Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up... - FML

By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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Proactive

Cold-blooded old times

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 10:17 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

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By oopsiecoffee - 9/4/2009 06:40 - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full" He's the owner of the shop. FML

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By whinywiper - 25/5/2012 15:10 - Canada

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

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By uneek14 - 23/6/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2020 03:17

Next, on A&E…

Today, when I got out of the shower, my mother, my boyfriend, and 3 of my friends confronted me for an intervention. My problem? They think I'm a workaholic. What they don't know is that I lost my job 4 weeks ago. I stay up all night filling out job applications. FML

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By RiceSickle - 1/8/2014 02:50 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

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By BrokeAndPsst - 12/4/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML

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By Too available to be sexy - 4/5/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By pervert - 9/1/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

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By Eddy - 27/8/2017 16:00

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By fire - 15/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By gymgirl - 5/5/2011 13:47 - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML

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By Professional_Ars - 18/10/2018 12:00

Today, my coworker brought chocolate muffins to work for everyone. This would have been really nice if they hadn't tasted like rotten blueberry muffins spray-painted brown. I reflexively gagged after taking a bite and coughed up a brown mush in front of her. FML

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By anonymous - 18/2/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 13:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

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By :/ - 3/12/2012 01:57 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By spaceforrent - 16/11/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 13:30

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

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By ken - 19/7/2011 07:40 - Canada

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2013 06:04 - Australia - Mulgrave

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

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By SkyDiver - 20/5/2011 07:46

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 03:37 - United States - Vienna

Today, I realized I didn't want to come home from a business trip because I like my job more than my husband. I hate my job. FML

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By sad_unicorn - 19/4/2017 06:00 - Australia - Yagoona

The Intruder

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

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By whyme27 - 6/6/2012 01:19 - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

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By hello - 11/7/2010 00:57 - Jordan

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

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By anonymous - 31/1/2013 04:02 - Canada - Fergus

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

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By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

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By Dan - 9/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

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By wetbutt - 6/3/2009 17:49 - United States

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

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By adults acting like children - 17/9/2016 20:31 - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By youjustsuck - 25/7/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - 29/6/2017 04:00

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2488032 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:01

Is it weird that I held my thumbs up to my iPhone while reading this?

By xmayne | 0

#2488078 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:07

no, being normal is overrated.

Comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2488032 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:01

Is it weird that I held my thumbs up to my iPhone while reading this?

Reply

xmayne | 0

#2488078 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:07

no, being normal is overrated.

Reply

Bassmasterclassi | 2

#2488284 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 10:15

I think the thumbs up needs to make a come back, along with chest bumps and behind the back low double five.

Reply

UnicornHooker | 0

#2488367 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 10:55

Well, 28, I'm currently trying to revive the infamous Jack and Karen tummy-bump from Will and Grace. I feel it's catching on.

There is hope for the abandoned gestures of the nineties!

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2488395 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 11:08

I give the computer a pat on the back and $20 for taxi, once I finish having a wank

Reply

Tsunami87 | 17

#2488397 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 11:08

thumbs are cool

Reply

nebula748 | 14

#2488572 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 12:19

34, that made me lol

Reply

fmlwmty | 0

#2490372 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 23:18

no I did it too

By massnerder420 | 4

#2488036 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:02

Wtf?

Reply

afdude87 | 6

#2488223 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:41

yeah, that's the first thing that I thought.

Reply

hiyourcute | 0

#2488958 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 16:34

Clearly he spends too much time on Facebook...

By badbe | 0

#2488039 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:02

I don't think you have to worry if it's seeing something cool while working...

Reply

DreaminOfMusic | 0

#2488371 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 10:56

what a loser!

Reply

Every1luvsfmls | 6

#2490406 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 23:23

what a loser!

By angel55033 | 12

#2488044 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:02

at least you don't talk to yourself which I mean is okay as long as you don't start answering yourself

Reply

UnicornHooker | 0

#2488405 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 11:09

Oh Christ, my mother does that.
I hope I don't inherit that "quirk", she's already given me her bipolar disorder and horrible nose.

By Omegadolly | 22

#2488050 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:03

Looks like it's time to step outside for a little while...

By IMveryHUNGRY | 3

#2488063 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:05

Depends how many cool things are you seeing daily..

Reply

sugarycupcake | 0

#2496430 - Thursday 12 May 2011 3:46

hahahhaahaha I laugh at u OP

By Pownzeez | 0

#2488066 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:05

just say u were skyping someone lol

Reply

nebula748 | 14

#2488577 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 12:22

At work? That's worse than being weird.

By BieberLilly6 | 0

#2488081 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:07

how manny times do u do it lol

By xoCOURTNIEox | 0

#2488091 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:08

awesome possum :)

Reply

loganG16 | 0

#2488750 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 15:02

I wish!

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#2489777 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 21:13

Fried

By UnknwnClassicGrl | 5

#2488103 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:09

And what do you do if you something uncool? Thumbs down?

Reply

UnknwnClassicGrl | 5

#2488116 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:10

*see

Reply

iLazy | 0

#2488148 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 9:15

*saw

Reply

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2488443 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 11:32

*observed

Reply

Troll_Doll | 0

#2488611 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 12:48

*look at

Reply

plebeianFelix | 5

#2488687 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 14:02

*encounter

Reply

shoopd | 19

#2488730 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 14:48

I fuckin LOOOOOOOVVEEE seesaws!!