Miscellaneous: Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal...

By Anon - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Backstabbing

Teenagers

By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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30978

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By Anonymous - United States

Lonely

Today, I'm a 19 year-old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on Facebook. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

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By Unknown - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

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By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Bye bye

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

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320

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

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49426

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By Anonymous - United States

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I received a $250 ticket when I parked my car, that has the disabled placard, in a handicapped spot at a Wal-Mart. The officer said she watched me get out of the car and walk to store without appearing to be disabled. I'm 59 years old, have a steel rod in my spine and a prosthetic hip. FML

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65156

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By Nic - United States

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

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By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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32176

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By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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2281

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By Benji - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

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10502

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By desperate905 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Monday morning blues

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By worstwaytodumpagirl - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my boyfriend bought me a pair of jeans. I couldn't fit into them, and he reacted to this by saying I've gotten too fat for him, and he can't be with me anymore. I took them off and saw they were a size 4. I've been a size 8 for the past 2 years, and he knows this. FML

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46888

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By CombatShadow45 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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43702

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By skitzobiatch69 - Australia

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

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39547

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By cartrouble - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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31512

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By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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30707

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By Barrel - United States

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

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By Sexless from Texas - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

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28932

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By Username - United States

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Poperinge

Today, my boyfriend broke things off, because he says I have a "horrible, horrible personality" and that I'm only really fuck-buddy material, which is a problem because he wants something long-term. We've been dating for three years. FML

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39076

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By Milly

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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3786

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By dharp7 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

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By baby names

Today, I helped a lady give birth on the train. She was so happy she asked if she could name the baby after me, but as I told her my name she visibly turned her nose up at it, turned to her husband, and suggested naming it after his grandfather instead. FML

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3234

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By loser - United States

Today, while in class, a cute boy came up and asked me for my number. I giggled and wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and told him to call me sometime. He gave me a weird look and walked away. He was asking which number math problem I needed help with. FML

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By nutfreak - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

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By hockusa3 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

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By waterlogged - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

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24848

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By SpiderMan - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, as always, I have a very weak stomach. I'm in Japan right now, and all the unfamiliar foods set me off every time I eat. I can choose between having a great time and starving myself half to death, or sitting in my hotel room all day with stomach pains and diarrhea. FML

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24634

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Fair enough

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 11:01

Classic switcheroo

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

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By archer - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend who has just returned from his 3 month placement abroad cancelled our date. Why? Because there was a match England vs Germany. A friendly match. FML

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27613

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By callerid - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By FuckYou - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

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8632

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

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10891

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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7897

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hornsby

The appearance

Today, I find why my long term boyfriend has not been interested in sex for the last 3 months. It’s because I’m fat. While I could probably lose a few, I am not obese and I am the one that has lead healthy eating and exercise in our house. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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Top comments

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6477284 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

Some bitches just want to feel important.

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6477286 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

You obviously took all the same classes so you could stalk her more efficiently*sarcasm font*

COMMENTS

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6477284 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

Some bitches just want to feel important.

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6477286 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

You obviously took all the same classes so you could stalk her more efficiently*sarcasm font*

tantanpanda | 26

#6477403 - Friday 4 December 2015 21:27

Right?! Some people just have no moral principles! Love the font, by the way.

By DrafteeSelf | 24

#6477287 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:41

Plot twist: She was stalking you

Bono363 | 11

#6477378 - Friday 4 December 2015 20:05

Reverse Stalking

jake_braves | 25

#6477390 - Friday 4 December 2015 20:43

Exactly 3, and she reported him for stalking so he wouldn't suspect that she's stalking him.

By DrafteeSelf | 24

#6477288 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:42

Plot twist: She was stalking you

By MangoLoco | 22

#6477297 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:46

Bitches be crazy man

By tfriend3 | 15

#6477299 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:47

Wow she needs to get over herself. Well at least you didn't get in serious trouble OP, could've been a lot worse.

askullnamedbilly | 33

#6477303 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

soullyfe | 33

#6477306 - Friday 4 December 2015 17:59

#10: If she took the time to notice him in her classes then she should have known that he wasn't simply stalking her if they have similar schedules.

shessohighh | 10

#6477638 - Saturday 5 December 2015 5:57

OP shouldn't have gotten detention just because of someone's dumb paranoia! That is not ok at all.

cheeeksss | 29

#6477642 - Saturday 5 December 2015 6:07

No, #10. It was a matter of the girl jumping to conclusions from paranoia and thinking too highly of herself. OP stated they are at school. Meaning, of course you're going to see the same persons everywhere throughout the day. Kinda how it works when you attend the same school..

Mortoli | 30

#6478272 - Sunday 6 December 2015 2:34

in all honesty I'd prefer suspension lol at least then i wouldnt have to deal with that mess lol and parents would understand your school filled with a bunch of dumbasses lol