Work: Today, during lunch break at work, the bitter departmental rivalry... - FML

By jfc519 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, during lunch break at work, the bitter departmental rivalry blew out of control, when one of the glorified thugs from HR started a fistfight with my shift supervisor. I rushed in to break it up, but only succeeded in getting sucker-punched into next week. FML

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jfc519 tells us more :

Software development company. Not gonna put the name out there though, cause I like having a job. I got into this job expecting peace and quiet all day, but I quickly found out the bosses don't give a shit, and people can get away with anything but murder if they kiss enough arse afterward. You could pop round to HR to complain about pretty much anything, and they'd still tell you to get fucked. Sometimes I wonder if they even do anything beside play tetris all day. :|

Dangling modifier

Gentle prank

She'll come around

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By monochromatic - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

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By Emil - United States

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

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By faux ma - United States - Winter Park

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

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By Eh... - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

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By SpideyFace - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

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By fuck kids - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 31/7/2020 20:01

Emergency cooking

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02

It's not unusual

Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML

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By sadmom

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

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By -__- - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By firegirl

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By FranticFarAwayDaughter

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

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By Humbug - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By Joey - United States - Reno

Today, my mother was digging up our Halloween decorations, and found the Christmas decorations as well. She's shoddily decorated the house already in half-Halloween and half-Christmas style to save time. I guess we'll be celebrating Christmasween for the rest of the year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

The jury's out on this one

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

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By DestinyJoy

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

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By wetandpantsless - United States

Today, I got invited to a big upperclassmen party that underclassmen don't normally get invited to. I was feeling really good when I got there and saw that the girl I'm in love with was there. They stole my pants and gave me a swirly. Her reaction was to post pictures on Facebook. FML

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By Mick_The_Disappointment

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

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By MattClifford - 15/11/2020 17:01 - Australia

Great start

Today, I passed my driver's test. As I was driving home, I was rear-ended. Rear-ended by the examiner that'd passed me. FML

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By superficialheart - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

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By broomrape - United States

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

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By A. nonymous

Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML

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By Peter80 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By fuckedup - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By K - United States

Today, I got a second notice from the mailman that my mail would not be delivered because of the pile of ice a plow had pushed in front of my mailbox. After getting the first notice, I'd spent an hour in the cold busting up the ice with a pick to clear a path. He put both notices in my mailbox. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4805640 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:55

Punched into next week? So you get a free week of pay!

Make sure your supervisor signs off your punch card.

By jetsown08 | 21

#4805699 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:04

Hey, while you're in next week, do you mind getting me the winning lotto numbers? I know a Nigerian prince that can help me wire some of the winnings to you account in exchange for your credit card info.

COMMENTS

By jewwybeanzzz | 10

#4805636 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:54

Oh... Ouch.. I hope you're okay OP

Reply

saintsrocksocks | 10

#4805676 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:00

Are you kidding me? That's awesome for OP! He/She is first to complete time travel!

Reply

Futacy | 29

#4805717 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:08

OP, if this happens again (and this info may even save your life one day) call 9-9-9! Don't try to play vigilante, cause you gonna get yo ass kicked!

Reply

fukmefreddy | 4

#4805750 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:17

it's only been a few hours, maybe you should get that concussion checked out.

Reply

bertman21 | 5

#4805861 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:02

Am I the only one here that wants to be a part of a department rivalry?

Reply

MelTheGreat | 23

#4805918 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:25

This comment is so beyond overused.

Reply

AlexDeBrazil | 1

#4806010 - Sunday 12 August 2012 21:02

Maybe you can try again next week 

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4806152 - Sunday 12 August 2012 22:13

35- I'm with you. Not because I love to get in fights, but because my work is so goddamn boring.

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4806579 - Monday 13 August 2012 5:10

Like that foreign guy who always 1-ups my jokes... Bastard

By DocBastard | 38

#4805640 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:55

Punched into next week? So you get a free week of pay!

Make sure your supervisor signs off your punch card.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4805680 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:01

Plus you're next up for promotion!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4805744 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:16

This comment is the epitome of looking on the bright side lol

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#4805746 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:16

When I saw this FML I was going to a sick leave joke but then I saw you beat me to it. Oh well.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#4805903 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:18

I bet they're a bit cheesed off. (apologies for the terrible pun)

Reply

namyo | 13

#4805985 - Sunday 12 August 2012 20:52

Your joke needed a better punch line

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4806594 - Monday 13 August 2012 5:13

Wait if OP was punched into next week, then that means he posted this FML from the future! OP, will anything cool or tragic happen in the coming week?

By cyborgmexican | 6

#4805648 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

acidkitten | 14

#4805695 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:02

and that would have helped because...?

Reply

Ch0sen | 13

#4805836 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:51

He did get involved, and paid the price of getting his guts blasted to hell.

Reply

pokefan813 | 16

#4806038 - Sunday 12 August 2012 21:16

Then he would've been sucker punched into next month...

Reply

Futacy | 29

#4806061 - Sunday 12 August 2012 21:27

3- Dude, you got thumbed down quick.

By redhedsaysrawr | 18

#4805652 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:56

That sucks Op, but I would have never ran in there to break it up... I hope youre ok though.

Reply

SoMuchSnailGame | 3

#4806548 - Monday 13 August 2012 4:55

I just realized how hard it would be to prove you time traveled a week into the future

By ImBrent | 8

#4805654 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:56

I give you props for trying. FYL though. At least you got to skip a week of work :P

By Purrpurrpurr | 7

#4805659 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:56

So now that we've figured out how all that time travel business works...

Reply

bluekid7 | 5

#4806131 - Sunday 12 August 2012 22:02

OP is posting from the future!!!

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#4806238 - Sunday 12 August 2012 23:56

61 - Or the past, at the rate FMLs get moderated...

By Rodders_SOTC | 1

#4805660 - Sunday 12 August 2012 18:57

A HR department tells me this a fairly reputable company, so I would say this is a win. You will get compensation.

Reply

dcg1375 | 7

#4806526 - Monday 13 August 2012 4:38

That's what lawyers are for...

By Erniedoee | 2

#4805682 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:01

The guy that tries to break it up, always ends up being punched .

Reply

JOcoco | 14

#4805850 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:57

I've tried breaking up a fight before and didn't get punched. Wait you said guys. I'm exempt from this rule.

By jetsown08 | 21

#4805699 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:04

Hey, while you're in next week, do you mind getting me the winning lotto numbers? I know a Nigerian prince that can help me wire some of the winnings to you account in exchange for your credit card info.

By cicpjaky | 6

#4805711 - Sunday 12 August 2012 19:08

It would have been on like Donkey Kong!!!!