Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically...

By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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Animals

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

British Broadcasting Corporation

Assumptions

By medosin - 21/5/2012 12:10 - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

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By JJ - 3/10/2015 07:42 - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By well okay then - 20/5/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

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By period_probs - 16/12/2014 01:23 - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

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By screwed - 8/2/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By unknown - 26/2/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

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By crapules - 23/12/2008 04:18 - France

Today, my boss asked me "can I give you some constructive criticism?". I said yes. He tells me "Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can't figure out why I hired you." FML

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By sleepy - 3/1/2011 02:58 - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By marriedwithfamily - 30/6/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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By namenlos - 27/5/2012 21:53 - Australia

Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML

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By CantPublish - 4/9/2012 22:02 - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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By screw the cat - 24/7/2012 05:10 - United States - South Jordan

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

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By newyorkers - 17/6/2013 12:46 - United States - New York

Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By fml - 13/11/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

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By sophiae123 - 18/1/2015 03:50 - United States - Cadillac

Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML

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By kandi - 4/5/2009 07:34 - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By Dante - 30/11/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

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By NotAGoodDay - 10/8/2016 18:57 - United Kingdom - Sudbury

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

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By fuckit - 31/1/2013 20:27 - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By dickface - 1/4/2016 01:52 - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

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By zl5 - 4/7/2014 23:17 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By m0m - 4/3/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

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By crazymirrors - 28/7/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 17:39 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

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By UGH - 8/4/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By ReComatosed242 - 9/3/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By helprelou - 29/6/2016 22:12 - France - La Chevroli?re

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

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By pasha - 16/5/2015 00:51 - Canada - Beamsville

Today, my overly-clean mum decided to drop by and surprise me by cleaning my house while I was out jogging. She used half a bottle of bleach, and now it hurts to blink, let alone breathe. FML

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By snotface - 23/4/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 04:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By anonymous - 25/1/2016 14:09 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - 17/2/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By imblue42 - 24/6/2015 05:16 - United States

Today, I walked into the dining room to find my mom popping pimples on my dad's back. FML

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By tacky_unrefined - 16/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By killer - 17/7/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I was outside when a mouse ran toward my feet. There was a wall behind me, so I tried to jump over him. He changed course, and I landed on him. It crunched. FML

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By logansowow - 25/8/2016 00:37

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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Top comments

By Brightbulb | 39

#5882431 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:30

It's cat-dog in real life! Maybe you should show him the cartoon, then he will understand it's a dead and impossible concept.

By nancy_rm | 10

#5882434 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:32

I fear for your cat and dog. Good luck with him OP.

Comments

By Brightbulb | 39

#5882431 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:30

It's cat-dog in real life! Maybe you should show him the cartoon, then he will understand it's a dead and impossible concept.

i_h8t_everything | 12

#5882472 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:58

But that might encourage him...

buttcramp | 21

#5882495 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:19

I agree #13. That was one of the best cartoons of my childhood!

Darthbane2007 | 15

#5882557 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:35

a baby was born, and it caused a little stir....

badluckalex | 23

#5882604 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:30

@13. even if it encouraged him its impossible...

LonerTheWolf35 | 8

#5882617 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:52

no blue bug
no three eyed frog
just a feline canine little catdog

CamBen42 | 29

#5882686 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 6:30

Catdog. Catdog!

kaablam | 17

#5883140 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 19:03

FML, I love you guys. You make my day.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#5882433 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:31

A man can dream...

hugozac88 | 22

#5882616 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:51

Is really only just a dream /:]

By nancy_rm | 10

#5882434 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:32

I fear for your cat and dog. Good luck with him OP.

zandalee | 19

#5882797 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:00

This is a man who really needs a hobby.

By TunaFireStarter | 16

#5882438 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:33

If the millions and millions of cats and dogs that have lived together have not been able to mate successfully so far, he isn't going to be the first to get his to do it.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5882936 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:08

Dogs and cats living together....mass hysteria!!!

As for you, OP, maybe you should get one or both of them spayed/neutered so it will be impossible for them to mate with their own species.

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6255471 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 21:16

Actually they can copulate. Small dog big cat. I've seen it. Poor kitty didn't know what she was in for, screamed bloody murder. No kippies but they tied for half an hour. Look at YouTube, there is a video of cat/dog tied together.