. FML

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By jasonvanr - 10/5/2016 08:19 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

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By u.p.i.c. - 2/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, the smell of my own fart made me feel hungry. FML

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By mystupidson - 31/8/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

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By Hanna - 3/4/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 00:32 - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

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By seriously? - 22/12/2012 22:19 - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

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By BlueMouth - 16/12/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, we had company over, and after dinner, I saw a package of gumballs sitting on the table. Figuring my brother had brought them, I took one and bit it. I got a bunch of weird looks. Turns out wasn't a gumball - it was a mini paintball. FML

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By IronMonkey - 9/6/2009 19:39 - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 05:04 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML

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By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

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By thanksbro - 20/9/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

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By hail science - 10/9/2019 00:01

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 21:43 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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By ColdFoot - 3/10/2009 06:38 - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 14:39 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

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By Mug - 24/4/2012 20:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 9/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 21:40 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, we got my dad an iPad for his birthday. I had to repeatedly reassure him that he could in fact touch the screen without being shocked. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 20:21 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML

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By wallets - 29/2/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

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By Cammy - 29/4/2009 07:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML

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By Shamdog48 - 11/4/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By severedface - 22/5/2011 05:35 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. When I got there, I found out that the guy was a ventriloquist and was going to use his puppet to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

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By anonymous - 10/6/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By NoValentine - 14/2/2009 22:49 - United States

Today, I realized the reason I was asked to babysit 3 weeks ago for Feb 14 was because the old married couple with kids safely assumed that I wouldn't have a Valentine. FML

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By tbreezy - 26/11/2018 14:00

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By NVP - 18/1/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I told my 10 year old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML

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By Pookaa - 5/10/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, I got a text from someone I've been avoiding saying, "Can I come visit you today?" I replied, "No, sorry, I'm not home." They then replied "Then who is that in your living room?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

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By worsethanzombies - 23/11/2009 16:40 - Spain

Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house, the resident of which was a crazy psycho. Now replace "crazy psycho" with "crazy ex-girlfriend who won't help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her." FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2085297 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

I got the magic in me. Every time I sneeze, I shit violently. Magic, magic, magiiic. Magic, magic, magiiic.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2085336 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:21

Darling, if it was coming from both ends, it was probably food poisoning.

Don't quote me on that though, I'm just speaking from experience.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2085297 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

I got the magic in me. Every time I sneeze, I shit violently. Magic, magic, magiiic. Magic, magic, magiiic.

marmlr339 | 14

#2085522 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:39

fuck up ^^

BWill9014 | 4

#2085690 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 14:53

I lol'd

ilovesexywomen | 0

#2085829 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 15:53

ahaha (x clever.

pingpongz | 1

#2085939 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 16:21

lolololol

newjerseyguy | 0

#2086483 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 21:19

lol

tattortotamus | 0

#2089756 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 16:42

haha awesome,

TheEpicPies | 15

#4522021 - Monday 4 June 2012 18:52

Ahahah!

By Alleged_Cranium | 7

#2085299 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:12

Now that's love!

quitcher wenging

By sunnysurfchick | 0

#2085320 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:17

sorry, that is FML hopefully you feel better soon.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2085336 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:21

Darling, if it was coming from both ends, it was probably food poisoning.

Don't quote me on that though, I'm just speaking from experience.

By Tyrone78G | 3

#2085369 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:26

you should have tried a cough/fart...

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2085411 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:44

FYL for the diarrhea but I'm kind of hesitant to feel bad for you missing a fake holiday...

By Jimboom | 11

#2085415 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:45

Nahh. I don't believe you. You're full of shit.

kibbleskid911 | 0

#2086512 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 21:27

^ win

By RavenRacing | 3

#2085435 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:57

so would you say you had a shitty day? X-D

By MzKylz | 0

#2085487 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:17

as the old saying goes.. "never trust a fart"

SulfurPlague | 0

#2088316 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 7:06

Never trust a fart, and never pass a bathroom xD

By Jonah171 | 12

#2085507 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 13:25

Hahaha! ;D