Animals: Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically...

By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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Animals

Season finale

The smell detective is on the case

Zoom this, bitches!

By Byron fiddles - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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By Sadmom - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kingman

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

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By DisappointedDaughter

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

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By firefliiez - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By DumbCuntApparently - Netherlands - Hilversum

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By Overprotected - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By Chipper

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

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By henley

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By Mimi - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By h4rdy - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

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By Annoyed Student - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

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By ribbonsundone - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Wolcott

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

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By Caitlin - United States

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

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By itwasntme

It Wasn't Me, by Shaggy

Today, we found out my brother in law cheated on my sister. Somehow they’ve blamed me for the whole incident. I don’t know the guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. In fact I just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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By bestgirlfriend - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

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By Burning Love - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By Jade

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night because I was thirsty. In my groggy state, I grabbed the first bottle of liquid I could find, opened it, and took a sip. It was nail polish remover. FML

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By spit saliva spit

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

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By sh3n-D - Denmark - Herning

Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML

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By volleyballgirl12 - France

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

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By independant - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By FBI1236 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

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By lily_marleen - United States

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up really early before my mom so I could make pancakes for mother's day. I placed everything on a tray and even picked a flower, had a card for her and took it to her bedroom. She said "You shouldn't have, pancakes are fattening." She took one bite and fed the rest to the dogs. FML

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Top comments

By Brightbulb | 39

#5882431 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:30

It's cat-dog in real life! Maybe you should show him the cartoon, then he will understand it's a dead and impossible concept.

By nancy_rm | 10

#5882434 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:32

I fear for your cat and dog. Good luck with him OP.

COMMENTS

By Brightbulb | 39

#5882431 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:30

It's cat-dog in real life! Maybe you should show him the cartoon, then he will understand it's a dead and impossible concept.

i_h8t_everything | 12

#5882472 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:58

But that might encourage him...

buttcramp | 21

#5882495 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 2:19

I agree #13. That was one of the best cartoons of my childhood!

Darthbane2007 | 16

#5882557 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:35

a baby was born, and it caused a little stir....

badluckalex | 23

#5882604 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:30

@13. even if it encouraged him its impossible...

LonerTheWolf35 | 8

#5882617 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:52

no blue bug
no three eyed frog
just a feline canine little catdog

Jared900DUmpling | 30

#5882686 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 6:30

Catdog. Catdog!

kaablam | 17

#5883140 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 19:03

FML, I love you guys. You make my day.

By Comet_Candy | 23

#5882433 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:31

A man can dream...

hugozac88 | 22

#5882616 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:51

Is really only just a dream /:]

By nancy_rm | 10

#5882434 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:32

I fear for your cat and dog. Good luck with him OP.

zandalee | 19

#5882797 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 10:00

This is a man who really needs a hobby.

By TunaFireStarter | 16

#5882438 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 1:33

If the millions and millions of cats and dogs that have lived together have not been able to mate successfully so far, he isn't going to be the first to get his to do it.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5882936 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 14:08

Dogs and cats living together....mass hysteria!!!

As for you, OP, maybe you should get one or both of them spayed/neutered so it will be impossible for them to mate with their own species.

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6255471 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 21:16

Actually they can copulate. Small dog big cat. I've seen it. Poor kitty didn't know what she was in for, screamed bloody murder. No kippies but they tied for half an hour. Look at YouTube, there is a video of cat/dog tied together.