Animals: Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction... - FML

By ohmy - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

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There's no helping some people

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Keys, how do they work?

By Anonymous

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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By Matthew - United States

Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML

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By badtrip - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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By bam.93

Creepy

Today, my supervisor asked me to help him for some modifications on an Excel sheet. I helped him for some stuff, but couldn't help him completely. He said to me, " Try to learn more about Excel, I want someone to satisfy my needs." FML

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By Biggie - United States

Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML

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By Sabre

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

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By jake - 10/1/2021 18:02 - United States - Denver

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

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By annonymus - United States

Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

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By dmvfail - United States

Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 23:02

Technique

Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML

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By Heyme - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

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By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

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By bit - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

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By Sierra Madre

Time for an intervention

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

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By Getthelysol

Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Alli.M - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous1221

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up in my living room after having a party. I then realized my fish tank with many different species was missing from its usual spot. After searching for a few minutes, I finally found it in the freezer. FML

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By Vassy - Canada - Montreal

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

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By mysidesaresplitting - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

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By justin_99 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By El Jeffe - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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By Anonymous

It's just me

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

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By crap - Thailand

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

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By cowgirl - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, my friends and I held an intervention for my fiancé. He's been talking and behaving like an "old-timey cowboy" non-stop for the last three months. Our wedding is in a month and he refuses to marry me if I can't accept his "life choices." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

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By mockable - United States

Today, I was informed that one of my store managers does a "great" impression of me. No one will tell me what it is, but apparently it's really funny. FML

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By Kitty Lover - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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By miji

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By Whosthegroom - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By Shoeless - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

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Top comments

By dahlia14 | 0

#724736 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:10

coulda had a v8

By pooley182 | 0

#724733 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:11

my god i laughed so hard, that mental image totally made my day.

COMMENTS

By jeepster7874 | 0

#724730 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:08

nice one haha

FIRST!

Reply

FOOFIGHTERSrock | 0

#724893 - Friday 18 December 2009 0:39

lol WIN for the spider :D

Reply

cassdede | 0

#887495 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 4:27

ahh typical human

Reply

bleedinginside | 0

#941214 - Saturday 13 March 2010 4:19

if there was a spider on ur sack us smack ur sack right

Reply

sumbody14 | 0

#2270514 - Thursday 31 March 2011 6:08

who waits for the spider To get onto thier glasses before smacking it?

Reply

TooQuick | 1

#2739857 - Thursday 23 June 2011 2:28

SMH. Oh wait. you already did. YDI

By pooley182 | 0

#724733 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:11

my god i laughed so hard, that mental image totally made my day.

Reply

ymonkey96 | 0

#2271926 - Thursday 31 March 2011 11:13

lmao me too!!!

Reply

amarahsohi | 7

#6049662 - Wednesday 27 August 2014 18:07

Omg i know right i couldnt stop laughing. I think i woke up my family!

By dahlia14 | 0

#724736 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:10

coulda had a v8

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#724738 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:11

ydi

Reply

FOOFIGHTERSrock | 0

#724912 - Friday 18 December 2009 0:51

#3 ur a genius :D

By DreMaMa | 0

#724751 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:15

At least you didn't use both hands.

By Brooklyn_c | 0

#724753 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:19

Ha ha, your a dumbass

By loveyahun | 0

#724759 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:19

I would just take off the glasses?

Reply

Loveyou6611 | 20

#6246341 - Sunday 29 March 2015 6:06

One simply doesn't "just take off the glasses" when they see a spider. The proper response would have been to scream bloody murder while throwing the glasses across the room and hitting your hair and face while stomping your feet... if that doesn't work. Fire.

By hXcsoccerplaya | 0

#724765 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:23

hahaha I would totally do that. FYL

By nightmare1234 | 0

#724766 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:24

dumbass!

By CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#724786 - Thursday 17 December 2009 23:35

FYL indeed....this FML made me laugh...sucks though