Love: Today, I had to sit through an entire conversation where my sister...

By anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I had to sit through an entire conversation where my sister and her boyfriend sent voice messages to one another, of their farts. FML

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Love

Taking stock

Not the sharpest tool

Bad car day

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

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By bambam - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By Momma - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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By firedlol

Today, I accidentally showed up 5 minutes late for my shift. My boss mercifully declared that I would not be fired if I called my mother and told her I love her. My mom died 11 years ago. FML

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By so so old now - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

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By pretty poly - 10/11/2020 11:01

And today, on Dr Phil…

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

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By Puppy problems - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By climber

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

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By ineedalifekay - Canada

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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By Dirtyrice - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By Dia - 2/5/2021 05:01

You went too far

Today, I tried to prank my brother with the butter floor prank after coming back from work. As a result, my brother stepped out of ER with an arm cast, stitches on his head and a neck collar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me explaining that he is getting married this weekend to a woman he met on Craigslist. Why? Because I won't marry him, and he'll make an extra thousand dollars per month having a wife since he is in the army. FML

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By ikungfuyou - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

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By fmylifegirl - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By TotallyDeservedIt - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

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By fuck you - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

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By pyrogypsy - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By pothole - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 14:01

Great family you've got there

Today, my wife, who recently had cancer, made an offhand comment that my 30-year-old sister took offense to. Instead of saying something, she went and called our parents. My dad then called and yelled at me for 5 minutes about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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By LadyDeadpool88 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

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By anonymouschicka - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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By Banker - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By struckbystarzz - United States - Taunton

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got dragged along to a family dinner. Some idiot invited my douchebag vegan uncle, who spent half the night making condescending remarks and lecturing us on how disgusting it was to have steak on offer at the table. A fistfight eventually erupted, and the cops were called. FML

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By fuckingbeliebers - United States - Gorham

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

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By Lordy - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 23:00

Bad actor

Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

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By kate9871

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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Top comments

By Khepre | 22

#6367155 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:15

That is true love right there.

By foreverfmls | 10

#6367154 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:14

Well... At least they're comfortable with each other!

COMMENTS

By foreverfmls | 10

#6367154 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:14

Well... At least they're comfortable with each other!

shessohighh | 10

#6367693 - Saturday 1 August 2015 0:32

#relationshipgoals

punwpa | 12

#6368987 - Sunday 2 August 2015 14:04

#relationshitgoals

chaylea | 19

#6440335 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 23:51

#54 I see what you did there

By Khepre | 22

#6367155 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:15

That is true love right there.

By echarlotte | 19

#6367156 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:15

Close relationship?

Murilirum | 23

#6367462 - Friday 31 July 2015 18:47

Airtight

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6367535 - Friday 31 July 2015 19:49

You, sir, are brilliant.

By GrinchFu1 | 27

#6367158 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:16

I tried to fart into my phone using the talk to text feature and nothing happened. I'm a little disappointed. Anyway, *fart noise.*

By samuelreza | 9

#6367159 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:16

that stinks man

By AGhost5445 | 25

#6367161 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:20

Join in and make it a group message

By DerrickJames | 33

#6367162 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:24

In what scenario would you have to sit through that? Stuck in a car?

chuchusheep | 19

#6367358 - Friday 31 July 2015 17:16

if they were stuck in a car with the two, that would be a pretty bad scenario in more ways than one.

By RarityRoyale | 17

#6367164 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:30

And who says that romance is dead...

By aylind | 18

#6367166 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:35

Don't be jealous op. You'll find someone to do that with someday as well :p

By abNormal62 | 23

#6367168 - Friday 31 July 2015 11:42

Sounds like a gas...