Miscellaneous: Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way... - FML

By americanized - 22/11/2010 15:25 - Denmark

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 944

You deserved it 4 138

Good kid

Hot lava from both ends

The client is always right

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 333

You deserved it 883

By Anonymous - 17/04/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 084

You deserved it 3 964

By IVOaf - 26/02/2014 20:55 - United States

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 509

You deserved it 4 845

By i have failed so very badly - 07/04/2017 18:51 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 807

You deserved it 6 960

The joys of motherhood

By Walaa Hamdan - 31/08/2021 04:01

Today, after a 3-day induced delivery for my twins, and after getting stitches down there, I woke up to boobs that are the size of footballs, and still no milk coming out. The pain of chopping them off at this point would be more bearable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 94

Stuck in the middle with you

By Carrie - 28/03/2020 02:00

Today, I had to beg and argue with my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This has become a recurring argument now we're confined together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 261

Fake News

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen-pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 854

You deserved it 4 150

By crap - 24/02/2014 04:01 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was walking a dog at the animal hospital where I work when it pooped out a rag-like object. I told the doctor, who told me to clean it off to see what it was. It was a rainbow-colored thong. We have to give it back to the owner when they pick their dog up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 893

You deserved it 3 217

New, from L'Oréal!

By oompaloompa - 28/10/2019 12:00

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 254

You deserved it 437

By madari - 21/10/2012 23:11 - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 017

You deserved it 2 803

By CanadianEH - 08/11/2016 23:39

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 599

You deserved it 3 195

By changeddaily - 20/03/2011 04:52 - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 400

You deserved it 11 287

By notaguidette - 23/01/2010 19:47 - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 930

You deserved it 37 865

By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 174

You deserved it 50 979

By Adrian James - 09/07/2019 12:00

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 229

Hesitation

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 23:01

Today, I got a great job offer but things are constantly changing at my current position due to COVID. So I was honest and told them I wanted to see what my employer could offer. They took back their offer and gave it to someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 1 623

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 3 623

By Anonymous - 18/03/2011 09:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 4 153

By yerbuagalapagos wonder - 06/02/2009 21:50 - Ecuador

Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished, the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for two minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 421

You deserved it 31 757

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 20:15 - United States - Staten Island

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 081

You deserved it 3 412

By stillloveherthough - 26/02/2016 17:54 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 260

You deserved it 2 010

By waitforit - 23/04/2009 11:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 334

You deserved it 93 567

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 01:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 027

You deserved it 85 133

By noname - 07/11/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 054

You deserved it 2 786

By Anonymous - 30/05/2015 04:23 - United States - Boaz

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 757

You deserved it 3 669

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:35 - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 448

You deserved it 2 798

By bingalingading - 03/01/2015 01:46 - United States - Owosso

Today, my fiancée and I were making plans for our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law chimed in with, "You know, she can still get out of this. I got the dress for her but we can save it for the next guy." I'm not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 606

You deserved it 2 473

Prissy

By barfyshirt - 06/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 890

You deserved it 7 178

By Yudor - 21/12/2008 09:40 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she woke up after yesterday’s party with someone else’s trousers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 407

You deserved it 2 417

By bigmozwoman - 18/09/2015 02:18 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 022

You deserved it 1 735

Why would I do that to me?

By car keyer - 02/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 725

You deserved it 54 392

By MadWorld - 28/08/2016 17:49

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 528

You deserved it 1 264

By Anonymous - 17/09/2014 22:10 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 750

You deserved it 3 369

By Peepants - 03/03/2016 23:03 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 943

You deserved it 4 678

By Pandy1031 - 09/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Crofton

Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 212

You deserved it 383

Weirdo cousin

By notyourbaby - 07/03/2021 19:58

Today, I found out my cousin stole my used pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures the last time she came to visit, and tried to fake a pregnancy. This was two years ago when she stayed at my house. I just found out I'm pregnant again, and guess who just asked to come to stay and "visit"? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 67

By the bad artist - 10/09/2012 00:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 316

You deserved it 2 599

By NickJJ - 16/05/2014 02:34 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 441

You deserved it 18 385

By Unknown - 30/06/2014 01:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 863

You deserved it 7 185

Communication breakdown

By xX_nsn_Xx - 03/02/2012 14:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 484

You deserved it 9 996

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Top comments

LaFemmeQuiRit 3

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:32

OP, do you think you could help me move my couch into this van ?

DDPT2 4

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:36

911: What's you emergency? Guy: I've been mugged! 911: What did they take? Guy: They took my pockets.

Comments

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:09

Stranger Danger!!!!

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:12

This Womens Not My Mother!

jwc93 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:20

your mother is sexxxxy

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:32

ydi for helping people you don't know. What were you thinking!!

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:39

You are not my mother. You are a Snort!

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 2:27

don't worry, be happy

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 4:43

o noez not the ipod touch

monkeyshorts22 4

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 9:24

I agree with 60;) a very potter musical FTW!!!

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Thursday 25 November 2010 4:54

at least you were safe....lol

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Sunday 15 May 2011 5:17

hi

hellyeahmirjam 2

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:11

well that's how pocketstealers (i don't know the word) work

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:19

pickpocket

DDPT2 4

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:36

911: What's you emergency? Guy: I've been mugged! 911: What did they take? Guy: They took my pockets.

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:45

That isn't how pickpockets work; that's how muggers work. Just sayin...

BDTM 0

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 7:59

#16 lol

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Thursday 25 November 2010 4:55

#16 you should be on comedy central because that's funny!!

Rizzen 27

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Friday 24 January 2014 22:05

#69 it wasn't that funny

theFMLiest1ofThe 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:13

do you mean Grand Central Station? maybe they mugged you cause they could tell you weren't from NYC. of course I didn't look at any of your geographic info, so I'm probably just being silly

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:23

yes, your just silly

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:29

Yes you're* just being silly. OP is from Denmark.

theFMLiest1ofThe 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:54

no, I think jezzibell meant that my "just" is silly. after all, that is what she wrote, doc. you shouldn't put words in people's mouths. ;)

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:35

well in that case they forgot the is in "your just IS silly" duh ^.^

theFMLiest1ofThe 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 21:27

#31, I was wondering who was gonna say something about that. actually I think she was using the slang term "just" to mean "justice". so she was calling my justice silly this may be because I use a gavel that squeaks when I bang it on the bench, or because I sometimes sentence offenders to 2 squirts from the water-squirting flower I wear on my lapel instead of handing down jail time. silly indeed.

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Saturday 18 June 2011 16:42

this is exactly why I don't help people.

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:18

karmas finna get those fools, don't worry be happy.

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:21

I'm going to assume you meant gonna, and I agree.

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:31

Actually I was trying to sound black cause some black people say finna.

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:37

Wiggas ftw

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:09

I just think the word finna is funny.

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Monday 22 November 2010 21:59

lmao true black ppl say that alot in Dtown

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Thursday 25 November 2010 4:58

I'm finna rob you wiggas

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:25

Next time don't have your Itouch on display. Oh and give them a fight along with your belongings

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:47

Sarcasm, right? It's hard to tell if you're foolishly telling OP to fight two assailants over things or if you're sarcastically saying that because you know it's terrible advice.

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:38

well if you know Escrima or kung fu or jiujitsu, or be trained in any fight style, it should be like a warm up. No problem ^^

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:28

Ouch iPod touch... Wouldn't have been bad if it was a crappy iPod.

HBoks 7

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Saturday 2 July 2011 20:21

no shit, Sherlock-,-

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:35

People are douche-bags.

Shivermeshamrock 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:46

I never seen so many comments in a row get buried before.

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 2:41

Yes, the trolls are out in force tonight.

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:54

if they stole your i pod touch then how are You one fml

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:40

"I'm a computah... Help, computah."

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Friday 10 February 2012 5:50

Computer, smartphone such as the android

iheartglasses 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:15

What is it with people saying, "Well you shouldn't have had Object X out on display!" The persons wallet was stolen too. Does that mean they were flashing their wallet around? Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, the OP recieved a call during his little tour. Chances are, the muggers found the phone while looking for the wallet. People need to stop acting so ignorant..

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:42

Except it was an iPod, not an iPhone. :]

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 8

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 360

You deserved it 979

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 1 140