Miscellaneous: Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They...

By monquiqui - 04/07/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 039

You deserved it 3 909

Miscellaneous

Sweet, my ass

Not the sharpest tool

What have you got yourself into?

By bronzemedal97 - 15/06/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 521

You deserved it 3 207

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 18:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 888

You deserved it 3 919

You're probably better off

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 01:58 - United States - Ashburn

Today, after my cheating wife moved out earlier this year, the kids are with her and her family for Thanksgiving. I didn't get a single invite from any of my local family members to Thanksgiving dinner. I had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 317

You deserved it 103

By Rye - 19/02/2009 03:51 - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 748

You deserved it 17 130

By Thatgirl112 - 08/09/2016 03:59 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 939

You deserved it 4 873

Mirror, mirror…

By littlelia - 15/09/2019 14:00

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 115

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 13:34 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 623

You deserved it 7 173

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 16:44 - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 492

You deserved it 4 069

By Christina - 29/06/2012 05:31 - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 371

You deserved it 3 080

By L_lives - 30/05/2015 05:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 402

You deserved it 2 955

By Zephyric - 02/02/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 364

You deserved it 3 463

By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 798

You deserved it 3 095

By mickey1928 - 12/01/2010 13:10

Today, I took my wife and newborn baby girl home from the hospital. While waiting for the elevator, an elderly couple leaned over, saw our baby, and said, "Look, it's the fat kid that was in the nursery." My baby is six and a half pounds, and my wife hasn't stopped crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 866

You deserved it 2 877

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 483

You deserved it 5 660

By Wtf is wrong with her - 30/12/2012 05:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 833

You deserved it 3 736

By Anonymous - 23/07/2013 04:48 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 699

You deserved it 30 519

New relations

By Pat - 22/09/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 304

You deserved it 64

By thestudent - 18/02/2011 09:30 - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 617

You deserved it 20 947

By kingkarnie - 12/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 197

You deserved it 2 948

By khaelian - 11/11/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 897

You deserved it 4 072

By gumchuck - 05/02/2015 21:03 - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 801

You deserved it 16 234

By yoggabe - 18/08/2012 20:34 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 469

You deserved it 2 333

By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 334

You deserved it 4 191

By workwork - 05/08/2019 14:00

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 891

You deserved it 155

Break up

By natrat222 - 26/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 1 058

By Taylor - 02/07/2019 20:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who loves board games, to give me advice on a board game I'm making. I ended up crying in the fetal position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 420

You deserved it 433

Parental approval

By Conor Moreau - 18/08/2020 23:02

Today, I left my favorite hoodie in the kitchen. Not 5 seconds after I left the kitchen to go to my room, I overheard my dad say, "Any chance we can just throw that out before he notices?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 386

By single and unbuggered - 31/07/2015 21:04 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He didn't break down into tears, or say he'd made a huge mistake, or even apologise. No, he just looked up and said "Bugger." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 216

You deserved it 2 256

Lightweight

By Sorry babe - 29/11/2020 08:02 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 197

By Anonymous - 21/02/2012 19:17 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 678

You deserved it 6 362

Medicare for all

By US_Healthcare_Sucks - 30/07/2021 14:01

Today, I went to a doctor's appointment, being concerned about some abnormal swelling and soreness in one of my testicles. They fondled my balls for 20 seconds before saying, "Yeah, that's abnormal. You should probably go get an ultrasound somewhere and maybe take some ibuprofen for the pain. That'll be $265." FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 74

We're in Hell

By Anonymous - 09/08/2021 20:01

Today, it's Monday. I'm living in hangover hell. Work is hell. Moving my head is hell. Did I party all weekend? Yes. Except that it was just me and my cat. Nothing was consumed other than several bottles of wine and tubs of Ben & Jerry's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 317

You deserved it 1 144

By Nofun - 29/08/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was helping my mom pack for our family vacation. We were both talking about how excited we were, when she turns to me and says, "Would you be offended if I asked you not to come? It's just... I want to have fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 955

You deserved it 5 550

By really? - 23/09/2013 02:24 - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 945

You deserved it 4 387

The talk

By airplanes-suck - 21/08/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 257

You deserved it 6 599

By Anonymous - 03/05/2013 16:38 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 167

You deserved it 3 744

By Average Lover - 27/10/2018 03:00

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 620

You deserved it 702

By mannnnn - 08/07/2009 05:21

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 651

You deserved it 6 045

By RosesAreRed - 15/02/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 777

You deserved it 4 384

By killmenow - 03/12/2015 05:33 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 194

You deserved it 2 613

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Top comments

genesisnirvana 11

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:01

your parents are a win.

Andrewlostnow 3

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:04

your lucky all my mom and dad do is purr and meow

genesisnirvana 11

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:01

your parents are a win.

italiangurrl 8

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:05

more like an epic win! :)

Jacobt24 19

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:26

My friends just yell at people for fun when go go driving around (water balloons are fun also)

flawedgenius 6

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:36

epic win? yes in an embarrassing fail/I'm ashamed of my parents kind of way...

Monii_Harlz 11

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Monday 4 July 2011 13:22

don't worry op ! my rents do the same thing LOL

blanquito 1

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Monday 4 July 2011 13:41

They don't understand the concept of doggystyle.

ryno101 3

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Monday 4 July 2011 14:06

one day when I'm a parent, I plan to be like yours, embrace it op, you could have ended up with worse...

dolphincheddar 10

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Monday 4 July 2011 16:16

drop them off at the dog pound so they learn their lesson? or bring them home and put them in a dog cage

ibitehard 9

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Monday 4 July 2011 17:37

Lol I bark at people from my car completely sober, they get soooo scared XD

Das_Judenburg 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 17:38

Prolly 'cause you're fat.

aussie_gemini 5

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Monday 4 July 2011 17:43

lmao 71 usually I'd tell you how much of an ass comment that is... but that caught me off guard so I couldn't help but laugh lol

senseisuncommon 7

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Monday 4 July 2011 18:59

ha. there your bitches now...

senseisuncommon 7

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Monday 4 July 2011 19:01

they're * stupid iPod..

lolwutsameme 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 20:36

Absolutely barking mad!

Angel_Vice 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 22:25

At least they didn't go wee wee wee allthe way home.

zendaddy0 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 23:12

I'm guessing driving really fast next to a stop sign is out of the question?

turkishjew 0

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Monday 25 July 2011 4:18

C-c-c-c-c Combo Breaker

athena3100 9

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:02

i love ur parents!

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Monday 4 July 2011 13:36

haha, in my experiences when parental's age some what mirrors their drunken I.q. tend to be pretty awesome...

FlipInBrosky 4

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Monday 4 July 2011 14:45

"Did somebody say Scooby snacks? Zoinks Scoob!"

whybother8 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 15:41

your parents are the best! you should've joined them.

kitarakya 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 12:38

i barked at a dog the other day. i was sober though.....

Andrewlostnow 3

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:04

your lucky all my mom and dad do is purr and meow

runtodarkness 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:39

you pussy...

xJudii 5

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Monday 4 July 2011 14:42

Cat;)

middletin 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:07

you should've joined them... don't be a party pooper

laurbear12 3

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:39

ya definitely before driving

ambowew 7

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Monday 4 July 2011 13:54

And just leave the car to drive itself home.

afdude87 6

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Monday 4 July 2011 14:48

I'm sure she meant barking but ok..

CEG3 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 17:28

37- In Soviet Russia, the car drives you, so technically if they were in Russia, the whole family can bark out the window :P

middletin 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 22:10

I meant she should bark too and join in... retards!I meant she should bark too and join in... retards!

itsbritneybixchh 0

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Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:17

haha #69 winning!

i3urton 2

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Friday 8 July 2011 6:11

hayyy ;)

FusionCharger27 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:08

woof?

jessiilovee 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:35

someone needs a shock collar... (;

BountyBass 13

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:09

who let the dogs out??!!!!!!! woof woof who who WHO???

raebeglan 7

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:09

i feel your pain.. and it sucks having to be the mature one all the time ... I don't think you were a party pooper

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Monday 4 July 2011 13:44

but if your parents can't be drunk and immature in front of you who can they then?^

hardcoreFML4223 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 16:01

no one cares

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Monday 4 July 2011 18:06

Nobody cares that you don't care. Other then me, stating this obvious fact. Irony? Maybe. Stupidity? Possibly.

erocketship 0

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Tuesday 5 July 2011 2:08

You! sound like the party pooper his parents just don't gv a fck and enjoy their lives.

carameldrizzle 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:09

i wish my parents were that fun

xleanne_aLly 23

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Monday 4 July 2011 18:18

did your tongue piercing hurt a lot? annnd how much was it?

mahomie97 7

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Monday 4 July 2011 19:31

$15.96 plus s&h.(:

ollierobs 0

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Monday 4 July 2011 22:21

A Spanish chick from Canada eh?

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:16

Way to be a creeper #101... even I don't do that. And boy, am I creepy...

ambowew 7

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:12

Are these the other dogs that your great grandmother was talking about?

coolkid_matt 11

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Monday 4 July 2011 12:19

WTF!?! LOL.

Xx_Dakota_xX 1

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Monday 4 July 2011 15:40

y so serious? o.0

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 168

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 737

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