Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically...

By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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Animals

Breaking Badly

Not a cheating!

Great guy

By spiderlady - 21/9/2015 03:00 - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 17:30

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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By sykotoaster - 13/7/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I spend two hours inside a bar talking about how I never worry about my boyfriend cheating on me when he travels for work. Everyone told me I was lucky to have such a great relationship. When we all decided to go out on the patio for a smoke, we saw him making out with someone else. FML

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By dirtyfoot - 18/1/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 12:41 - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

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By Crunchy - 19/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2018 01:30

Today, I spent 900 dollars on a ticket for my boyfriend to visit me and he missed the flight. FML

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By InsultToInjury - 28/12/2018 04:00

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By FirstKiss - 13/7/2009 15:00 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 21:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

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By anonymous - 2/9/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML

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By anonymous - 19/7/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 17:27 - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

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By Blie - 4/9/2018 20:30

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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By gamerlaura - 21/7/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Blaenau-ffestiniog

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 01:04

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By Nicky13Na - 12/9/2017 23:15

Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML

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By Love stinks - 19/8/2013 13:06 - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 23:36 - Canada

Today, I left to go home for Christmas holidays. I got 3 hours away and realised I forgot the presents. Along with the engagement ring I was going to give to my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2010 02:21 - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2014 18:46 - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By Triedtobecool - 6/4/2009 02:22 - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

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By coveholli - 15/11/2014 14:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

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By Girlygal32 - 13/9/2020 08:02 - United States

Contagion

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

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By fuckingbeliebers - 4/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Gorham

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

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By fird - 25/11/2017 15:00

Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML

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By Christinemh329 - 17/2/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

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By Michigan - 5/2/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

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By anon - 8/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

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By RIP - 18/6/2016 23:17 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

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By deservedly - 9/6/2014 16:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

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By cock sauce - 9/6/2012 21:15 - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

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By vicious circle - 22/12/2015 13:08 - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 08:34 - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By - 22/3/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By Forever Alone - 14/6/2016 09:26

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

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By Quasimodo - 18/10/2013 12:40 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I was pushed off of a glacier by a very angry tourist. Why? I work as a glacier guide, and apparently some people find it overly frustrating to be informed that there isn't a café on the glacier. FML

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Top comments

By Brightbulb | 39

#5882431 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:30

It's cat-dog in real life! Maybe you should show him the cartoon, then he will understand it's a dead and impossible concept.

By nancy_rm | 10

#5882434 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:32

I fear for your cat and dog. Good luck with him OP.

COMMENTS

By Brightbulb | 39

#5882431 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:30

It's cat-dog in real life! Maybe you should show him the cartoon, then he will understand it's a dead and impossible concept.

i_h8t_everything | 12

#5882472 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:58

But that might encourage him...

buttcramp | 21

#5882495 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:19

I agree #13. That was one of the best cartoons of my childhood!

Darthbane2007 | 15

#5882557 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:35

a baby was born, and it caused a little stir....

badluckalex | 23

#5882604 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:30

@13. even if it encouraged him its impossible...

LonerTheWolf35 | 8

#5882617 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:52

no blue bug
no three eyed frog
just a feline canine little catdog

CamBen42 | 29

#5882686 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 6:30

Catdog. Catdog!

kaablam | 17

#5883140 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 19:03

FML, I love you guys. You make my day.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#5882433 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:31

A man can dream...

hugozac88 | 22

#5882616 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:51

Is really only just a dream /:]

By nancy_rm | 10

#5882434 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:32

I fear for your cat and dog. Good luck with him OP.

zandalee | 19

#5882797 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:00

This is a man who really needs a hobby.

By TunaFireStarter | 16

#5882438 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:33

If the millions and millions of cats and dogs that have lived together have not been able to mate successfully so far, he isn't going to be the first to get his to do it.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5882936 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:08

Dogs and cats living together....mass hysteria!!!

As for you, OP, maybe you should get one or both of them spayed/neutered so it will be impossible for them to mate with their own species.

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6255471 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 21:16

Actually they can copulate. Small dog big cat. I've seen it. Poor kitty didn't know what she was in for, screamed bloody murder. No kippies but they tied for half an hour. Look at YouTube, there is a video of cat/dog tied together.