Work: Today, during lunch break at work, the bitter departmental rivalry... - FML

By jfc519 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, during lunch break at work, the bitter departmental rivalry blew out of control, when one of the glorified thugs from HR started a fistfight with my shift supervisor. I rushed in to break it up, but only succeeded in getting sucker-punched into next week. FML

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jfc519 tells us more :

Software development company. Not gonna put the name out there though, cause I like having a job. I got into this job expecting peace and quiet all day, but I quickly found out the bosses don't give a shit, and people can get away with anything but murder if they kiss enough arse afterward. You could pop round to HR to complain about pretty much anything, and they'd still tell you to get fucked. Sometimes I wonder if they even do anything beside play tetris all day. :|

Coherence dude, do you have it?

F is for Family

Halloween came early

By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Mitry-mory

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

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By someone euthanize me

Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML

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By Bunsostriker - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

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By fatflabbyfail - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

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By whytoday

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

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By poopiter - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By DJ Clitter - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Las Palmas

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Newton

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

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By I don’t stink - 1/5/2020 20:00

No pain, no meds

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

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By CatWoman - United States

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

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By thisisbad - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

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By so much for romance - United States - Queensbury

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

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By shaunaaa - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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By you fuckhobbit - United Kingdom

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

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By makeupsex - Canada

Toxic

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML

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By Insomniac - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

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By author - United States - Sicklerville

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

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By uneek_3225 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML

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By Screw My Parents - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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By froggylicious - Canada

Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML

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By Typicalwhitechick

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after some filing mistakes, and a lot of waiting on hold, I'm finally registered for Spring classes. I was ready to enjoy this term, until I found out that my ex, who was forced into therapy after he threatened to kill me, is in half of my classes. FML

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By Anonymous

Drives

Today, and for months now, the meds that stop me from killing myself have killed my sex drive. My boyfriend, being stressed at work, initially assured me that his was also non existent and not to worry. I found out he's been wanking every day and hiding it from me so I don't feel bad. Now I know, I feel fucking awful. FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, I was at working at Burger King as a cashier. A girl I met last night came in and said, "Aren't you that guy from last night?" Last night, I had told her I was going to medical school and was going to be a doctor in less than a year. FML

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By oink401 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

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By whywouldudothat - 19/4/2020 02:00

Vinted-ed

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

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By Anonymous

LOL AWKS

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4805640 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:55

Punched into next week? So you get a free week of pay!

Make sure your supervisor signs off your punch card.

By jetsown08 | 21

#4805699 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:04

Hey, while you're in next week, do you mind getting me the winning lotto numbers? I know a Nigerian prince that can help me wire some of the winnings to you account in exchange for your credit card info.

COMMENTS

By jewwybeanzzz | 10

#4805636 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:54

Oh... Ouch.. I hope you're okay OP

Reply

saintsrocksocks | 10

#4805676 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:00

Are you kidding me? That's awesome for OP! He/She is first to complete time travel!

Reply

Futacy | 29

#4805717 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:08

OP, if this happens again (and this info may even save your life one day) call 9-9-9! Don't try to play vigilante, cause you gonna get yo ass kicked!

Reply

fukmefreddy | 4

#4805750 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:17

it's only been a few hours, maybe you should get that concussion checked out.

Reply

bertman21 | 5

#4805861 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:02

Am I the only one here that wants to be a part of a department rivalry?

Reply

MelTheGreat | 23

#4805918 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:25

This comment is so beyond overused.

Reply

AlexDeBrazil | 1

#4806010 - Sunday 12 August 2012 21:02

Maybe you can try again next week 

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4806152 - Sunday 12 August 2012 22:13

35- I'm with you. Not because I love to get in fights, but because my work is so goddamn boring.

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4806579 - Monday 13 August 2012 5:10

Like that foreign guy who always 1-ups my jokes... Bastard

By DocBastard | 38

#4805640 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:55

Punched into next week? So you get a free week of pay!

Make sure your supervisor signs off your punch card.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4805680 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:01

Plus you're next up for promotion!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4805744 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:16

This comment is the epitome of looking on the bright side lol

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#4805746 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:16

When I saw this FML I was going to a sick leave joke but then I saw you beat me to it. Oh well.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#4805903 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:18

I bet they're a bit cheesed off. (apologies for the terrible pun)

Reply

namyo | 13

#4805985 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:52

Your joke needed a better punch line

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4806594 - Monday 13 August 2012 5:13

Wait if OP was punched into next week, then that means he posted this FML from the future! OP, will anything cool or tragic happen in the coming week?

By cyborgmexican | 6

#4805648 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

acidkitten | 14

#4805695 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:02

and that would have helped because...?

Reply

Ch0sen | 13

#4805836 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:51

He did get involved, and paid the price of getting his guts blasted to hell.

Reply

pokefan813 | 16

#4806038 - Sunday 12 August 2012 21:16

Then he would've been sucker punched into next month...

Reply

Futacy | 29

#4806061 - Sunday 12 August 2012 21:27

3- Dude, you got thumbed down quick.

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#4805652 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:56

That sucks Op, but I would have never ran in there to break it up... I hope youre ok though.

Reply

SoMuchSnailGame | 3

#4806548 - Monday 13 August 2012 4:55

I just realized how hard it would be to prove you time traveled a week into the future

By ImBrent | 8

#4805654 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:56

I give you props for trying. FYL though. At least you got to skip a week of work :P

By Purrpurrpurr | 7

#4805659 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:56

So now that we've figured out how all that time travel business works...

Reply

bluekid7 | 5

#4806131 - Sunday 12 August 2012 22:02

OP is posting from the future!!!

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#4806238 - Sunday 12 August 2012 23:56

61 - Or the past, at the rate FMLs get moderated...

By Rodders_SOTC | 1

#4805660 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:57

A HR department tells me this a fairly reputable company, so I would say this is a win. You will get compensation.

Reply

dcg1375 | 7

#4806526 - Monday 13 August 2012 4:38

That's what lawyers are for...

By Erniedoee | 2

#4805682 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:01

The guy that tries to break it up, always ends up being punched .

Reply

JOcoco | 14

#4805850 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:57

I've tried breaking up a fight before and didn't get punched. Wait you said guys. I'm exempt from this rule.

By jetsown08 | 21

#4805699 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:04

Hey, while you're in next week, do you mind getting me the winning lotto numbers? I know a Nigerian prince that can help me wire some of the winnings to you account in exchange for your credit card info.

By cicpjaky | 6

#4805711 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:08

It would have been on like Donkey Kong!!!!