Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML
Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuckbuddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML
Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML
Today, I realized our life has been lacking in romance lately, so I got a card, a bunch of flowers, and made reservations at a lovely restaurant for a nice evening. When I got home and gave my wife the flowers, all she did was sigh and ask what I "fucked up this time." She also refused to go to dinner. FML
Today, I sent the kids to my parents' house, tidied the house, and made reservations for a fancy restaurant, hoping to surprise my wife. When she got home and I handed her flowers, she sighed and said, "Can you stop with the stupid romance shit? It's embarrassing. We're six years married, not two moonstruck kids." FML
Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML
Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML
Today, on a whim, I bought my wife some flowers on my way home. She put them in a vase then asked me what stupid thing I did that I’m pre-apologising for. She refuses to believe I bought her flowers for any other reason. Man, I must be a really shitty husband. FML
Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited, until I saw they were from a friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML
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Top comments
Nykaen 0
Dude... Leave her, she is worthless. And disown your brother... No man should ever do that to family.
crazyval619 6
Dude that sucks.
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Comments (176)
partygirl1409 0
Bro I'm so sorry and I feel your pain, but the best thing to do is dump her ass. I'm sure its not the first time it happened and I'm sure it won't be the last.
Person1233 13
Heh. 69 people hit YDI. Dirty minds FTW
yawneall 0
I'm getting sick of this whole "today, I learned..." format
ohnoyouDINT 0
Today, I learned that resident FML critics need to get a life.
the_commentator 0
Mm, next they'll be complaining about the "Today," format. Or the FML at the end. tsk.
hbkfitz2 0
you better kick the shit outta him just like when you were young but make sure the pain is 10 fold
AshleyRose784 0
ouch, that's just awful
lifeaveragekinda 0
what happened to bros before hos?
annamg 0
It's bad enough when your partner cheats... even worse when it's with someone close to you. Ditch both their asses, they'll end up splitting and being unhappy and you'll be fancy free!
fourwheelsoffury 0
I dunno about over there, but on this side of the pond that's grounds for a great divorce in your favor in which you lose the cheating ***** and basically leave her with nothing.
Ejvind 0
This is what guns were made for. Pull out either a sawn off or a rifle, and kneecap those hoes. Then, as they cry and bleed on the floor, fire repeatedly in their arms and legs, gag them, and let them bleed to death. Alternatively, mix some cyanide in with water in a deodorant can, just a small amount but enough to kill. Spray it in their faces. Looks like a heart attack. Then dump the bodies in acid, and put the teeth under a tree in your back garden. No evidence, you get off free. Alternatively, divorce works, and disowning him works.
Hanagumo 0
remind me not to piss you off...
Stoner09 0
he's 12. piss him off if you want.
XOfiestypixie 0
No, they will not get off free. If you've seen CSI, you know the cops will find them! kidding. But still, the chances of them actually not getting caught are pretty low...and although I don't know the OP, he would probably have a guilty conscience since he likes to give "spontaneous romantic gestures". =)
fucklifeee 0
You, my friend, are a psychopath.
theanonimouse 0
And a pretty bad one, too. I mean, where do you plan on getting all that acid without alerting the authorities? And believe me, if your wife AND your brother happened to both go missing, you'd be the first person they investigated; especially if anyone knew about their affair, (and we all know no one can actually keep their mouth shut)! Also, why would you even bother to try and make the death seem natural if you planned on destroying the bodies anyway? You need to work on your psycho plan before you go trying to impress people.
OneSadGuy 3
If you truly wish to commit a crime, I you injected Prostaglandin into your brother/and or wife, although it would be suspicious if both died. Prostaglanding is a natural body substance, that in excess causes a heart attack, but even after death, your body will continue to build it off. As for the small injection wound, either find a way to scratch him with your wifes DNA, or make a small cut, making it look like a work accident, not an uncommon thing in males. As for your wife, I suggest you either blame the case on her, by setting everything up nicely to look as though she did, so she can spend some jail time with some She-Males, or you redo the procedure, although it is rather unlikely that two people die of a heart attack during sex (Which would be the only way to even remotely relate the simultaneous cases of death) That or you just say **** it, go to a bar, meet the nicest and sweetest girl, marry her, have children and live the Happiest life you could ever imagine, just make sure your cousin doesn't get his hands on her. And no, I'm not Psycho, I'm a very peaceful person, this is just me trying to sound smart while preparing to write my stories ^^
youretoopicky 0
Who are the stupid idiots that say "You deserved that" when it is clear that they didn't? I hate those people!
ItsJustMe1616 26
For the life of me I cannot figure out why there are always a gang of people who say YDI, no matter what the FML is. I know I sometimes click the wrong one on accident (cause I use the app), but going through the comments you see the people who say some dumb crap about why they deserve it. i.e. this FML had someone say "YDI for marrying a ***** tho" like what? People never cease to amaze me...