Miscellaneous: Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced...

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

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Miscellaneous

Recycling helps

Cloth ears

Poker Face

By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

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By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By I Tried - United States - Burton

Today, I went out clubbing and hit the dance floor, hoping to impress some girls with my moves. All I got was a bunch of weird looks and was told by one girl that I'm the "whitest black guy" she's ever seen. FML

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By anon - United States - Hinesville

Unconditional support

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

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By waterdog - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - High Springs

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By lonestar - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

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By buhknee - United States

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

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By jentown11 - United States

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

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By 504-A1 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By harambae - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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By FlyLikeABird - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML

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By kthx - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By Rach

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

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By poorman - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

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By Jesusman

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By ilovekids? - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

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By superpissed - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By Joshua Diamond - 14/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Ed Sheeran-lite

Today, I phoned my ex, who I only broke up with a week ago. I then told her about the song I'd written about her. I have written a song, but it is shite and I would die of embarrassment if I ever had to play it to her. I’ll have to play it to her and confess my simpy, wet ways. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By illiterate - Australia

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 23:01

It's called fashion Susan, look it up

Today, I thought it'd be funny to give my younger brother a wedgie. I found the thong I thought I'd lost. FML

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By whoknows?! - France

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happens to be my 18 year old sister. FML

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By stonehengeva - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

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By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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By pygmyfrog - 10/12/2020 14:02

Seize the means

Today, I watched a supervisor in our workspace staple an underling's skirt to her shirt, as the supervisor didn't like her wearing a hip-level skirt, despite having no public contact. FML

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By XxmegaronixX - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

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By BigLove - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

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By Disgusted - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

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32147

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By damnthedog - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

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By FML - United States - Pine Bush

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

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Top comments

By IngenuityAbsent | 19

#7387941 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:29

Today, my invisibility stopped working as i entered the girl's locker room. FML

By protoskore | 26

#7387940 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:28

was he completely naked? Invisibility usually doesn't affect your clothes

COMMENTS

By CamBamShamDaMan | 26

#7385658 - Monday 9 January 2017 16:20

You have got to be kidding me....

By Kaylana_fml | 31

#7387932 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:02

He'll make a fine voter in future political elections, that he will.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7387939 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:28

You're kicking him OUT of school?!?! That idiot needs more school!

Lock him in the building and get him after-hours lessons on critical thinking and optics.

By protoskore | 26

#7387940 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:28

was he completely naked? Invisibility usually doesn't affect your clothes

By IngenuityAbsent | 19

#7387941 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:29

Today, my invisibility stopped working as i entered the girl's locker room. FML

By trucker2 | 33

#7387943 - Friday 13 January 2017 18:29

I can see this happening- if he was a special ed, truly mentally challenged kid.....
Time to sign him up for health class-
Could just be a dare....

By Chris Kent | 2

#7387969 - Friday 13 January 2017 19:30

Psych consult and drug screen stat

PurpleMyth | 28

#7388146 - Saturday 14 January 2017 2:33

This seems more like good ok' fashioned dumbassery.

By xx000o | 27

#7388025 - Friday 13 January 2017 21:28

For some mysterious and unknown reasons, I sense Trump involment in this caper.

Arashikage | 18

#7388132 - Saturday 14 January 2017 2:03

Wtf? What does trump have to do with this

jimmyironic | 9

#7388272 - Saturday 14 January 2017 11:10

really? this isn't the place to push your political agenda.

By WeirdUS | 29

#7388034 - Friday 13 January 2017 21:41

I'm invisible no you're just naked. I find it hard to believe anyone sent stupid but considering I've read stories about people getting into fights because of my little pony costumes I believe it and get sad inside.

PurpleMyth | 28

#7388147 - Saturday 14 January 2017 2:35

I think that you might be the one who needs more schooling

By OneFourNine | 9

#7388036 - Friday 13 January 2017 21:42

Today, my post got published on FLM, and I discovered I was the most gullible person this side of the moon. FLM

JackDupp | 11

#7388137 - Saturday 14 January 2017 2:19

What's FLM?