Miscellaneous: Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal...

By Anon - 04/12/2015 07:14 - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 021

You deserved it 1 685

Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Long time gone

Shitpants blues

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 04:03

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 4 870

By Anonymous - 01/08/2012 23:31 - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 572

You deserved it 17 704

Parental advice

By Anonymous - 09/09/2021 07:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my brother and his wife, who is 6 months pregnant, disturbed our boring family vacation by having really loud sex. Our Mother then began a sentence aimed at me that started with, "I think if you showed more enthusiasm…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 102

You deserved it 148

By lol - 06/12/2009 14:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 711

You deserved it 4 002

Addicted

By oddgrrl99 - 23/07/2013 22:42 - United States - Portage

Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 405

You deserved it 4 715

By TheBuster - 05/09/2017 01:30

Today, I surprised my wife with a spa day during our mini vacation with the kids. I booked her a facial and mani/pedi at the resort, figuring I would take the kids while she relaxed. Her reaction? "I hate the spa. Why would you waste that money? I'm not going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 371

You deserved it 706

By killerxdeagles - 23/12/2014 02:22 - United States - Wichita

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 463

You deserved it 3 080

By Anon - 23/07/2017 05:00

Today, I went camping. The night was calm and quiet, so we went to our separate tents to sleep. I closed my eyes, listening to the distant waves and my father playing porn in the tent beside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 023

You deserved it 444

By biblepain - 28/03/2015 02:12 - United States - Tucson

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 232

You deserved it 2 207

By TooQuick - 27/04/2016 12:19 - Mozambique - Maputo

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 833

You deserved it 2 734

By haappynewyear - 01/01/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 933

You deserved it 6 070

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

By Anonymous - 06/08/2020 02:01

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 22:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 270

You deserved it 5 013

By "mysteryguy3039" - 07/08/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend gave me a two weeks' notice for our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 644

You deserved it 357

By Alissa - 29/06/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 678

You deserved it 6 893

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 064

You deserved it 3 461

By thatsnotacat - 21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 444

You deserved it 3 339

It's complicated

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 22:02 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my partner of 5 years broke up with me via text. We were talking about starting a family just last week. We have a foster puppy together and moved into a new house a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 82

By nocanhaz - 16/08/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 592

You deserved it 49 700

Entitled

By anonymous - 14/11/2020 06:57 - United States - Irving

Today, where I work at a pharmacy, we were short staffed and running 4 hours behind. A lady came to drop off a new prescription. When I explained to her the wait time, she called the patient. I heard ,"No, they don't look busy." Like, really? FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 64

By scarredforlife - 16/06/2013 23:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 382

You deserved it 5 017

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 945

You deserved it 3 026

By cocacoola - 11/07/2011 14:24 - Iceland

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 684

You deserved it 4 296

By misc - 20/11/2010 10:40 - Australia

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 661

You deserved it 8 284

It's true, though

By humiliated - 20/03/2016 11:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 002

You deserved it 2 332

By jsyn - 09/11/2013 23:27 - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 026

You deserved it 11 938

By thedeadone - 15/07/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 322

You deserved it 194

By thanks_world - 26/12/2013 06:48 - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 288

You deserved it 3 140

DGAF nursing

By Anonymous - 17/11/2021 17:00

Today, my patient was ready to tip over, so I called out for help, but the other nurse didn't even look up from her computer. A tech had to rush over from the end of the room. Is it bad that I wanted to tell the nurse she needs to effing retire? FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 57

By accident - 14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 925

You deserved it 5 786

What a cult

By not the same thing! - 12/10/2021 08:00 - United States

Today, I had an argument with my husband. I’m a stay at home with a 6, 3 and one year-old. He insisted that we homeschool, so I literally never get a break. When I told him I need people to talk to, he replied, "Why? You talk to the kids all day!” God forbid I should interact with other adults. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 144

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 01/09/2020 00:30 - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to my step-mother taking a shower in my bathroom. Of course, this would be fine, if my bathroom wasn't connected to my room and closet, or that I live in an apartment in their back yard, built before she moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 12:00

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 368

You deserved it 338

By anonymous - 06/05/2013 18:08 - United States - Poway

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 378

You deserved it 4 969

By Fred - 06/01/2009 08:28 - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 003

You deserved it 5 461

By Anyonexx0 - 14/04/2015 18:15 - United States - Washington

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 736

You deserved it 3 754

By Anonymous - 24/06/2014 02:26 - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 684

You deserved it 4 746

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 12:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 250

You deserved it 9 270

By Cody1324 - 04/12/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years is better friends with my younger sister and when she has free time to go out and do something, she would rather spend it with her than with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 497

You deserved it 381

By Anonymous - 18/07/2013 19:01 - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 326

You deserved it 6 644

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Top comments

Queen_bee1234 21

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

Some bitches just want to feel important.

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

You obviously took all the same classes so you could stalk her more efficiently*sarcasm font*

Queen_bee1234 21

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

Some bitches just want to feel important.

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

You obviously took all the same classes so you could stalk her more efficiently*sarcasm font*

tantanpanda 26

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Friday 4 December 2015 21:27

Right?! Some people just have no moral principles! Love the font, by the way.

DrafteeSelf 24

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

Plot twist: She was stalking you

Bono363 11

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Friday 4 December 2015 20:05

Reverse Stalking

jake_braves 25

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Friday 4 December 2015 20:43

Exactly 3, and she reported him for stalking so he wouldn't suspect that she's stalking him.

DrafteeSelf 24

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:42

Plot twist: She was stalking you

MangoLoco 22

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:46

Bitches be crazy man

tfriend3 15

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:47

Wow she needs to get over herself. Well at least you didn't get in serious trouble OP, could've been a lot worse.

askullnamedbilly 33

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

soullyfe 33

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Friday 4 December 2015 17:59

#10: If she took the time to notice him in her classes then she should have known that he wasn't simply stalking her if they have similar schedules.

shessohighh 10

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Saturday 5 December 2015 5:57

OP shouldn't have gotten detention just because of someone's dumb paranoia! That is not ok at all.

cheeeksss 29

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Saturday 5 December 2015 6:07

No, #10. It was a matter of the girl jumping to conclusions from paranoia and thinking too highly of herself. OP stated they are at school. Meaning, of course you're going to see the same persons everywhere throughout the day. Kinda how it works when you attend the same school..

Mortoli 30

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Sunday 6 December 2015 2:34

in all honesty I'd prefer suspension lol at least then i wouldnt have to deal with that mess lol and parents would understand your school filled with a bunch of dumbasses lol