Miscellaneous: Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the... - FML

16/03/2012 05:54 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 775

You deserved it 23 169

Best teeth in the game

Dysfunctional

Another great day to be alive

02/11/2011 04:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 352

You deserved it 14 154

Scammers gonna scam

By Stupid Man - 31/08/2021 10:01

Today, I had a vulnerable day, which led me to being scammed 2400 dollars, worried about something that a simple Google search and five seconds of reading would've rectified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 304

You deserved it 1 007

Bushy

By Mustache - 03/11/2020 14:02 - Austria

Today, I was on my way to meet my partner's parents for the first time. Although I was in a rush, I managed to hop into the shower and shave. I now have a cut on my upper lip. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 221

25/06/2015 03:54 - United States

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 347

You deserved it 1 961

That's… a strange coincidence

By Anonymous - 10/01/2021 05:01

Today, my boyfriend of three years hooked up with a girl who got herpes from a Michigan football player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 93

17/11/2010 01:21 - Reserved

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked "Women's weights room". Oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 906

You deserved it 26 962

Stuck

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 962

09/09/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 413

You deserved it 8 179

07/09/2011 05:05 - Canada

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 050

You deserved it 45 889

05/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 431

You deserved it 6 329

28/01/2014 20:28 - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 028

You deserved it 4 309

13/03/2011 13:19 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 926

You deserved it 3 219

14/01/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 529

You deserved it 4 741

07/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 691

You deserved it 21 221

02/08/2013 05:03 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 534

You deserved it 6 219

14/05/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 974

You deserved it 6 464

18/08/2015 03:39 - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 378

You deserved it 1 862

16/09/2010 10:59 - Australia

Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, 'So, does this mean you're going to start drinking with us again?' FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 100

You deserved it 4 386

13/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 882

You deserved it 2 393

27/10/2010 16:17 - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 309

You deserved it 6 341

03/06/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 673

You deserved it 4 736

24/11/2015 06:34 - United States - Annapolis

Spicy

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 536

You deserved it 4 613

Golden child

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 07:30 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I found out my junkie brother broke into my home, and stole mine AND my children's belongings whilst we were on holiday. I rang my mother to vent, only for her to blatantly defend him and insist I got it wrong. We caught him on camera, and now I'm being scolded for even thinking he would do such a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 386

You deserved it 67

28/02/2017 14:00

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 763

You deserved it 368

12/07/2012 16:04 - United States - Millers Tavern

Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 322

You deserved it 32 043

14/11/2016 19:17 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I bought myself a new perfume. Now, there's a sulky husband lying next to me in bed who can't get it up because I smell like his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 139

You deserved it 2 852

10/12/2018 17:30 - Netherlands

Today, my two co-workers got the promotion we were all working for. The reason they got the promotion and not me? My interview got cancelled because of a policy change, implemented that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 138

09/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 757

You deserved it 10 290

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Anonymous - 19/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was asked for ID to purchase decorative scissors. I was buying them to make my wedding decorations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 161

29/09/2013 19:21 - Canada - Guelph

Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 329

You deserved it 7 620

15/07/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 661

You deserved it 5 226

08/11/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 214

You deserved it 54 718

07/05/2011 13:56 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 691

You deserved it 7 492

24/05/2012 18:59 - United States - Pasadena

Spicy

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 354

You deserved it 2 645

23/02/2009 16:47 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 735

You deserved it 5 453

24/01/2010 15:27 - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 140

You deserved it 4 788

04/02/2015 16:02 - United States

Today, while on the job I accidentally locked my keys and all of my equipment in the car. I work for the AAA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 257

You deserved it 5 535

17/07/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 157

You deserved it 319

Love Hurts

By Anonymous - 30/08/2017 03:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 743

You deserved it 233

13/06/2017 02:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 110

You deserved it 710

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:07

I wonder how many times you have slapped the shit out of yourself trying to get it off you lol...

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Friday 16 March 2012 11:58

Haha, why is this in intimacy?

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Friday 16 March 2012 11:55

You should probably get used to it, or you'll be freaked out forever...

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:01

Apparently birthmarks are good luck

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Friday 16 March 2012 15:14

Hey, it happens to the best of us. I drew an "X" on my hand as a reminder, but since I was tired I kept thinking it was a spider. I would jump out of my skin about once every hour, so my parents kept calling me "popcorn" and "spider hand".

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Saturday 17 March 2012 8:53

Once my hair brushed my shoulder and I freaked out because I thought it was a spider. You're not alone lol

DarksideDoll 31

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Monday 15 September 2014 7:23

56- Happens to me all the time. My ponytail is a troll.

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Friday 16 March 2012 11:58

Haha, why is this in intimacy?

perdix 29

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:02

Some people have shoulder fetishes? Or a fetish about birthmarks or spiders? Or 23, it's a third of 69, don't ya know?

perdix 29

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:11

And, thank you, Didi, for noting that it was fixed, otherwise readers might think Vacant and me were idiots.

iamyummylicious 14

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Friday 16 March 2012 13:47

BkI still think that. :) JK But it was nifty how you pointed out that 23 is a third of 69.

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:20

For us shorter people -_-

xsilentxninjax 10

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Tuesday 18 February 2014 5:18

What's wrong with short people?

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Friday 16 March 2012 11:59

It's ok op, spiders are scary as a mothafucka

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:18

not worth taken the chance! I hate spiders too!

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Friday 16 March 2012 17:07

that must be one hairy birthmark

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:07

I wonder how many times you have slapped the shit out of yourself trying to get it off you lol...

Gothicbunnyx3 16

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:07

I can't even imagine that happening in public. :D

linkinpark98 23

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:35

*OP is out at a restaurant* Op: "Yes, I'll take the steak medium rare, please. And also, I'll have th- OH HOLY FUCK!" *flips table*

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:10

You should check your privates for 'spiders' too. You never know where those critters might be. "is that one? Let me rub it out...oh spider you are so...feels so good when you scare me"

iiEnjoyTurtles 0

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:17

Da fuq?

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:36

Wow, that was so unnecessary and inappropriate. Take your little perverted mind elsewhere please.

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:48

Extremely tasteless

blackheart24 10

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Friday 16 March 2012 16:04

Where the fuck did that come from? Now we know who the troll whackin it in his moms basement is....

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Friday 16 March 2012 17:27

Seriously? No one else saw wedding crashers??

perdix 29

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:16

You'd better hope that no spiders are reading this FML -- now they'll know exactly where to attack you undetected!

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:30

You my friend, are a tart

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:44

What is OP going to do when it's a real spider?

linkinpark98 23

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Friday 16 March 2012 14:37

Flip the fuck out. :)

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Friday 16 March 2012 12:44

Yeah so? You'll be fine. EVERYONE including me makes the world's dumbest mistake like that. Don't worry

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Friday 16 March 2012 13:26

Apparently 23 years aren't enough to get used to your birth mark.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 42

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 108