Miscellaneous: Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment... - FML

By the bleeder

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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Mr Sensitivity

What a catch

Side effects

By tammy999 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I had to take my little brother to the pool. He acted like a brat the whole time, and when I told him we were leaving, he ran away, slipped, and hit his face on the tile floor. He told my dad and step-mom I punched him. They believed him, and I'm grounded for two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Catanzaro

Today, while shaving my nether regions, I slipped and sliced myself in three separate places. They won't completely stop bleeding. I'm virtually having a second period, and it hurts to close my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

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By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

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By brhorton02 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By notmuchfun - United States

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

There's no helping some people

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

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By Old and Ugly - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By Cali girl - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Showtime

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

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By - United States

Today, my cousin got hired after six days of job-hunting. I graduated from university six months ago and haven't even scored a single interview; he's a deadbeat junkie who just got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indiana

Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

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By Biggest Jerk - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

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By idontgetit - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

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By HamHanded

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

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By R_Horsefeet - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

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By guest - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By Ugh - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

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By ehbe - France

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 10:01

Bonjour!

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

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By Lovesucks - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

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By BG1059 - United States - Irving

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

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By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

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By soulaar - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By uncleaning - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

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By MiserableMan - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML

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Top comments

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6604800 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:30

The student is supposed to put there blood sweat and tears into there work, not you

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6604796 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:28

Yikes! I'm sure your student will understand. Just make sure to clean up the area very well. Blood is a biohazard!

COMMENTS

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6604796 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:28

Yikes! I'm sure your student will understand. Just make sure to clean up the area very well. Blood is a biohazard!

By maharb01 | 17

#6604797 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:29

I've heard of bleeding all over a paper, but you really took it to the next level!

By DrafteeSelf | 24

#6604798 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:29

What a bloody situation

...sorry i had to

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6604832 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:26

did someone threaten you if you didn't?

Reply

TigranPet | 24

#6605104 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:53

How does that even make sense?

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6605247 - Saturday 14 May 2016 1:53

What a bloody aweful comment

m8

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6604800 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:30

The student is supposed to put there blood sweat and tears into there work, not you

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6604801 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:31

*their both times...

Reply

MamaChey | 22

#6605066 - Friday 13 May 2016 19:51

Thank you Captain Grammar. That's the best response you could come up with?

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6605101 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:46

That's the only response that's needed

Reply

emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6605190 - Friday 13 May 2016 23:55

You need to put some blood, sweat, and tears into your grammar.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6604804 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:37

You have redefined the phrase "blood work"

By Mathalamus | 24

#6604809 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:40

they all look like a horrific murder scene. :P

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6604813 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:44

Please tell me that you teach PSY 300 and that you left the blood on the desk and wall to study the student's reactions when they come in with questions.

By kuffis | 9

#6604815 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:49

Nose bleeding - now that's a novel excuse after getting caught in the act. What was your motive for killing the student?

By buckdharma | 36

#6604835 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:29

That paper has A+ all over it.

Reply

SleepyPharma | 21

#6605083 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:12

I applaud you, very clever!

Reply

wishy95 | 6

#6605340 - Saturday 14 May 2016 5:16

You just made my day lol

By Soniarita | 18

#6604893 - Friday 13 May 2016 15:23

Just say you were decorating for friday the 13th lol. But on a serious note that sucks hope the cleaning up wasnt too difficult