Miscellaneous: Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for...

By Soverytired - 11/12/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 041

You deserved it 3 675

Miscellaneous

Empathy lives

This Charming Man

The Phoebe Technique

By Juanna - 13/01/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 608

You deserved it 4 501

By ANON - 18/03/2016 16:04 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 630

You deserved it 8 572

By schoolkiddo - 08/09/2010 07:35 - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 108

You deserved it 3 845

By aquagoddess - 03/07/2018 19:00

Today, I used the last of my money to buy a bag of vending machine chips for dinner. It got stuck. A passerby saw and generously offered to buy another bag of the same chips to dislodge it. Gratefully, I accepted his offer. It stayed stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 653

You deserved it 244

By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 12:49

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 253

You deserved it 309

By lk07 - 03/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 680

You deserved it 310

By Lonely At Griffith - 17/06/2019 13:02

Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 283

By Shrieking_Shack_Maiden - 07/09/2018 23:30

Today, I got to experience the unadulterated horror of waking up to a spider crawling across my face. My screaming woke the neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 619

You deserved it 234

By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - 10/11/2015 20:46 - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 999

You deserved it 1 635

By ThanksDog - 05/06/2016 21:26

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 413

You deserved it 1 492

By Anonymous - 21/06/2016 23:24 - United States - Winder

Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 473

You deserved it 1 071

Snug as a bug…

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 02:01

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 30/03/2016 17:02 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 082

You deserved it 1 712

Shot

By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 20:13 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 013

You deserved it 29 538

By Anonymous - 16/06/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 656

You deserved it 10 972

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 17:15 - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 482

You deserved it 10 409

Framed

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 04:00

Today, the police turned up. It turns out the girl I slept with two nights ago was burgled. She told my great aunt, who happens to live next door to her. They then told my grandparents, who then told my mum. I'm now a suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 156

By Poopalipa - 08/01/2009 07:42 - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 813

You deserved it 3 278

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 530

You deserved it 2 897

Compassionate

By crap - 17/07/2020 05:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because apparently, I'm a drug addict who can't speak without slurring and stumbling with my words. I have a recurring speech impediments and the stammer is definitely real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 625

You deserved it 139

By lonelynessinCA - 14/03/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 963

You deserved it 9 764

By sillybrohos - 15/02/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 289

You deserved it 33 721

By explodingpupppet - 30/09/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, after a month of searching, I found a perfect apartment which I rented out for the next few months. The rent was inexpensive and the place was close to my job. Turns out, my 'perfect' new apartment overlooks a nudist community. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 521

You deserved it 36 854

By CurtisWogan - 12/03/2014 22:23 - United States - Albany

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 879

You deserved it 13 426

By harrington61 - 19/05/2013 21:27 - United States - Midland

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 219

You deserved it 3 903

By AntSimo - 19/05/2009 07:46 - South Africa

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 557

You deserved it 2 955

By analbel - 05/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 785

You deserved it 202

By Anonymous - 16/05/2016 03:18 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I nearly got shitcanned for falling asleep on the job. The only reason I was so dead tired was because my idiot roommates decided to get high last night and loudly argue for hours about stupid crap like "Is it gay to screw a clone of yourself?" I got less than 2 hours of sleep because of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 949

You deserved it 1 874

By Username - 26/04/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 896

You deserved it 40 180

By Justmyluck - 21/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 513

You deserved it 154

Reefer madness

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 12:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I told the coworker who sits next to me that I don't smoke weed anymore, after she brought a spliff to work. I then got called into the directors' boardroom to receive a warning for smelling like marijuana at work. I was only allowed one more warning before they were due to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 127

By Anonymous - 08/05/2011 19:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 687

You deserved it 35 688

By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 242

You deserved it 29 120

By Username - 03/08/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 639

You deserved it 37 426

That's a funny word, mom

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 22:59 - United States - Oakland

Today, I wanted to teach my students about history with dominoes. I thought the online video would be wholesome or relevant to history. Nope. The last domino was captioned "HENTAI." Students now get to explain to their parents that I exposed the word Hentai to their vocabulary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306

You deserved it 814

By Bewildered - 10/09/2009 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 541

You deserved it 8 608

By Redhottt6 - 05/08/2016 01:24

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 834

You deserved it 1 608

By Anonymous - 18/06/2016 03:22 - United States - Detroit

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 039

You deserved it 940

By Eganstein - 24/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend came over to a family game night. Halfway through a game of Klingon Monopoly, my drunk parents started arguing because apparently, while my dad was in jail, he cheated on my mom with a Klingon whore. I doubt my girlfriend will ever visit again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 866

You deserved it 2 694

By Anonymous - 07/08/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, my four year old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 930

You deserved it 18 446

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Top comments

ComoEsJuan 24

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:07

Jesus Christ what a gift!

TheGolfGTI 24

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:17

Don't jewish it was a different gift?

ComoEsJuan 24

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:07

Jesus Christ what a gift!

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Thursday 11 December 2014 23:55

You know, the Jewish believed Jesus to be a very holy profit. Also, conservatives tend to have a favorable view towards Jewish people, especially Israelites. Shouldn't be a problem unless they are KKK members or Orthodox Protestants.

imapartypooper 15

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Friday 12 December 2014 0:43

Ok. Jews never believed that Jesus was a prophet and they believe that they messiah has not yet come. That is one of the main differences between Jews and Christians. If you do not believe me, please use google. It can help at times.

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Friday 12 December 2014 0:51

@51 I never said they saw him as the son of God. I also meant prophet, not profit. I guess not literal prophet but some Jews do believe so. They do view Jesus as a respected teacher though.

the_zero_article 15

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Friday 12 December 2014 17:21

53, most Jews really don't. The whole 'blasphemy' thing was kind of a big deal, and also the centuries of torture and oppression at the hands of Christians really didn't help

ZeldaPaulThingy 17

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Monday 15 December 2014 1:22

Wow, you can't even spell prophet.

val_is_lame97 12

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:08

dang :/ it was still thoughtful though

marcranger 28

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:39

Maybe "thoughtful" as in Grandma put a lot of thought into it, but definitely not in a pleasant way if it was intended to be a disapproving comment on OP 's religion. I actually hope it was a thoughtless gift, given the alternatives.

kimco26 12

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:09

they dont always sell only Christian books tho

MrSassypants 32

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Thursday 11 December 2014 19:53

Yeah, I hear they have Harry Potter. Except with all the "devil magic" taken out. It's about three pages long.

Codezlol 21

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:10

Go there and buy something really cheap, use the gift certificate, get the difference of the gift certificate, goto a bookshop of your choosing, and buy a book fitted for you.

rieebee 23

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:12

In most stores over here, you don't get cash back on gift certificates, only a 'remainder note' that can be used within the valid period of time for the certificate.

Codezlol 21

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:20

Oh really?? Lame! I didn't actually look to see where the FML was coming from. Excuse my ignorance!

TanzWolf 26

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:26

Buy books at the bookshop and sell them at a different one to get money and then buy books at the new bookstore?

tantanpanda 26

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Friday 12 December 2014 22:18

that would be nice, but selling books yields minute profits. I'm betting the books they sell at the book store will only sell for a fourth of the price elsewhere. sell 4 books will maybe get you one decent book, but not much more.

devildog562 33

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:12

Maybe they sell coffee and pastries.

Enslaved 36

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:15

Get a Bible and just read the first half.

royal_ranger 12

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Thursday 11 December 2014 19:04

Comedy?...

royal_ranger 12

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Thursday 11 December 2014 19:33

Ahh ok, thanks for the tip.

sturschaedel 27

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Thursday 11 December 2014 20:19

Wouldn't it rather be in fetish&erotica, given all the incest and other sex stories?

LittleRed79 39

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Thursday 11 December 2014 20:40

@30: Yeah, all that begetting sure was naughty.

annarcheer 19

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Thursday 11 December 2014 18:16

you could use it and buy presents for other people.

Posthuman 26

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Thursday 11 December 2014 19:27

OP is Jewish, so I don't think he would be celebrating Christmas. And I don't know too many people who give out gifts for someone else's holiday.

Setareh23 34

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Thursday 11 December 2014 22:14

They can also use the card for birthday gifts; almost everyone celebrates those. Or buy some of the fairly generic items for themselves (ex: pens/stationary which don't have actual Christian quotes but more sort of general morals quotes or stuff from the old testament)