Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband... - FML

By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Fear factor

Creepy

By I.Want.Food. - 19/1/2014 23:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

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By kelly - 21/3/2011 07:07 - Estonia

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I'm coming over for a visit. She answered: 'Why? What do you need? Food? Money? I'm not going to help you! You're a grown woman!' And she hung up. I just found out that I'm pregnant and she was the first person I wanted to share it with. FML

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By - 9/1/2017 23:42

Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2014 22:35 - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

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By UncleRory - 16/5/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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By Foodcomesfirst - 24/11/2009 20:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By norestforthewicked - 2/3/2016 20:41 - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By illenram06 - 11/7/2011 15:37 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

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By lady_jeni - 9/7/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has alzheimers and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

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By Anon - 19/12/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

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By jb100 - 24/7/2015 20:08 - United States - Perryville

Today, as I was working at a bakery, a woman stormed in, cut in front of the line, and began yelling at me. She claimed I didn't give her a sandwich earlier and demanded a refund. She got the refund out of my paycheck, and as she was leaving she muttered, "Ha, works every time." FML

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By rob - 10/12/2010 07:29

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By nearly a crazy lady - 12/8/2013 11:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my OCD manager sprayed my hands with chemicals because I touched the bin while throwing away a piece of paper. My hands are now covered in itchy, unattractive rashes. FML

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By yamuda - 11/5/2016 23:24 - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

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By tacolove69 - 16/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

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By lizzie1833 - 17/3/2012 14:16 - United States

Today, I was laying down in bed when my puppy decided to bite my ear. As I started laughing and pulling him off I noticed one of my $200 earrings got pulled off with it. And now I wait. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 05:24 - United States

Exposure

Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML

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By winneuse - 5/6/2015 02:30 - France - Allennes-les-marais

Today, for the first time since kindergarten, I won! I came first! Yes, I'm first on the waiting list for the M.A. degree I applied to. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

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By Turnipseed3 - 3/5/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

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By Andre - 29/7/2010 10:56 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

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By sadday - 20/11/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By skinny dipper - 21/10/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By ouchy - 30/1/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

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By Gilly - 19/5/2017 18:00

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 21:33 - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

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By mikesok988 - 7/5/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 11:37 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By Hello condoms and lube - 9/2/2016 21:53 - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I learnt what my boss meant when he said he would 'get his revenge on me' for winning a bet. I have to clean all the rooms that currently have a couple staying in it on February 15th. I don't want to work in a hotel anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. Today, I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of it, how to fake an orgasm. FML

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By anonymous - 5/1/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

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By 733yoda - 28/6/2019 00:30

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

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By Escape! - 3/2/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

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By apparentlynotengaged - 4/7/2019 11:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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By soldiergirl - 25/10/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me because he "can't date someone who supports the war". We started dating because he thought I looked cute in my uniform. FML

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By Tori - 30/12/2017 19:00

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

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By GeeTwo - 21/2/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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Top comments

By Luckster | 0

#734377 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

By Vitamin_C | 0

#734500 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

Comments

By Luckster | 0

#734377 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#734547 - Thursday 24 December 2009 16:21

Its because your an unsuperior female

Sorry FYL

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#734676 - Thursday 24 December 2009 18:15

so inferior then?

Reply

sexxxtacy | 0

#734913 - Thursday 24 December 2009 20:51

unsuperior isn't a word pleb. you are fuckin retarded.

Reply

Thunderbender | 2

#735222 - Friday 25 December 2009 0:35

Using the word "unsuperior" makes you inferior

Reply

frikkinhannah | 0

#966808 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:30

So, no one but me noticed he used the wrong 'you're' when calling females inferior?

Just kind of ironic.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#734380 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:06

If that lousy husband is the best you could get, you probably are a bitch.

By BangOut | 2

#734396 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:33

Maybe because of that fact that what your aunt said was not true??

By youthink_fml | 0

#734426 - Thursday 24 December 2009 13:29

Then me thinks maybe you ARE a bitch and YDI, especially since it sounds like you hear it quite a bit.

By jelliebeen | 0

#734445 - Thursday 24 December 2009 13:59

ignore these comments! people are so rude. Your husband was being a jackass.

By randomaccountnam | 0

#734453 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:13

YDI for associating with dog owners.

Reply

aFatFuck | 0

#3083855 - Thursday 11 August 2011 8:37

Good thing you don't have a dog - no one would want TWO bitches living together.
AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

By flashback.miss | 28

#734458 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:27

did the aunt burst out singing? that would be understandable
Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wonna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wonna meet her
They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wonna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wonna meet her
Akon Sexy Bitch lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/akon-sexy-bitch-lyrics.html
They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch

Reply

theeNSP | 0

#3556206 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 0:51

Winning??

By kmhello313 | 0

#734468 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:41

Obviously since he loves dogs so much he sees it as a compliment when you are called a bitch. You should be thanking him!

Reply

Ihavetopee | 0

#735044 - Thursday 24 December 2009 22:50

Win.

Reply

Thunderbender | 2

#735224 - Friday 25 December 2009 0:37

Win X2

By Vitamin_C | 0

#734500 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

By YOULIVETODIE | 0

#734503 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:44

Some respectful husband you have there.