Love: Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband... - FML

By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 3 723

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Own it

Weird family

By Anonymous - 06/04/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 470

You deserved it 63 492

Let's go girls!

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 23:01

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 134

By babyboomerang - 12/05/2009 11:16 - United States

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 767

You deserved it 6 646

No shot

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 04:01

Today, I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm one of the 0.5% of people who get pregnant after having their tubes tied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 77

By Hannah - 21/12/2010 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 959

You deserved it 7 884

Not now, guys

By Sonofa - 17/05/2013 15:52 - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 156

You deserved it 3 791

Motormouth

By Anonymous - 17/08/2020 17:08

Today, my boyfriend and I were riding in the back seat of his mom’s car and she kept talking at him non-stop. He responded only in grunts. When at some point I informed her that her son had been asleep for several minutes, she just kept on talking to him anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 92

Dash and dine

By Anonymous - 06/09/2020 16:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was on a dinner date. Went really well. She said she was excited to have date number two. It came to paying. I went up to pay. Turned around. She had gone. Number blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 104

By Anonymous - 19/08/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 304

You deserved it 41 081

By Anonymous - 30/03/2014 10:04 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 670

You deserved it 6 884

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 067

You deserved it 37 267

By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 04/07/2013 07:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 302

You deserved it 12 313

By Username - 16/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 622

You deserved it 33 156

By nomorefreehugs - 27/06/2011 23:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 647

You deserved it 41 131

By thebrokentardis - 22/09/2014 06:45 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 586

You deserved it 5 273

By ouch - 15/06/2013 04:48 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 459

You deserved it 4 862

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 922

You deserved it 3 849

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 832

You deserved it 2 314

By embarrassed - 21/07/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 763

You deserved it 117 384

By Magaña.i.am - 16/04/2019 16:00

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 512

By choker - 14/03/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 692

You deserved it 8 258

By sarajj - 29/03/2013 21:36 - United States - Littleton

Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 609

You deserved it 9 242

By pumpkinlover89 - 27/03/2010 08:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 207

You deserved it 10 422

By Albert06 - 14/03/2011 21:26 - France

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120 867

You deserved it 7 293

By Anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 316

You deserved it 2 338

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 483

You deserved it 3 926

Thanks, I'm cured!

By fuauntflo - 07/07/2020 17:01

Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 167

Don't care

By Anonymous - 19/02/2020 01:00

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 1 547

By hnickell93 - 10/12/2012 18:37 - United States - Visalia

Spicy

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 736

You deserved it 12 775

By Anonymous - 30/12/2018 09:00 - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 150

By Anonymous - 06/03/2012 20:41 - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 334

You deserved it 36 314

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 06:35

Spicy

Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 2 876

By go snope yourself - 26/01/2013 21:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 180

You deserved it 8 757

By Maddie - 22/03/2011 15:39

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 441

You deserved it 12 916

By patch91 - 05/04/2011 02:03

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 821

You deserved it 3 163

Brain fog

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 20:01

Today, I was at the dentist and got laughing gas to lessen the anxiety I get from the numbing shots. When I was good and "relaxed", an assistant leaned real close and said, "Open wide." I just stared back at her and widened my eyes. She had to clarify she was talking about my mouth. Duh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 209

By Anonymous - 13/02/2015 16:36 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 583

You deserved it 3 214

Pro gamer move

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 07:04 - France

Today, I wanted to play Among Us for a little distraction. I ended up having a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 204

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 519

You deserved it 84 023

Phantom pooper

By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, all of my roommates were home. I really had to poop all day but the bathroom was being hogged. Once I finally got the chance to go, I guess the toilet didn't flush all the way and I didn't notice. The other roommates loudly asked each other who it was, and they all started loudly taking about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 377

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 12:04

Of course! Animals are more precious than human lives. That's why we give them better birthdays!!

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 16:21

Its because your an unsuperior female Sorry FYL

repyourcliche 0

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 18:15

so inferior then?

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 20:51

unsuperior isn't a word pleb. you are fuckin retarded.

Thunderbender 2

Send a private message

Friday 25 December 2009 0:35

Using the word "unsuperior" makes you inferior

frikkinhannah 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:30

So, no one but me noticed he used the wrong 'you're' when calling females inferior? Just kind of ironic.

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 12:06

If that lousy husband is the best you could get, you probably are a bitch.

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 12:33

Maybe because of that fact that what your aunt said was not true??

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 13:29

Then me thinks maybe you ARE a bitch and YDI, especially since it sounds like you hear it quite a bit.

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 13:59

ignore these comments! people are so rude. Your husband was being a jackass.

randomaccountnam 0

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 14:13

YDI for associating with dog owners.

Send a private message

Thursday 11 August 2011 8:37

Good thing you don't have a dog - no one would want TWO bitches living together. AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

flashback.miss 28

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 14:27

did the aunt burst out singing? that would be understandable Yes I can see her Cause every girl in here wonna be her Oh shes a diva I feel the same and I wonna meet her They say she low down Its just a rumor and I don't believe em They say she needs to slow down The baddest thing around town She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful The way that booty movin I can't take no more Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful Dam girl Dam you'se a sexy bitch A sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch Dam girl Dam you'se a sexy bitch A sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch Dam girl Yes I can see her Cause every girl in here wonna be her Oh shes a diva I feel the same and I wonna meet her Akon Sexy Bitch lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/akon-sexy-bitch-lyrics.html They say she low down Its just a rumor and I don't believe em They say she needs to slow down The baddest thing around town She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful The way that booty movin I can't take no more Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful Dam girl Dam you'se a sexy bitch A sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch Dam girl Dam you'se a sexy bitch A sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch Dam girl Dam you'se a sexy bitch A sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch Dam girl Dam you'se a sexy bitch A sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch Dam you'se a sexy bitch

Send a private message

Tuesday 8 November 2011 0:51

Winning??

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 14:41

Obviously since he loves dogs so much he sees it as a compliment when you are called a bitch. You should be thanking him!

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 22:50

Win.

Thunderbender 2

Send a private message

Friday 25 December 2009 0:37

Win X2

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 15:42

No no, not stupid_world, stupid_you. Why would you not stand up for yourself against people calling you a bitch? If you know your husband is too much of a dick to do it for you, then do it yourself.

Send a private message

Thursday 24 December 2009 15:44

Some respectful husband you have there.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 104

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 254

You deserved it 92