Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment... - FML

By the bleeder - 13/5/2016 05:05

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15177

You deserved it

1402

Tweet

Share

Season finale

Spread the news

Non-baby fever

By samantha - 17/8/2019 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1888

You deserved it

173

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35837

You deserved it

6992

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 00:04

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13768

You deserved it

1306

Tweet

Share

By danman - 14/4/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46552

You deserved it

4226

Tweet

Share

By khaelian - 11/11/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27862

You deserved it

4064

Tweet

Share

By Amy - 6/3/2020 07:00

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1474

You deserved it

140

Tweet

Share

By I hate Walmart???? - 24/2/2014 09:36 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

I agree, your life sucks

17880

You deserved it

41498

Tweet

Share

By carebear1228 - 1/7/2014 17:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55906

You deserved it

4746

Tweet

Share

By wtf - 24/10/2011 22:46 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents staged a family intervention and gave me the grandest bollocking I've ever experienced in all my 22 years of life. They did this because my sister showed them a photo of me jokingly posing with three bottles of Bud Light at a party. Apparently, I'm an alcoholic in denial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28949

You deserved it

4916

Tweet

Share

By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2748

You deserved it

1237

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26033

You deserved it

2887

Tweet

Share

By Coldsnap - 12/8/2011 17:25 - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35708

You deserved it

4991

Tweet

Share

By cmore - 11/3/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36779

You deserved it

5599

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 22:36

Small comforts

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend admitted to having an affair. To comfort me, he said, "But you have bigger boobs, so you have nothing to worry about." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2453

You deserved it

164

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 04:00

Today, I finished hauling all of my possessions from another state, because I was supposed to move in with my girlfriend. I was just waiting to find a job. Almost as soon as my stuff was delivered, she broke up with me and told me to figure out getting it all back by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

157

Tweet

Share

By handyman13 - 25/7/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21861

You deserved it

34041

Tweet

Share

By leftout - 13/5/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13420

You deserved it

28258

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44919

You deserved it

5076

Tweet

Share

By mariah_1_11 - 6/3/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I really like. My friends convinced me that he was going to stand me up and that I should just stay home to avoid being hurt. He showed up; I didn't. My friends laughed at my gullible nature. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13210

You deserved it

41138

Tweet

Share

By buster - 13/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41233

You deserved it

8162

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/2/2010 19:50 - United States

Today, while I was backing out of the my work's parking lot, I hit my boss's truck. While he was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11785

You deserved it

23498

Tweet

Share

By crap - 19/6/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11828

You deserved it

44759

Tweet

Share

By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2204

You deserved it

181

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/11/2017 05:00

Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1539

You deserved it

10136

Tweet

Share

By goodbye-college - 15/8/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51218

You deserved it

5222

Tweet

Share

By browngirl - 29/9/2013 04:16 - Canada - Vernon

Today, at work, a lady came in to have her glasses fixed. When she opened her case, an earwig crawled out. Instead of trying to kill it, she just left it and watched as it crawled over my desk and behind my computer. I later found the earwig in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45752

You deserved it

4936

Tweet

Share

By hakuna_matata - 31/12/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21021

You deserved it

8891

Tweet

Share

By sheisselluv - 11/5/2014 20:30 - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48227

You deserved it

4180

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50465

You deserved it

8109

Tweet

Share

By ineedbetterfriends - 15/6/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40533

You deserved it

5709

Tweet

Share

By bubbles - 5/9/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13640

You deserved it

40928

Tweet

Share

By FastFlight - 23/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48067

You deserved it

5040

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 16:00

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

574

Tweet

Share

By traitor - 23/4/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51849

You deserved it

4020

Tweet

Share

By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30734

You deserved it

7330

Tweet

Share

By B1N - 15/4/2019 14:00

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1859

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44680

You deserved it

3273

Tweet

Share

By babydoc - 3/7/2020 23:00

Friendly advice

Today, I visited a friend and her new baby. The baby had a tight constrictive headband and a clearly wet cloth nappy on. I tried to give some friendly advice on why this was bad, but she shot me down, saying what would I know, I don't have a kid. She's 17 and I'm a 26-year-old practicing midwife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1715

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

By sassman - 1/12/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46589

You deserved it

4258

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46617

You deserved it

8147

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6604800 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:30

The student is supposed to put there blood sweat and tears into there work, not you

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6604796 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:28

Yikes! I'm sure your student will understand. Just make sure to clean up the area very well. Blood is a biohazard!

COMMENTS

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6604796 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:28

Yikes! I'm sure your student will understand. Just make sure to clean up the area very well. Blood is a biohazard!

By maharb01 | 17

#6604797 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:29

I've heard of bleeding all over a paper, but you really took it to the next level!

By DrafteeSelf | 24

#6604798 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:29

What a bloody situation

...sorry i had to

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6604832 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:26

did someone threaten you if you didn't?

Reply

TigranPet | 24

#6605104 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:53

How does that even make sense?

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6605247 - Saturday 14 May 2016 1:53

What a bloody aweful comment

m8

By wesleyc2110 | 22

#6604800 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:30

The student is supposed to put there blood sweat and tears into there work, not you

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6604801 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:31

*their both times...

Reply

MamaChey | 22

#6605066 - Friday 13 May 2016 19:51

Thank you Captain Grammar. That's the best response you could come up with?

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6605101 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:46

That's the only response that's needed

Reply

emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6605190 - Friday 13 May 2016 23:55

You need to put some blood, sweat, and tears into your grammar.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6604804 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:37

You have redefined the phrase "blood work"

By Mathalamus | 24

#6604809 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:40

they all look like a horrific murder scene. :P

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6604813 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:44

Please tell me that you teach PSY 300 and that you left the blood on the desk and wall to study the student's reactions when they come in with questions.

By kuffis | 9

#6604815 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:49

Nose bleeding - now that's a novel excuse after getting caught in the act. What was your motive for killing the student?

By buckdharma | 36

#6604835 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:29

That paper has A+ all over it.

Reply

SleepyPharma | 21

#6605083 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:12

I applaud you, very clever!

Reply

wishy95 | 6

#6605340 - Saturday 14 May 2016 5:16

You just made my day lol

By Soniarita | 18

#6604893 - Friday 13 May 2016 15:23

Just say you were decorating for friday the 13th lol. But on a serious note that sucks hope the cleaning up wasnt too difficult