Love: Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband... - FML

By stupid_world - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

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Serious times

The smell detective is on the case

Modern Family

By Rednbumpy

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

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By Breezie - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

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By abi_vet_student - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Uithoorn

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

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By sick in Vegas - United States

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was in the middle of getting a root canal. I managed to warn the dentist that I was going to sneeze, but he didn't manage to get the tools out of my mouth in time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

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By huwauw - United States

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

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By Moody - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

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By diorlove - France

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

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By Gottalovepeople

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By WorryNot - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By BellinaNico - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

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By J - United States - Englewood

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

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By Etyl - Indonesia

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

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By clo_bo

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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By dwood08 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

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By djteller - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

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By Goodtimes

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By SoVeryMonday - Canada

Today, we rearranged the bedroom and my boyfriend and I switched sides of the bed. When the alarm went off, he got confused as to which side the clock was on. Instead of hitting the snooze button like he normally does, he hit me in the face. FML

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By Sleepy head - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

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By neverdrivingagain - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours arguing with my mother, who claimed I shouldn't make a three hour drive because I wouldn't be able to concentrate for that long. I argued that I was a perfectly capable driver, and left. In the last 2 minutes of the journey, I hit a van and messed up the front of my car. FML

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By trooper93 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By mr.palendrome - United States

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

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By pink_cupcakes - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By lifesuck - United States

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

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By wtf fml - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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By "linzi1771" - Canada - Vancouver

Today, in front of my friends, my mom came after me with a pair of tweezers exclaiming "there's just a couple of hairs on your chin that need to be plucked." I'm a 14 year old girl. FML

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By LeoCor

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By gross - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into poison ivy. He ran off saying, "That's for beating me in the race." I've never been in a race, nor have I ever met him. FML

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By Derpina - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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By Teacher - United States - Phoenix

Martha Lucy Queen Jr.

Today, I asked students to identify a woman that made a difference in history. I got several people answering Martin Luther King Jr. These are 9th graders. FML

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Top comments

By Luckster | 0

#734377 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

By Vitamin_C | 0

#734500 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

COMMENTS

By Luckster | 0

#734377 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#734547 - Thursday 24 December 2009 16:21

Its because your an unsuperior female

Sorry FYL

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#734676 - Thursday 24 December 2009 18:15

so inferior then?

Reply

sexxxtacy | 0

#734913 - Thursday 24 December 2009 20:51

unsuperior isn't a word pleb. you are fuckin retarded.

Reply

Thunderbender | 2

#735222 - Friday 25 December 2009 0:35

Using the word "unsuperior" makes you inferior

Reply

frikkinhannah | 0

#966808 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:30

So, no one but me noticed he used the wrong 'you're' when calling females inferior?

Just kind of ironic.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#734380 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:06

If that lousy husband is the best you could get, you probably are a bitch.

By BangOut | 2

#734396 - Thursday 24 December 2009 12:33

Maybe because of that fact that what your aunt said was not true??

By youthink_fml | 0

#734426 - Thursday 24 December 2009 13:29

Then me thinks maybe you ARE a bitch and YDI, especially since it sounds like you hear it quite a bit.

By jelliebeen | 0

#734445 - Thursday 24 December 2009 13:59

ignore these comments! people are so rude. Your husband was being a jackass.

By randomaccountnam | 0

#734453 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:13

YDI for associating with dog owners.

Reply

aFatFuck | 0

#3083855 - Thursday 11 August 2011 8:37

Good thing you don't have a dog - no one would want TWO bitches living together.
AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

By flashback.miss | 28

#734458 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:27

did the aunt burst out singing? that would be understandable
Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wonna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wonna meet her
They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wonna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wonna meet her
Akon Sexy Bitch lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/akon-sexy-bitch-lyrics.html
They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch

Reply

theeNSP | 0

#3556206 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 0:51

Winning??

By kmhello313 | 0

#734468 - Thursday 24 December 2009 14:41

Obviously since he loves dogs so much he sees it as a compliment when you are called a bitch. You should be thanking him!

Reply

Ihavetopee | 0

#735044 - Thursday 24 December 2009 22:50

Win.

Reply

Thunderbender | 2

#735224 - Friday 25 December 2009 0:37

Win X2

By Vitamin_C | 0

#734500 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

By YOULIVETODIE | 0

#734503 - Thursday 24 December 2009 15:44

Some respectful husband you have there.