Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some...

By gali-ma - 7/2/2015 12:52 - Australia

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Boozehound alert

Fashion Police

By anonymous - 7/12/2015 13:28 - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By pencilskirt - 22/3/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By Lovesucks - 2/12/2019 14:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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By forgotten - 28/2/2013 00:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I saw my car being broken into on the street below my apartment. Too scared to stop them myself, I called the police. Before I could even tell them what was going on, they put me on hold. It was a good 5 minutes before I realized they'd hung up on me. FML

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By lawdy - 21/5/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

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By skippy_liz - 26/10/2010 07:48 - United States

Today, I went to the library to pick up Romeo and Juliet, for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

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By Toolate - 10/10/2012 08:26 - United States - Bristol

Today, I went to the surprise birthday party of an ex I still love, though I'm the one who ended things. I walked in in time to see her screaming "Yes" to her kneeling boyfriend, her parents crying and applauding, and her brothers patting him on the back. FML

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By beckbr - 2/2/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

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By That escalated quickly - 24/6/2015 19:45 - United States - Ocean City

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

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By hwood - 9/9/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By neckcrack - 7/9/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

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By hushnow - 7/2/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

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By WellThen - 15/12/2018 06:30 - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 05:27 - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By crawfo - 31/8/2009 13:54 - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 20:10

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

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By fallsdownplenty45 - 2/6/2009 11:08 - Taiwan

Today, I went biking. I attempted a large hill and lost control, slipped, and fell ten feet into a sewage pit. Riding home covered in crap, my sock caught my chain and I flipped over my bike. My dad had to spray me with the garden hose, bloody and shitty, in the front yard. FML

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By ashamed - 22/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 07:08 - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By Kristat - 1/4/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

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By aceshot97 - 6/12/2011 14:33 - Canada

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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By 2young4birds&bees - 24/10/2016 15:53

Today, while changing my tampon in a public restroom, a toddler crawled under the door of my stall and asked what I was doing. I had to wait until I'd finished to open the door and let her out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 11:29 - Australia

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

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By Thebestman123 - 5/8/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

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By mislead - 22/9/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

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By Mic - 7/1/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

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By sen - 19/2/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, I was sleeping when my roommate walked in and asked me: "So...when are you leaving?" She had decided to throw a party in our apartment. I wasn't invited. FML

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By Grant Williams - 7/5/2019 17:37

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

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By diddlebuag - 27/5/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

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By tdiz - 12/10/2010 04:48 - Canada

Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 22:24 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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By Amy - 10/5/2012 19:14 - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By mile high clubber - 14/7/2013 10:41 - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 20:14 - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By desocrates - 20/6/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

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Top comments

By rachb007 | 11

#6196066 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:53

Unfriend, block, therapy.

By devildog562 | 33

#6196092 - Sunday 8 February 2015 6:01

Check and mate. Dad troll for the win. That's some seriously creepy stuff. First round on me .

COMMENTS

By rachb007 | 11

#6196066 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:53

Unfriend, block, therapy.

AutisticAbyss | 10

#6196104 - Sunday 8 February 2015 6:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By yepokay | 11

#6196069 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:55

Ummm. Ewww

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6196339 - Sunday 8 February 2015 15:22

Even if it was intended as a joke, it is still disgusting and completely inappropriate.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#6196071 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:55

Let's hope he was only referring to your friends.

elcee1987 | 18

#6196219 - Sunday 8 February 2015 9:15

Either way, this is a serious fml

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6196072 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:55

As if there weren't enough reasons to not friend your parents on Facebook... Ew!

By abraybro | 27

#6196079 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:57

That is so wrong on so many levels.

the_untouchables | 15

#6197742 - Monday 9 February 2015 21:46

Nope, just the "he's your dad" level.

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6196081 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:57

And thats why you don't add you parents on facebook

JAR_2012 | 5

#6208330 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:30

or make a completely different one for family only *continues to barf

By daydreamer244 | 13

#6196083 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:58

I think it's time to have a talk with your dad.

By kstephens2326 | 15

#6196084 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:58

Top reason why NOT to have the parents on Facebook.

photographer49 | 22

#6196127 - Sunday 8 February 2015 6:20

I didn't realize this occured so often that it made the top reason not to have your parents as friends on facebook. I thought it was just so they don't snoop on you.

By ber4fun | 23

#6196089 - Sunday 8 February 2015 5:59

Wow, hopefully he just has a different sense of humor.

By devildog562 | 33

#6196092 - Sunday 8 February 2015 6:01

Check and mate. Dad troll for the win. That's some seriously creepy stuff. First round on me .