Miscellaneous: Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage... - FML

By Anna - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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Double standards

Keys, how do they work?

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

By human

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

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By my bravado's gonna kill me one day

Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By Kerlane - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

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By Fackwork - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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By Marea90h - 9/12/2020 20:01

Unrelatable

Today, a client hung up on me after calling me "Miss Proper" because I spoke too "clearly" for her. FML

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By anona - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML

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By Anonymous

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gladewater

Bad boy

Today, after weeks of looking for the source of an awful smell in our house, I found out our dog has been climbing over our loft banister, into the attic, and shitting. There were over twenty mounds. It took me almost four hours to clean up, and it still stinks. FML

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By polemania - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

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By Death By Parent - United States

Today, I was browsing the People of Walmart site, chuckling at all the weirdos on there, when I came across a picture of my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

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By Lesbihonest - Australia - Gymea

Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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By CierraJordan - United States

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

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By pk24 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

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By blenderbookf - United States

Today, my dad was completely engrossed in a football game on TV, so, trying to be cute and funny, my mom flashed him. He didn't notice, but I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 21:30

It's the monstaaaaah

Today, a 4 year-old saw me and started crying and screaming like heck. I mean, I knew that I didn't look good, but this is too much. FML

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By love4cheese1197

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

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By Deadendjob

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

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By Anonymous

Complete mockery

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

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By eagerbeaver - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work, when I got bored and started spinning around in my chair for a little fun. As I was spinning, I went to grab my phone. I missed and sent my phone flying, hitting my coworker in the face. My boss witnessed the whole thing. FML

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By pregz - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my dad's work phone went off, and I thought I should go tell him since he's on call. Turns out no matter how you do it, a 47 year old man at one in the morning will think you are a burglar trying to attack him. FML

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By Not So Smart - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

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By Laura

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

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By dumblond - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

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By peacock_mina19 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By fmlmylife - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By Betsydoll - United States

Today, after a tiff with my boyfriend, I said to him, "You could at least PRETEND to love me sometimes." He responded with, "I do pretend to love you!" FML

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By spiderhater - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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By Monika - United States

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

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By minimoonpie - Australia

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

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By gnafron - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

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Top comments

By IngenuityGap | 0

#87348 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:01

The fact that you gave a 3 hour speech on abstinence means you deserved it. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

By Occam | 0

#87363 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:05

More teachers should use this method.

COMMENTS

By IngenuityGap | 0

#87348 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:01

The fact that you gave a 3 hour speech on abstinence means you deserved it. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Reply

Lawzen_Rainbow | 7

#807749 - Friday 29 January 2010 19:06

I agree with number 1 YDI also YDI for dressing slutty

Reply

validus | 0

#1038314 - Monday 21 June 2010 20:13

oh the irony!

Reply

11colio11 | 4

#1092828 - Thursday 15 July 2010 9:39

ydi for giving a speech on abstinance

Reply

nightwing2 | 3

#5021890 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 6:30

Seems like your trying to get them in trouble with the abstinence speech...

Reply

FML_Elle | 17

#5928735 - Monday 28 April 2014 18:47

Why wouldn't they have a man give the speech? If they had a role model to look up to,the chances of them paying attention would be higher. He could also provide reasons why abstinence was beneficial in his life from a male perspective. Even then though, giving a 3 hour speech on abstinence is ridiculous

By i_like_chicks | 0

#87354 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:03

@ #1 haha agree :D

By troubledcrystal | 0

#87361 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:04

I wonder: what kind of program is this/in what capacity were you giving this speech?

By Occam | 0

#87363 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:05

More teachers should use this method.

Reply

kevint9911 | 15

#831878 - Sunday 7 February 2010 2:23

hell ya

Reply

cH1N1chunga | 5

#2341269 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 3:00

what if they are old or fat??

Reply

azarel88 | 11

#6191826 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 5:19

if they are old or fat or god forbid both. they wear a trench coat. don't wanna see the shape tbh

By f__kY_urLif__ | 0

#87364 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:05

how do you miss "a few" buttons? i can understand 1, maybe even 2, but more than that is just asking for it

Reply

flootershy | 7

#5870495 - Thursday 27 February 2014 12:24

How can you leave your fly down, it's the same question

By jhc1175 | 0

#87370 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:07

wow, sorry to say this but those boys were not listening to a thing you had to say.

Reply

IMTHEGREATEST | 0

#969545 - Sunday 28 March 2010 0:30

oh really? I thought I was the only one to notice that... (sarcasm)

By rachel13_fml | 0

#87374 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:08

3 hours? Really.

By piderman13 | 0

#87375 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:08

those lucky boys (;

Reply

tallguy69 | 0

#3890473 - Monday 16 January 2012 4:02

Wow fuck you faggot

By FlyMeToTheMoon | 0

#87377 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:08

Serves you right for giving a speech on abstinence. I'm with number one.

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#87378 - Monday 6 April 2009 20:09

It's ladies like you that make abstinence sound absurd to a boy.