Work: Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the...

By dulllife - United States

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

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Work

BO Central

Get the hell out of Dodge

Unrequited lover

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped this guy get into his truck after he'd locked his keys in it, and he said thank you and went on his way. Ten minutes later, a woman came out of the grocery store and freaked out, saying someone stole her truck. I helped a guy steal a truck. FML

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By Someguy - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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By loving wife - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

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By xxccruzxx - United States

Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, I was hungry and decided to nibble on some cheez-its I had in my room. After I had enjoyed some of them, I looked into the box to see how many I had left, where I noticed a lot of little black moving dots. Apparently I wasn't the only one enjoying the crackers. FML

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By anon. - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

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By bird - United States - Fort Gratiot

Today, I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries out when I remove it. I can't win. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By stillhungry - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

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By PeterRabit - Canada

Headshot

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

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By Eddie B

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 07:59 - Australia

Bad timing, dude

Today, in the middle of asking my girlfriend to marry me, I sneezed so hard that I farted. FML

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By Fefrank

I broke a bolt on my minivan trying to fix the timing belt myself to save money. I spent about 300 dollars in parts. Today I took the van to the shop and the total to fix it is going to be 1200 dollars. FML

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By Damn

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By JMcKay - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

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By brown and sticky - United States - Baltimore

Food poisoning

Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML

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By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I slept together. In the middle of the night, he saw my phone receiving a text from someone saying "Hey baby, I missed you so much! I'm going to be visiting in a couple of days, hope to see you again, I love you!". He got mad and left my house. It was my dad from Ohio. FML

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By desperategurl - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By Fluffyman

Today, I realized that I haven’t lost weight. All my clothes have just stretched to fit. FML

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By lm - Ireland

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

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By Chatons - Switzerland

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Timing

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corning

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

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By goodbyepromotion - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By notgettinsome - Australia

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

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By SingleSara. - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

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By mooselord - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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By fstfckd - United States

Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML

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By sXeQueen - United States

Hush

Today, my boyfriend was having a really bad day, so I decided to call him and try to calm him down. At one point, I thought it would be sweet to sing him a song since he claimed to love my voice. Before I could get half way through, he told me to shut up because I was getting on his nerves and just making things worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my daughter's biggest aspiration is to create a time machine for the sole purpose of going to the '70s to see the Ramones in concert. FML

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By lorena_v

Not fair!

Today, one of my teachers yelled at me for being two minutes late to class. He was so concerned with my punishment that he didn't notice the four other people that walked in after me. FML

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By Danny

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

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By dinkley7 - 25/4/2021 02:00

Nice neighborhood

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

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By disappointed - 10/12/2020 20:02 - Canada - Brantford

Late term

Today, I had to pick my son up from jail. He was pulled over for having a busted tail light, gave the officer his licence, realized he gave the officer his fake ID and then the dumbass gave the cop his real one. Is it too late for a vasectomy? FML

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Top comments

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3702244 - Thursday 8 December 2011 12:02

Dude you're gonna lose your shit when the new tablecloths come in.

By sariannacanna | 6

#3702229 - Thursday 8 December 2011 11:54

Those toothpicks are pretty cool.... Lol

COMMENTS

By sariannacanna | 6

#3702229 - Thursday 8 December 2011 11:54

Those toothpicks are pretty cool.... Lol

CaptainCola | 7

#3702264 - Thursday 8 December 2011 12:18

Colored toothpicks? :O I'm excited FOR you! :D

Androidz | 0

#3702274 - Thursday 8 December 2011 12:25

Notice ops name is dulllife.

jonmansheppard | 9

#3702279 - Thursday 8 December 2011 12:28

When posting an FML you can change your name to make it anomonous

tacovender | 7

#3702320 - Thursday 8 December 2011 13:04

Noone ever pays me in colored toothpicks. :(

keepcaImcarryon | 0

#3702388 - Thursday 8 December 2011 13:47

#22 so I'll pay you in Stride gum! ;)

RadioOctopus | 16

#3702463 - Thursday 8 December 2011 14:32

trident layers

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#3702508 - Thursday 8 December 2011 14:58

Cherry lime layers!

xMidna | 6

#3706255 - Friday 9 December 2011 14:06

Those toothpicks are rather cool :D

By shazza26 | 1

#3702231 - Thursday 8 December 2011 11:54

Well it's something you don't see everyday! They sound awesome!

HahaBoy | 0

#3702652 - Thursday 8 December 2011 16:03

Well that's not as bad as our life....we get excited reading about u getting excited about toothpicks. So sad I think I might cry

jwade11 | 12

#3703672 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:58

It's the little things that matter!! You have to laugh every once in a while and finding little things like that amusing is awesome!! That's how I am and I'm never bored!!!