Miscellaneous: Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment... - FML

By the bleeder

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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Leave us alone

The smell detective is on the case

Death at one's elbow

By ohmygosh - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

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By shitday - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By tuck87 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By fleatitting fame - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

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By wantsleep

Today, my boss continues to think it's appropriate to send me whining texts about work at midnight. Or 4 a.m. I think his complaints about not selling as much candy as he expected can wait till work hours. FML

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By Text - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

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By Suckered - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

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By notsurprised - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

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By not mine!

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

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By family is bullshit - 6/6/2021 08:01

Choose your family

Today, I've been guilt tripped, ranted at, called names, ostracized and told what a horrible person I am for, "turning my back on family." My former brother is in jail for unspeakable crimes, yet somehow I’m the bad guy for not standing by and supporting him or offering to help pay for a lawyer. FML

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By Poor Student - Canada

Today, my mother "borrowed" money from my stash to help pay for her vacation to the Dominican Republic. The same trip I'm not allowed to go on. FML

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By Marc - Hong Kong - Tsuen Wan

Today, it's been almost 2 months since I moved into my new place, and it's the first time a girl has slept in my bed. I also slept on my new couch for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML

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By rofld - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By janegeorge - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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By textraped - United States

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By JP - Italy

Today, I went to the bank to make a withdrawal in order to celebrate my last day here in Italy with my friends. Apparently I'm overdrawn by 187 dollars so I'm eating nothing but leftover stale crackers to survive until I get free plane food on my way back home. FML

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By anugla - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

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By Murlocmurk - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

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By Sammy - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

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By Her - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

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By Sleeping Beauty - United States - Jamestown

Lookin' good

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

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By Humbug - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

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By fmylife. - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

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By disgusting - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

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By SowhatshouldIdo - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I handed in my resignation letter after over 3 and a half years working at the company. My manager is angry with me, since we returned from an overseas business trip yesterday and why didn't I inform her before the trip. She now wants me to pay all costs of trip before leaving the job. FML

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By Sfg_926 - United States - Newberg

Boundaries

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

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By Sam - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

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Top comments

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6604800 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:30

The student is supposed to put there blood sweat and tears into there work, not you

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6604796 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:28

Yikes! I'm sure your student will understand. Just make sure to clean up the area very well. Blood is a biohazard!

COMMENTS

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6604796 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:28

Yikes! I'm sure your student will understand. Just make sure to clean up the area very well. Blood is a biohazard!

By maharb01 | 17

#6604797 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:29

I've heard of bleeding all over a paper, but you really took it to the next level!

By DrafteeSelf | 24

#6604798 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:29

What a bloody situation

...sorry i had to

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6604832 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:26

did someone threaten you if you didn't?

Reply

TigranPet | 24

#6605104 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:53

How does that even make sense?

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6605247 - Saturday 14 May 2016 1:53

What a bloody aweful comment

m8

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6604800 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:30

The student is supposed to put there blood sweat and tears into there work, not you

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6604801 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:31

*their both times...

Reply

MamaChey | 22

#6605066 - Friday 13 May 2016 19:51

Thank you Captain Grammar. That's the best response you could come up with?

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6605101 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:46

That's the only response that's needed

Reply

emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6605190 - Friday 13 May 2016 23:55

You need to put some blood, sweat, and tears into your grammar.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6604804 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:37

You have redefined the phrase "blood work"

By Mathalamus | 24

#6604809 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:40

they all look like a horrific murder scene. :P

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6604813 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:44

Please tell me that you teach PSY 300 and that you left the blood on the desk and wall to study the student's reactions when they come in with questions.

By kuffis | 10

#6604815 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:49

Nose bleeding - now that's a novel excuse after getting caught in the act. What was your motive for killing the student?

By buckdharma | 36

#6604835 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:29

That paper has A+ all over it.

Reply

SleepyPharma | 21

#6605083 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:12

I applaud you, very clever!

Reply

wishy95 | 6

#6605340 - Saturday 14 May 2016 5:16

You just made my day lol

By Soniarita | 18

#6604893 - Friday 13 May 2016 15:23

Just say you were decorating for friday the 13th lol. But on a serious note that sucks hope the cleaning up wasnt too difficult