Animals: Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 174

You deserved it 1 489

10/01/2016 09:07

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 974

You deserved it 3 090

Great first impression

Stealth attack

Sounds like a catch

31/12/2015 19:20

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 012

You deserved it 2 404

05/06/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend saw me without make-up for the first time we've been dating for two years. He freaked because he didn't know who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 2 553

29/01/2013 17:41

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 353

You deserved it 10 027

21/03/2015 16:47

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 553

You deserved it 2 713

03/04/2012 02:07

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 715

You deserved it 3 873

06/07/2009 20:27

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 893

You deserved it 3 215

02/04/2015 12:51

Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 980

You deserved it 3 362

02/02/2014 16:53

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 206

You deserved it 8 826

26/12/2018 16:00

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 686

You deserved it 340

13/10/2010 04:12

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 501

You deserved it 3 851

05/02/2012 15:45

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 794

You deserved it 5 046

20/03/2011 23:29

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 756

You deserved it 15 661

02/08/2015 05:19

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 619

You deserved it 3 482

25/02/2010 21:47

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 200

You deserved it 3 598

17/09/2016 04:39

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 077

You deserved it 2 798

02/01/2010 00:09

Today, is January 1st. Last night, I threw a party. Only 3 people came. Luckily, one of the people who came was the love of my life, I had been hoping to get a midnight kiss from him. Unluckly, he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. At my party. They were liplocked almost the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 211

You deserved it 4 513

25/04/2009 06:39

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 688

You deserved it 16 902

On the rocks

By leogs23 - 26/01/2021 10:59

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 614

You deserved it 669

27/07/2010 13:56

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 260

You deserved it 4 046

02/05/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 277

You deserved it 50 311

20/09/2012 04:14

Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 391

You deserved it 28 927

22/06/2016 04:27

Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 904

You deserved it 1 264

01/02/2009 14:41

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 511

You deserved it 3 674

Ah, puppy love…

By Unlovable - 22/07/2019 04:00

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 447

27/03/2015 08:17

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 808

You deserved it 2 872

The hustler

By Anonymous - 23/11/2019 01:00

Today, my boyfriend of six months, who happened to be my first kiss, broke up with me after borrowing 120 dollars. Not twenty minutes later, he was at the bar drinking with my brothers and my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 181

You deserved it 180

19/12/2010 05:41

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 835

You deserved it 36 518

26/02/2010 10:21

Spicy

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 765

You deserved it 4 015

05/05/2019 04:00

Today, I was so desperate for someone to talk to I called various restaurants pretending to be interested in ordering food, just so I could have a conversation. I called eleven different places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 794

20/05/2015 18:47

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 210

You deserved it 2 028

02/04/2013 16:15

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 530

You deserved it 9 288

16/06/2009 09:13

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 656

You deserved it 4 955

10/08/2011 16:12

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 141

You deserved it 23 328

Water, water, everywhere

By Anonymous - 18/05/2020 05:00

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 389

You deserved it 134

02/07/2015 22:31

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 624

You deserved it 2 214

16/02/2017 08:00

Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 315

You deserved it 449

28/02/2014 20:01

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 236

You deserved it 3 645

03/11/2011 17:36

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 516

You deserved it 3 555

23/02/2009 04:05

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my friend who has the same birthday by going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends. The waiter brought out a cake for my friend but not for me. No one noticed my exclusion. I sang happy birthday on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 119

You deserved it 3 911

02/03/2010 09:14

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 547

You deserved it 3 239

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Top comments

michaelm1290 23

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:28

The empty mess on the table clearly showing a dog got into the cake seems like legitimate evidence.

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:28

It's the thought that counts :)

Comments

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:28

It's the thought that counts :)

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Sunday 10 January 2016 19:05

#1 That doesn't apply here when the gesture was meant for someone else who won't believe the OP actually made one.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 10 January 2016 19:53

Did you also wake up earlier the day before to make cinnamon rolls too, only to find they were knocked over and mostly eaten when you came home later that day with your dog sitting happily nearby?...

michaelm1290 23

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:28

The empty mess on the table clearly showing a dog got into the cake seems like legitimate evidence.

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Monday 11 January 2016 8:53

You have never seen a hungry dog, have you? They will lick things to a polish.

sirdannyboy1 20

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:29

At least you made someone happy, OP.

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Sunday 10 January 2016 21:38

Not the target audience, but an audience nonetheless. The dog appreciated it, I'm sure OP!

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Tuesday 12 January 2016 5:45

Just like humans, some dogs are super loyal, and some are just assholes.

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:29

maybe you could put a candle in the puke that your dog will make?! ;D

LilMissCanadian 22

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:41

That's just disgusting.

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Sunday 10 January 2016 19:39

Agreed #9

bigbluetardis 21

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Sunday 10 January 2016 19:40

There's a button for that #25

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Sunday 10 January 2016 20:06

That's funny AND disgusting.

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Tuesday 12 January 2016 3:16

Everyone needs to chill out he was just joking

ChocolateyBacon 18

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:31

Just show him the box of cake mix/ingredients!

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:34

Dogs are notorious eaters... Prolly should have put it up higher.

domolovesyoshi 33

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:54

Put it in the fridge

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Monday 11 January 2016 1:43

Ummm how would putting the dog higher up have helped?

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Monday 11 January 2016 6:49

The cake... I really hope you were kidding

nonsensical 26

Sunday 10 January 2016 17:37

wouldn't there be evidence, like a dirty plate or crumbs? wouldn't the kitchen still smell delicious??! either way I'm sorry for your loss... dogs always get into the good stuff before you even know what's happening!

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:40

I guess you should have taken the cake to his bedroom to wish him, OP. NOT seeing the cake when you returned must certainly have been a surprise for you. Haha. Happy birthday to your son.

PhoenixChick 26

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:44

Surprise cake for breakfast? Will you be MY mom?

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Sunday 10 January 2016 17:55

Dogs are evil. Never trust them!

confused_wandere 26

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Sunday 10 January 2016 23:35

*Cats are evil. Never trust them! Fixed that for you.

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Sunday 10 January 2016 23:54

Haha. Thanks, but I stand by what I said!

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Monday 11 January 2016 1:39

Moskaaa7 makes false claimes, never trust her!

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Monday 11 January 2016 1:50

Had a husky collie mix jump up onto the counter and practically inhale a piping hot made from scratch apple pie just removed from the oven. The filling was too hot to eat and surely hurt and burned the dogs mouth. No way he would have been able to taste it. Lesson learned the hard way . . . by the baker, not by the dog.

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Monday 11 January 2016 17:40

Just teach them not to eat from the table, and never ever feed them table food.