Miscellaneous: Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 42

03/04/2015 06:08

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 824

You deserved it 2 989

Dysfunctional

Another great day to be alive

Age difference

Scoville scale

By firefire - 30/07/2020 08:01

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 885

You deserved it 277

20/10/2010 03:01

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 015

You deserved it 4 166

15/05/2009 17:11

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 829

You deserved it 2 947

Early show

By Anonymous - 26/01/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 427

You deserved it 489

Toxic

By Tiny - 29/07/2014 08:27

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 821

You deserved it 3 787

14/10/2009 14:36

Today, I noticed that my clothes had shrunk. My mother seemed to be having trouble with the new washer and dryer so I tried to show her exactly how they work. After my explanation she said "I know how they work. I shrank your clothes to give you some incentive to lose all that belly you got." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 736

You deserved it 7 639

24/01/2014 05:15

Spicy

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 893

You deserved it 5 116

17/11/2015 10:20

Today, my friend was complaining about about her new boyfriend. Playing around, I told her that he sounded a lot like my ex. He is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 609

You deserved it 2 325

RIP Beard

By captain patch beard - 03/10/2019 18:01

Spicy

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 385

08/09/2016 02:37

Today, it was the first day of school, and I split my pants. In a full class. While on a stage. I'm the teacher, and I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 899

You deserved it 8 959

24/02/2012 02:24

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 669

You deserved it 2 483

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

By Moimoi78 - 01/02/2017 05:00

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 120

You deserved it 5 068

13/01/2011 23:00

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 434

You deserved it 2 668

11/12/2015 16:34

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 707

You deserved it 1 537

11/10/2009 16:16

Today, my new roommate decided to put his pet hamster in the same cage as my beloved hamster. Apparently he wanted them to make hamster babies. They are both males. His hamster attacked mine and tore it to pieces. I just finished cleaning up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 350

You deserved it 2 779

02/03/2010 05:05

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 229

You deserved it 6 050

Experimentation

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 23:39

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 732

You deserved it 3 382

02/01/2012 09:44

Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 945

You deserved it 2 837

08/01/2011 20:15

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 733

You deserved it 4 128

14/01/2009 15:01

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 4 450

05/12/2010 06:57

Spicy

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 123

You deserved it 4 693

12/12/2015 17:22

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 884

You deserved it 6 535

16/01/2010 02:25

Today, while getting gas, a hottie pulled-up to the pump next to me. I finished filling my tank and started to drive away. As I was checking her out and paying no attention to my driving, I ended up taking the front bumper off her car with my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 030

You deserved it 40 140

19/01/2010 02:06

Today, I was in one of two hot tubs with my dad at a vacation resort, when 3 good looking guys walked into the pool area. My dad moved to the other hot tub so the guys could hang out in the one I was in. They came outside, passed my hot tub, and went into the one my dad just moved into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 037

You deserved it 4 662

13/12/2009 06:46

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing "Happy birthday" with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 664

You deserved it 2 710

12/07/2016 20:04

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 791

You deserved it 1 276

24/09/2009 00:08

Spicy

Today, I got it on for the first time with a guy I've been dating. He had to turn the TV up loud so that his mom couldn't hear anything. I'm 20 years old and I lost my virginity with Disney Channel blaring in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 475

You deserved it 23 016

15/11/2009 18:46

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 158

You deserved it 42 757

04/08/2012 01:52

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 910

You deserved it 4 837

29/07/2010 18:28

Spicy

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 716

You deserved it 14 787

14/05/2016 00:58

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 292

You deserved it 1 240

08/10/2012 22:27

Today, my friends dared me to answer the door naked for the pizza guy. I heard the doorbell but when I answered, it was the little boy from next door participating in a fundraiser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 670

You deserved it 40 483

05/02/2013 05:24

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 476

You deserved it 52 289

I miss the hungry years…

By Anonymous - 18/04/2017 12:00

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 327

27/12/2009 00:34

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 581

You deserved it 3 684

11/11/2009 16:03

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 857

You deserved it 15 346

14/12/2012 06:40

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 887

You deserved it 3 178

13/04/2012 23:14

Today, I was Skyping with this kid, when his girlfriend started arguing with him. They do this every other week, and there was a bet on when they'd finally break up. I egged the guy on and told him not to take her shit. She ended up dumping him. Now I feel like an asshole, and all for a lousy $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 197

You deserved it 47 116

28/08/2010 23:40

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 542

You deserved it 3 076

The show must go on!

By Stuckwiththebill - 28/01/2018 01:30

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 491

You deserved it 412

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Top comments

md101 18

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:20

I think you're principal sucks dude, pocket collection is an awesome hobby! All my friends are rocks...

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:30

You're going to need a rock-solid alibi to beat this rap. Don't take your right to legal council for granite. A good lawyer is your only hope.

Comments

md101 18

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:20

I think you're principal sucks dude, pocket collection is an awesome hobby! All my friends are rocks...

friedpwnadge 25

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Friday 3 April 2015 17:26

That wasn't very gneiss of your principal.

Woedel 25

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:22

Talk about bad timing.. Sorry OP! At least you found a nice looking rock?

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:26

I find it amusing how currently this is a top comment yet has negative votes.

Woedel 25

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:27

Magic !

Rainbow2Cloud 12

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Friday 3 April 2015 17:39

Why are most of these comments downvoted? Do people just downvote comments for the hell of it?

Pandacupcakelove 26

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Friday 3 April 2015 17:39

Why does this have negative votes anyway? I wonder what makes people who read this comment so dissatisfied with it

Pandacupcakelove 26

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Friday 3 April 2015 17:43

Yeah I posted at the same time as #35. The awkwardness.

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:22

That does not rock

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:38

Neither does your comment.

whycantisignup 24

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Friday 3 April 2015 22:17

#18 You must be stoned

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Saturday 4 April 2015 1:34

Truuuuu

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:23

Well just explain the situation to your principal and if they still are being unreasonable, then you know how much of a dick they are lol. Sorry that happened OP

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:23

That's a sucky situation and there's not much you can do to get out of it. It certainly sucks OP

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:24

All those poor little pet rocks. I do hope a nice eulogy was given as they were flushed.

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:24

Not quite so sure how you'll get out of this one especially since not many people spontaneously pick up pretty rocks. Best of luck OP!

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Friday 3 April 2015 21:39

Wait collecting random rocks isn't normal?

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:26

Sounds like an overrockaction to me.....?

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:28

You're trying too hard.

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:29

Rock hard, baby!

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:36

You should be stoned. Not because it's a justified reaction to a rather terrible pun, but because it would be hilarious given the current situation.

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:41

Stop talking boulder-dash, cakefete ╰_╯

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Friday 3 April 2015 16:50

Slaters gonna slate

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Friday 3 April 2015 17:58

No, God no..

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:27

No one ever investigates anymore, do they?

hockeygoalie13 14

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Friday 3 April 2015 16:02

I was thinking the same thing. The fact that he brought the rock in clearly does not prove that he is the one putting them in the toilet.

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Friday 3 April 2015 15:30

You're going to need a rock-solid alibi to beat this rap. Don't take your right to legal council for granite. A good lawyer is your only hope.

kindasortayeah 23

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Saturday 4 April 2015 6:02

These puns are killing me