Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because... - FML

By lalibear - 3/5/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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Superficial World

The opposite of a good idea

Time don't heal nothing

By Tristan Brantley - 11/3/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

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By mr.palendrome - 6/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By FailMan - 17/1/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By littlemissgullible - 10/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, "I can't, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor's to find out our baby's sex." FML

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By Yoda - 8/7/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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By nocakeforyou! - 15/3/2011 13:11

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

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By 90 up I-95 - 7/7/2017 20:00 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

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By missmom83 - 24/4/2014 15:28 - United States - Torrington

Today, my toddler found my daughter's recorder from 3rd grade and figured out how to play the highest pitch note. Of course, my daughter pulls out her trombone to have a jam session. And I'm out of ibuprofen. FML

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By Cinderella - 9/7/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By phuckbukket7 - 27/4/2014 22:08 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

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By - 12/1/2017 20:00

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

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By tbreezy - 26/11/2018 14:00

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By Heethersays - 3/7/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

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By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2014 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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By RedEye - 11/7/2017 17:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my contact ripped in half in my eye. One half fell out, but the other half got stuck too far under my eyelid. An hour and $100 later, Urgent Care finally got it. FML

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By Red Face, too - 24/10/2018 13:30

Today, I saw Niagra Falls. Not the one in Canada, but the one that was released when I went to check on my period at work. I had no change of clothes. FML

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By mauimango7 - 27/7/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

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By Augh. - 9/10/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - 29/6/2017 04:00

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By awkward - 26/7/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By oww - 5/9/2015 01:25 - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By kingpin7 - 30/3/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 06:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2011 12:17 - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2020 01:00

It's just me

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 13:30

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

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By Clueless - 21/4/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

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By welcometothefamily - 26/2/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2011 22:28 - United States

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

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By Oh dear... - 20/2/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

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By Jessy - 14/10/2011 11:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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By Jim - 28/3/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By xXfloatingshitlogXx - 3/11/2012 16:04 - Norway - Jessheim

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

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By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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Top comments

By saramarie | 0

#165040 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:31

#3?

By WhyAmUHere | 19

#4777218 - Sunday 5 August 2012 21:32

What?

Comments

By YLIF | 0

#165032 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:29

wow

Reply

nirenna | 6

#1033712 - Thursday 17 June 2010 15:41

hahaha

Reply

Lolerskatez | 0

#1723084 - Friday 19 November 2010 13:17

Halfway there!

By mattiscool | 0

#165033 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:29

lol

By PSmitty4956 | 0

#165037 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:30

you deserve this one for not having a fake ID

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#4777218 - Sunday 5 August 2012 21:32

What?

By saramarie | 0

#165040 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:31

#3?

By tiltwrestler | 0

#165050 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:32

Dogs don't learn just by praise. There has to be a combination of praise, as well as scolding and punishment for doing something wrong. Otherwise he isn't going to learn. You spoil and kiss the puppies ass, and he is just going to shit in your face... or in this case, your house.

You should have yelled "no" or "dont pee" or "bad dog", or something along those lines... shoved the turd in his face... and made him stay outside longer than he wanted to. Next time, he would think twice before shitting in your house. Problem solved :)

By Maddisonboii | 0

#165059 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:33

You should have eaten his poopy.

By elloskipper | 0

#165061 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:33

Aww. My dog did the exact same thing when we were potty training her. :P #5, no need to be so harsh. Potty training a new puppy is hard.

By vt_mruhlin | 0

#165078 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:36

Look at it this way: you're halfway there.

By Spiffy | 0

#165080 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:36

That happened to a friend of mine, but instead her dog crapped all over her feet. She wasn't wearing shoes or socks or anything.

By ReplicasWaifu | 0

#165087 - Sunday 3 May 2009 20:37

#9's friend had a better FML then the OP's.