Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping...

By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

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Fairytale ending

Everyone's an expert

You snooze, you lose

By back to cock-hunting - 15/11/2014 19:58 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

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By TooShort - 3/5/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

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By monkeywrench - 30/8/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By silkytaco - 17/2/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

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By NeverLookingAgain - 30/12/2016 04:16 - United States

Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML

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By Curt - 6/9/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 14:05 - South Africa

Pragmatic

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

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By Natalie - 14/7/2012 16:46 - United States - Odessa

Today, my father, who's never played much part in my life, told me how proud he is of me. I choked back tears, and we hugged for the first time in years. Later, I choked back my rage when I saw he'd opened my mail and obviously planned on leeching my new-found SSI money off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

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By RogerReady - 31/1/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By Wobblefat - 14/12/2016 13:16

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

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By Ketchup - 22/6/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

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By sobusy - 25/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2016 17:17

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:13 - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By JamesK - 15/12/2016 23:23

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

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By fart - 27/11/2014 15:13 - United States - Houghton Lake

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

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By ManderDander - 5/9/2015 18:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

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By failatboys - 14/6/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML

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By thathottchickk - 13/12/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By Nickname - 27/8/2018 06:00

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

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By RazorBumps - 16/12/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I have "crotch acne". When I attempted to explain that I have razor bumps from shaving, he got mad and said I was lying and insecure about my obvious facial and bodily acne problem. FML

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By syl - 11/2/2010 06:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2013 21:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

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By Kath - 8/2/2009 13:55 - Poland

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

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By ToddesPizza - 20/8/2015 01:00 - United States - Coos Bay

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

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By Deadfish - 26/7/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 08:00

What a tool

Today, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me for the first time in years, because of the whole Covid-19 situation. Did he want to make sure I am okay? No. In fact, he didn't even ask about me. He just seemed to consider this the perfect opportunity to patronize me some more, and felt the need to tell me to "keep calm." FML

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By crakbbyaparently - 31/1/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

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By banj0 - 6/10/2012 22:58 - United States - Madison

Today, I had to pry my sister's used tampon out from between my dog's jaws. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:21 - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By upupandaway - 30/1/2012 23:51 - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 16:00

Hairline fracture

Today, I ended things with the love of my life. I kept my composure the entire conversation, and was even fine when I got home. It wasn't until I was showering at night and found one of his hairs in my butt crack that I lost it. FML

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By Anon - 30/4/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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By I need cuddles - 26/8/2019 20:00

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

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By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 13:33 - Germany

Today, I worked in a clinic as a intern. A nurse was called to dry a woman's hair. I followed her, trying to be a good intern. After the nurse was done, the 72 year old woman took off her bathrobe. While looking at me she sat down, her legs wide open. And, yes, she knew she was naked. FML

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Top comments

By 399 | 41

#7388001 - Friday 13 January 2017 20:22

So, what were you laughing at OP?

By FrozenMusic | 26

#7388021 - Friday 13 January 2017 21:13

Laughter isn't always the best medicine

COMMENTS

By 399 | 41

#7388001 - Friday 13 January 2017 20:22

So, what were you laughing at OP?

Diveafall | 3

#7388194 - Saturday 14 January 2017 7:13

your profile pic ?

By FrozenMusic | 26

#7388021 - Friday 13 January 2017 21:13

Laughter isn't always the best medicine

By chirstinap325 | 21

#7388026 - Friday 13 January 2017 21:28

That's what you get for faking that someone's funny when they aren't lol

By Diveafall | 3

#7388193 - Saturday 14 January 2017 7:12

This was funny at least xD