By smelly asses - 17/9/2020 07:50

Skidmarks

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1077

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170

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Taking stock

Our house, in the middle of our street

Countdown

By hopelesscollegechick - United States - Alexander City

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52985

You deserved it

5978

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By oops - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34124

You deserved it

4500

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32467

You deserved it

3710

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49792

You deserved it

8022

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By Arsinoe - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32806

You deserved it

2610

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17626

You deserved it

45123

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By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7761

You deserved it

55358

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By Emily - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23080

You deserved it

1979

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1757

You deserved it

432

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36690

You deserved it

6086

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By Jobless - United States

Today, my 16 yr old cousin needed help making a job resume so I give him mine to see as an example. He changed my name to his and it got him a job right away. The sad part? I handed my resume out to about 30 places and I am still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44884

You deserved it

4326

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By chaoticnh - Austria

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30135

You deserved it

12587

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By tortureromoretorture - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23194

You deserved it

1664

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By Michael

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4614

You deserved it

309

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By - France

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13403

You deserved it

31390

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By flexibleflatulance - United States

Today, before class I was trying to prove I can twist myself like the people on the front of my anatomy textbook, I got onto a table and twisted my ankles behind my head. Everyone seemed impressed until I farted so loudly that it echoed in the hallway. I couldn't get my legs unstuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17940

You deserved it

49598

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52130

You deserved it

5526

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37626

You deserved it

2591

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Toilet training

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26261

You deserved it

2747

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By WasteOMoney - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44641

You deserved it

6222

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By kiwi2323 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29297

You deserved it

3327

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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Misleading

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55906

You deserved it

6480

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By emeraldapostle

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1657

You deserved it

241

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By bloated - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9746

You deserved it

2500

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By fmlfmboyfriendah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40801

You deserved it

19838

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By bonertoolong - United States

Today, I tried to teach my dog tricks. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I physically showed my dog how to roll, so I rolled on the floor in front of my dog. My sister recorded me and posted it on Facebook. Now everyone thinks I'm an idiot and my dog still can't roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18496

You deserved it

24007

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By cgold - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89082

You deserved it

8807

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By merrr - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43025

You deserved it

13772

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By Freebie - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4687

You deserved it

344

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By now have a cat - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47718

You deserved it

3944

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By madaskueuchiha - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68713

You deserved it

3868

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By I'm donnnneeee - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26486

You deserved it

2411

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

I agree, your life sucks

800

You deserved it

106

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By Stacy - United States

Busted

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in and there was a note that said, "Stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33727

You deserved it

121361

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By Urinator - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27622

You deserved it

1897

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By Anonymous

Alone

Today, I was feeling really down and decided to text a friend to vent to someone about it. Then I realized, I don’t have any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1953

You deserved it

285

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By ZAS - Canada - Toronto

Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27183

You deserved it

2047

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By sabrinatarmine_ - United States - Carmel Valley

Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52545

You deserved it

4046

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By fmylifebigtime - United States

Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45416

You deserved it

3460

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By ... - France

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32447

You deserved it

2223

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Top comments

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7938831 - Thursday 17 September 2020 8:28

Why are you doing the laundry of a grown man who shat himself? The real FML is not standing up for yourself

By BigSissy | 14

#7938822 - Thursday 17 September 2020 8:08

You could have said no…

COMMENTS

By BigSissy | 14

#7938822 - Thursday 17 September 2020 8:08

You could have said no…

By Yolanda Patrice Evans | 17

#7938825 - Thursday 17 September 2020 8:15

Are you not an adult and parent or did I miss something? Speak your mind and find a solution, complaining to us about shit you have the power to change is ridiculous

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7938831 - Thursday 17 September 2020 8:28

Why are you doing the laundry of a grown man who shat himself? The real FML is not standing up for yourself

By RichardPencil | 30

#7938832 - Thursday 17 September 2020 8:28

My guess is: Your husband and daughter.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7938927 - Thursday 17 September 2020 16:54

In my house they would have done their laundry...

By BigSissy | 14

#7939048 - Friday 18 September 2020 6:36

You could have said no…

By fiat850 | 13

#7939195 - Friday 18 September 2020 20:26

In any war, it's always the mothers who have it worst, dealing with the casualties.