Today, my father told me that because of my 4.0 with all AP classes,... - FML

By Shuntbob - United States - Herriman

Today, my father told me that because of my 4.0 with all AP classes, I could choose where to eat tonight. My stepmother told him I wanted to eat at IKEA, of all places, because that's what she wanted. Guess who he believed, and guess where I am right now. FML

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F is for Family

They're not real

Business school of business school

By Anonymous - United States - Redmond

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

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By broussimousse - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

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By breakinphones - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

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By tortured - United States

Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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By Literal Baby-Daddy - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, my toddler threw a screaming, rampaging fit, because I ate the last chocolate mousse from the fridge. Did I forget to mention said toddler is actually my 52 year old dad? FML

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By Ashley - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Tyr88 - Australia - Blakehurst

The first step is admitting you have a problem: take away is bad for you.

Today, I opened my fridge. It's entire contents: half a takeaway meal and 4 bottles of wine. FML

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By supermanxs1 - United States

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

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By VetTechStudent

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

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By nightowl506 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By issue

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By Sniffles - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By Joshtodon

All in a day's work!

Today, I was unloading tile boxes out of my pickup truck into this lady's garage. As I grabbed the last 50-pound box, a passing bird shat on my forehead. Green ooze ran down my whole face. FML

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By thisucks - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

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By NotRetarded - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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By Home owner.

Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By ROLLY - United States

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

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By dealtit - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By Midge - United States

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

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By youdontknowwho - 10/5/2020 14:00

Forward thinker

Today, my boyfriend took a picture of us together because he wanted to have something to burn when we break up. FML

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By Escape! - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

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By Coffee

Today, I went to Starbucks to get my free birthday coffee and due to a mistake I received two. Thinking it was my lucky day, I hurried off to work. As I was walking in, I tripped and spilt one coffee all over my new dress. Then I walked into a door and spilt the other. FML

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By oooops - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By applegreen - Ireland - Limerick

Today, while getting a breast exam for some suspicious lumps, I was lying on the table with my boobs exposed and I learned my doctor is afraid of wasps. I had to chase the wasp out whilst topless. FML

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By Me - United States - San Francisco

Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML

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By Seriously? - United States - Irvine

Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML

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By rosie21030 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

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By Makusu420 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7586772 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:34

So I guess when you order food, they give you a box full of ingredients and a tiny butter knife?

By marecu | 13

#7586776 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:43

Maybe your stepmom just thought a 4.0 was worth a $4 meal

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7586772 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:34

So I guess when you order food, they give you a box full of ingredients and a tiny butter knife?

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7586773 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:34

*butter knife. Goddamnit me, that is not a question.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#7587164 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 21:53

It works better as a question, honestly.

By LeoCor | 18

#7586774 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:36

Man, parents never believing what their kid says?? That’s so uncommon!

By marecu | 13

#7586776 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:43

Maybe your stepmom just thought a 4.0 was worth a $4 meal

By RichardPencil | 28

#7586777 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:50

Swedish meatballs and lingonberry soda — FTW!

By manb91uk | 22

#7586778 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 1:55

IGUESS you’re FEELINA little bit flat RITEBOUT now?

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7586779 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 2:09

Go celebrate with your friends later and don't invite your dad and especially not your stepmom.

By Notmymonkeysnotmycircus | 16

#7586781 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 2:23

You can eat there? I thought that’s where you bought like furniture and crap?

Reply

acmariner99 | 23

#7586783 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 2:26

Clearly you need to get out more.

Reply

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus | 16

#7586784 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 2:27

There’s no Ikea where I live

Reply

Sinshine | 27

#7586927 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 11:46

I knew there was food at IKEA. I'm just really surprised that people WANT to go there. I thought it's more of a "Ok so we bought furniture and the kids keep whining about being hungry so... fiiine"

By acmariner99 | 23

#7586782 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 2:25

Yet another narcissistic twatwaffle of a parent.

By Adam Daniel | 20

#7586786 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 2:33

aww poor OP! Your stepmom is the bitch, your dad meant well I would think :(

By RichardPencil | 28

#7586789 - Tuesday 16 January 2018 3:07

While you’re there, why not pick up a SKÄNKSKA, a FEMMEN VÅG and a DOMBÅS? (Yes, they are all real IKEA products!)