Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he...

By Anonymous

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

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1788

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Let's go girls!

Shark-infested offices

By Red-cheeked

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

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12446

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11820

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40968

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By Koda

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38607

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4659

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By Gahh... - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

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22957

You deserved it

2948

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By kitty - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29753

You deserved it

2991

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27225

You deserved it

2341

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By andjusticeforall - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61535

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4413

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By SadMan - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32343

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7355

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

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14489

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2156

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43016

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4144

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By ugly me - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29319

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3602

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By howaboutthemcarrots - Finland - Laajalahti

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28273

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4164

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By thanks_world - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

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41260

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3139

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By toobroketoprotest

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1682

You deserved it

106

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By snowbunny - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6330

You deserved it

31407

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By gullible - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27873

You deserved it

8548

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By Ouchmybum

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2486

You deserved it

217

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By cakekiller - United States

Today, there was a big cake at the office. I thought it was funny to pretend to push the cute girl in the office into it. She laughed, but then lost her balance and fell forward. Everyone saw. Turns out she’s allergic to coconut, even just the shavings on a cake, and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13716

You deserved it

44519

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By gabbykinz13 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16007

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57004

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By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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55864

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22474

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By light_talker - United States

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML

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23408

You deserved it

17962

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks

859

You deserved it

122

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By sluttyfox

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3013

You deserved it

209

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

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54042

You deserved it

3843

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By Scholar - United States

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37388

You deserved it

6154

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By Nissan_David - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36362

You deserved it

2792

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By Brokeandangry

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2649

You deserved it

285

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum rejected my friend request on Facebook, again. Even my high school friends are friends with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4317

You deserved it

556

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By no new apartment for me - United States - Hagerstown

Today, after more than six years of working my ass off, I finally summoned the courage to ask my boss for a raise. She just chuckled, "I'm gonna need you to eat a dick, John." and stared at me unblinking until I awkwardly left. FML

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51599

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4197

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39717

You deserved it

2982

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48263

You deserved it

7118

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By prisonbitch - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13168

You deserved it

38552

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By lolilovemyboyfriend - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58791

You deserved it

18486

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

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27998

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9881

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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62509

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling abnormally self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on any makeup. The first thing my 7-year-old cousin said when she saw me was, "You look like my pet rat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47542

You deserved it

5358

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By whatismydadthinking - Australia

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

I agree, your life sucks

72344

You deserved it

3305

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By ZombiKilla - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18291

You deserved it

1516

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66693

You deserved it

7303

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By Gustav Fjorder - Switzerland

Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML

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39780

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Top comments

By pins91 | 27

#7801735 - Friday 10 May 2019 16:20

🤷🏼‍♀️ plenty more fish in the sea

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7801763 - Friday 10 May 2019 18:47

There is so much wrong with this comment I don't even know where to begin...

COMMENTS

By pins91 | 27

#7801735 - Friday 10 May 2019 16:20

🤷🏼‍♀️ plenty more fish in the sea

By RichardPencil | 30

#7801746 - Friday 10 May 2019 17:00

You were all talk and the other girl was all action.

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7801778 - Friday 10 May 2019 19:36

Lord people can you stop messing around with jerks. That’s what happens in casual dating and relationships sooo you’re not really gonna find a quality stand up person 🤷‍♀️

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7801851 - Saturday 11 May 2019 1:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By tounces7 | 27

#7804081 - Sunday 19 May 2019 0:43

So he's a player. Upgrade your standards.