Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband... - FML

By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

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This is fine

A beautiful truck decoration

Great guy

By Lisaa918 - 10/6/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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By Maxime - 20/11/2008 10:19 - France

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 13:58

My new friend

Today, I realized at the train station that every day for a month, I've been waving to a cardboard cut-out of a person in the morning. I thought they were real. They're cardboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Chill out, dude

Today, I was lectured about how emotionally immature I am by someone who, afterwards, promptly threw a chair out of anger. FML

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By Justmyluck - 21/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By lookwhereyasittin - 24/1/2016 17:47 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2014 17:40 - Canada - Windsor

Today, my boyfriend said "You're a real work of art. You know, the abstract kind that no one likes. Anyway, we need to break up." FML

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By helenablitz - 28/8/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

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By wtf - 19/10/2016 12:09 - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 08:02

That's that, then

Today, I walked in on my brother having sex. With my boyfriend. FML

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By abrazama - 2/10/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

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By why me?? - 7/8/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By haters - 9/5/2019 12:00

Today, while in a meeting for work, my boss expressed how much he likes everyone at our site. But before continuing, he looked at me and said, “Everyone but you, that is.” FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By Regina - 3/7/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

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By justjoking - 17/12/2014 01:54 - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 14:00

Scarred

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

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By Emily27 - 20/1/2012 11:56 - United Kingdom

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

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By Abandoned - 15/2/2010 07:28 - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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By Lovenem - 16/2/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML

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By Alex - 13/5/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

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By jigglepuff - 9/2/2014 17:00 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By IJustWantedCheez - 27/9/2016 17:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, while on break from work, I went to the cafeteria and bought cheese cubes. One of my coworkers, who is usually very pleasant, asked to try some and I said yes. She ate all the cheddar cubes in the bowl, which are the only ones I like. I wasted $3 for someone else to eat my food. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:03 - United States - Kenton

Thanks, mom

Today, my mom saw me holding a plant and told me to walk around with it, to replace all of the oxygen I waste. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 14:22 - United States

Today, I took my best friend to an 80's party. She drank too much and ended up puking all over the interior and exterior of my car as well as inside my right legwarmer on the 30 mile trip back home. FML

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By morenita27 - 21/12/2010 01:52 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

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By UnicornWaffles - 24/10/2016 01:38 - United States - Wooster

Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML

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By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

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By alone - 14/2/2012 05:34 - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

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By Muina - 23/10/2015 11:08 - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

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By BeanThereRuinedThat - 22/3/2017 12:00

Bean.

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

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By freshman - 25/3/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

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By jackelking - 25/5/2009 08:33 - United States

Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted to go to their old treehouse. When we got down there, it turned out my friend Cat had forgotten her shoes. Being a gentleman, I lent her my sandals. I then climbed the treehouse, fell out, and got a nail through my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

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By reserved - 22/10/2012 09:01 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

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Top comments

By Luckster | 0

#734377 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

By Vitamin_C | 0

#734500 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

COMMENTS

By Luckster | 0

#734377 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#734547 - Thursday 24 December 2009 16:21

Its because your an unsuperior female

Sorry FYL

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#734676 - Thursday 24 December 2009 18:15

so inferior then?

Reply

sexxxtacy | 0

#734913 - Thursday 24 December 2009 20:51

unsuperior isn't a word pleb. you are fuckin retarded.

Reply

Thunderbender | 2

#735222 - Friday 25 December 2009 0:35

Using the word "unsuperior" makes you inferior

Reply

frikkinhannah | 0

#966808 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:30

So, no one but me noticed he used the wrong 'you're' when calling females inferior?

Just kind of ironic.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#734380 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:06

If that lousy husband is the best you could get, you probably are a bitch.

By BangOut | 2

#734396 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:33

Maybe because of that fact that what your aunt said was not true??

By youthink_fml | 0

#734426 - Thursday 24 December 2009 13:29

Then me thinks maybe you ARE a bitch and YDI, especially since it sounds like you hear it quite a bit.

By jelliebeen | 0

#734445 - Thursday 24 December 2009 13:59

ignore these comments! people are so rude. Your husband was being a jackass.

By randomaccountnam | 0

#734453 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:13

YDI for associating with dog owners.

Reply

aFatFuck | 0

#3083855 - Thursday 11 August 2011 8:37

Good thing you don't have a dog - no one would want TWO bitches living together.
AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

By flashback.miss | 28

#734458 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:27

did the aunt burst out singing? that would be understandable
Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wonna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wonna meet her
They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wonna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wonna meet her
Akon Sexy Bitch lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/akon-sexy-bitch-lyrics.html
They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch

Reply

theeNSP | 0

#3556206 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 0:51

Winning??

By kmhello313 | 0

#734468 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:41

Obviously since he loves dogs so much he sees it as a compliment when you are called a bitch. You should be thanking him!

Reply

Ihavetopee | 0

#735044 - Thursday 24 December 2009 22:50

Win.

Reply

Thunderbender | 2

#735224 - Friday 25 December 2009 0:37

Win X2

By Vitamin_C | 0

#734500 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

By YOULIVETODIE | 0

#734503 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:44

Some respectful husband you have there.